Chronic Stress & Chronic Illness: when neurodiverse marriage makes us sick

Among neurotypical partners who identify with experiencing Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome (OTRS), a strong correlation exists between chronic stress and the development of chronic illness. Those who suffer from OTRS experience various adverse complexities within their neurodiverse relationship. Over time, the turmoil of unremitting marital discord takes a serious, and sometimes irreversible, physical toll.

Neurodiverse spouses often have differing social, emotional, and interactional expectations for marriage. The neurology of a neurotypical partner necessitates emotional reciprocity, affective attunement, and mutuality in their relationship, for a felt sense of well-being.  A neurotypical spouse expects partnership in every dimension of life together. When mismatched relational needs, differing standards for practical concerns, and toxic conflict patterns emerge in a neurodiverse marriage – the OTRS neurotypical partner is persistently flooded by chronic stress. 

The neurotypical spouse who is chronically stressed may long for respite, but be unable to prioritize their own needs.

Autistic characteristics may unintentionally create trauma, or chronic stress for the neurotypical partner, due to associated impairments affecting social, emotional, interactional and practical necessities for the neurotypical spouse. Additionally, characteristics of neurodiverse marriage itself often contribute to the stress load. Examples of autistic and neurodiverse marriage characteristics include the following: 

Relational stress: poor perspective-taking, insufficient theory of mind, rigid thinking, difficulty predicting the impact of personal choices upon others, low flexibility, resistance to change, communication impairments, alexithymia, blunted affect, missed non-verbal cues, misreading social cues, difficulty generalizing expectations, non-initiation of celebration for birthdays or special occasions, hurtful or intimidating actions during meltdowns, abandonment during shutdowns, hyper-defensiveness, discounting the spouse’s feelings or experience, financial withholding or overspending, prioritizing special interests over quality time, authoritarian or permissive parenting, triangulation with children or family members, deprioritizing the spouse in favor of other non-family relationships, hyper or hyposexuality, sensory aversions that thwart intimacy, preferring to use porn instead of participate in marital sex, passivity or disinterest in date nights or romance, avoidant or reactive behaviors, rejection dysphoria, valuing autonomy over mutuality, lack of curiosity about the partner’s thoughts or feelings, transactional mindset, resistance to being influenced into compromise, inadequate emotional attunement

Practical stress: inequitable distribution of chores, disparity of responsibilities, impaired executive functioning, avoidance or procrastination of obligations, forgotten or ignored commitments, faulty working memory, overly rigid or too loose standards, time blindness, prompt dependency, poor supervision during parenting time, interactional difficulties with children which reduce parenting reliability, financial mismanagement, lack of capacity for strategic planning, poor self-monitoring, requiring repetition of instructions or reminders of agreements, difficulty inferring expectations, distractibility, disparity with peripheral parenting obligations, requiring explanation and justification for a simple request or preference or instruction, lack of basic skills for daily necessities (cooking, cleaning, feeding or bathing children, etc), haphazard or absent caretaking during illness, inadequate urgency during crisis, accommodating meltdowns or shutdowns that disrupt the needs of others, incapacitation from sensory overload

With so many stressful dynamics in the marriage, conflict inevitably follows. Below are examples of conflict mismanagement between partners (of any neurotype) which compound the relational and practical stress. 

Conflict stress: circular arguments, right-fighting, hyper-defensiveness, adversarialism, criticism, contempt, countering, blame-shifting, high reactivity (yelling, screaming, shouting, storming off), avoidance, withholding, stonewalling, side-stepping accountability, aggressive/passive/passive-aggressive communication, punishing, justifying, minimizing, intimidation, threats, reversing victim and offender roles, weaponized incompetence, avoiding conflict resolution, unrepaired ruptures

Listing the above circumstances inadequately captures the impact. A neurotypical spouse isn’t just experiencing adverse events in a singular sense of an isolated incident. The stress is compounded by the cumulative load, and aftermath considerations, along with often frantically trying to mitigate recurrences. As an example, poor supervision of children isn’t a momentary concern. The autistic partner may have every intent of carefully parenting. When incidents happen, there may be dozens of discussions clarifying the expectations of what it means to supervise children appropriately. Perhaps moments of inattentiveness still end well, but it was a close call to a catastrophic possibility. The neurotypical spouse carries around the fear of future incidents, creating hypervigilance (which wreaks havoc on the nervous system). Autism can be considered a poor prediction disorder, and generalizing between situations is challenging, so the neurotypical partner lives with the ever-present anxiety of wondering whether the autistic spouse will successfully apply protective knowledge in parenting moments that need it. Hypervigilance adds to a sense of obligation to be present at all times, in hopes of buffering those singular moments that could result in unintentional harm to a child. This isn’t a maligning of autistic character; there is almost always a well-intended parent behind occurrences that can happen to anyone. But in neurodiverse marriages where there is a heightened difficulty of managing distractibility, executive functioning, processing time and response, along with prediction of danger or child behavior, it is reasonable to hypothesize that perhaps a higher level of concern is warranted. Thus, a neurotypical spouse carries this awareness in their body, activated frequently, and making strategic decisions that likely overtax functioning, prevent down time, and create disparity of emotional and physical labor. Going to the grocery store by oneself becomes a decision that feels like Sophie’s Choice, if there are previous instances that endangered a baby or child when the neurotypical partner wasn’t home.

