“Why do neurotypical wives need support? It’s a neurotypical world! Shouldn’t the focus be on the autistic spouse and how neurotypical expectations are so unfair to him?”
All we have to do is look at social media responses from #actuallyautistic individuals to know that neurotypical wives are highly unwelcome to share their experience of being married to an autistic partner. Neurotypical wives are denigrated as being hateful for voicing that their emotional needs go unmet in their neurodiverse relationship. As a result, very little support is available for neurotypical partners and they are often shamed into silence. Mental health professionals frequently fail to grasp what chronic emotional deprivation is like for a neurotypical spouse, unless they have personally experienced it. Traditional marriage counseling is rarely an effective source of help for neurodiverse couples, unless the therapist is very familiar with the dynamic specific to ASD (formerly Asperger’s Syndrome) + Neurotypical partnerships.
FAAAS (Families of Adults Affected by Asperger’s Syndrome) has termed the phenomenon experienced by children or marital partners of autistic individuals as “ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome.” The truth is that neurotypical spouses have neurotypical needs, which shouldn’t be demonized or minimized, even if the autistic partner has a challenge in meeting them (through no fault of their own). The world that matters in this case is the interior dynamic of a singular marriage, not the construct of society at large. A marriage is intended to be our most emotionally intimate relationship. The marriage is supposed to be the place we are seen, heard, understood, validated and cherished. When neurotypicals are deprived of those fundamental needs – even if it is due to genuine neurological limitations from the other spouse – it is experienced as ongoing trauma.
While the defensiveness of autistic partners is understandable, it’s also very disappointing. Terming the truth shared from neurotypical wives as “hate speech,” “ableism” or otherwise villainizing their experience is only illustrative of our point: there is a distinct lack of reciprocal empathy. The sarcasm and victim posturing of autistics – when confronted with neurotypical feedback of their intimate relationships – is unkind, unproductive and an interesting double standard. Neurotypical wives are to forgo their needs, silence their hurt and pretend to be fulfilled – or risk shame, blame and accusations of discrimination. Yet the autistic partner still expects his neurotypical wife to fully understand his challenges and accommodate his feelings, preferences and limitations (which most neurotypical wives do to an astoundingly empathic degree). Why is it not fair and correct to expect a measure of effort in the same vein from her autistic spouse?
Fortunately, social media is only a microcosm of the full picture. There are many neurodiverse husbands who love their wives and are humble enough to accept feedback. While intuitive empathy is a challenge, cognitive empathy is certainly possible – and as the autistic spouse begins to grow in understanding of his wife’s experience, he is often very motivated to build skills in support of her. Learning to sit with the distress of feeling criticized because of his wife’s unhappiness IS part of the process. His wife sharing her experience is not an attack, nor is it a fact to be disproved. It is merely her experience, and a husband willing to listen and truly hear her is half the battle of improving the dynamic.
Autism advocacy in our society is thankfully growing each and every day. Neurotypicals do not need advocacy for acceptance in the world at large, but they need support in order to thrive within their intimate relationships to ASD spouses. Both partners in a neurodiverse marriage deserve to have their individual needs and considerations equally prioritized.