Now, imagine that one stressor multiplied by every other compounded scenario simultaneously occurring within the neurodiverse marriage. As much as an autistic spouse needs extra accommodation for regulating stress from overstimulation – it’s often overlooked that the neurotypical spouse is also running on sky-high cortisol.

Both spouses might agree that the patterns in their marriage are problematic. Yet, the dynamic may continue unabated, and the neurotypical spouse suffering from Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome eventually develops physical symptoms from the chronic emotional distress. 

Unrelenting stress and nervous system activation is intensely wearisome for the body. Chronic anxiety, hypervigilance, and a sense of perpetual crisis flood the body with adrenaline and cortisol. Continuous exposure to stress can lead to dysregulation of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which is crucial for keeping our body in homeostasis. When the HPA axis is disrupted, it impacts the body’s immune response, cardiovascular health, neuroendocrine and metabolic function, and the autonomic nervous system. 

Stress hormones reduce lymphocytes (our natural killer cells that go after invaders in our body), and inhibit antibody production. High cortisol produces pro-inflammatory cytokines. Immunoprotective cells are suppressed by inflammation, decreasing the ability to fight off viruses or infection.

Inflammation is intended by the body as a short-term solution to help initiate healing – such as when we injure a joint, and swelling occurs. Or, when invasive pathogens need to be eliminated quickly, and blood vessels respond by leaking fluid (creating inflammation), which helps contain the threat from spreading. But, when the body is confused by an ongoing threat signaled from unmitigated high cortisol, and unabated inflammation – the immune system attacks healthy tissue and organs. An autoimmune disease develops when the immune system is no longer able to distinguish healthy tissue from pathogenic threat. The body begins to attack itself. Autoimmune disease is significantly correlated with occurring after chronic stress. Anecdotally, many of my neurotypical clients suffer from a variety of autoimmune disorders, such as Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, irritable bowel syndrome, and Sjögren syndrome. 

High cortisol increases blood sugar, which over time creates insulin resistance and glucose intolerance. Appetite increases to support energy reserves for fight or flight. Weight gain from cortisol-induced metabolic dysfunction creates centralized, inflammatory fat. As weight accumulates in the abdomen, visceral fat wraps around organs – releasing inflammatory properties, and quickening the development of disease. High blood sugar leads to excess glucose that is unused by the body, and this extra glucose contributes to risk of developing diabetes, along with high triglycerides that impact cardiovascular health. Indirectly, lifestyle habits that result from obesity also impact the propensity for heart disease. 

When adrenaline is high, heart rate increases, and blood pressure is raised – an adaptation intended to be helpful for surviving threats. Arteries narrow when blood pressure is elevated, increasing the risk of hypertension developing. Hypertension causes the heart to pump blood more forcefully, stressing arteries. Visceral fat developed from metabolic dysfunction may surround the heart, and its release of inflammatory substances quicken the buildup of plaque, leading to coronary heart disease, or stroke. Elevated cortisol levels also cause the heart to pump excess resources into muscles for survival response, which reduces blood flow to the heart, and increases risk for heart attack. 

Continuous threat perception changes the brain’s emotional processing, due to sending out perpetual alarm signals to the amygdala, and over-activating the hypothalamus. Depression and anxiety frequently develop, and a high percentage of my neurotypical clients are on a number of psychotropic medications. Many of them note that they did not require pharmaceutical intervention for any mental health concerns prior to the ongoing relationship trauma occurring in their marriage. 

When the amygdala and hypothalamus are continuously managing an onslaught of threats, the HPA axis is perpetually disrupted, which thwarts the nervous system from functioning as intended. The sympathetic system (danger management) operates in over-drive, suppressing the restoration that would otherwise occur from the parasympathetic system (responsible for rest, relaxation, digestion, and repair after stressful occurrences). This prevents the autonomic nervous system from operating “automatic” body processes, such as heart rate. Dysautonomia creates a multitude of uncomfortable symptoms, which are extremely common in my neurotypical clients. Rapid heart rate with palpitations, unstable blood pressure, orthostatic intolerance, dizziness and fainting, shortness of breath, nausea, insomnia from circadian rhythm disruption, crushing fatigue, and brain fog. Of all the chronic illnesses that my neurotypical clients tend to suffer from, cardiac dysautonomia is extremely prevalent. 

Clearly, the impact of Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome as a stress disorder is potentially very destructive to health and well-being. Aside from excessive stress hormones causing enough inflammation to malfunction multiple body systems, other degenerative illnesses are intrinsically linked. Chronic inflammatory diseases include many mentioned above – diabetes, heart disease, stroke, obesity, and various autoimmune diseases – but also dementia, and cancer. I’ve walked alongside several neurotypical clients who, after decades of a high-conflict neurodiverse marriage, find themselves facing a cancer diagnosis, or Alzheimer’s Disease. Is this because of their chronic stress from a neurodiverse marriage? One can’t know for sure, but chronic stress and the subsequent inflammation is absolutely linked, implicated, and clinically identified as influencing the development of cancer, and Alzheimer’s disease. What often seems to torment my most ill clients is the inescapable rumination of wondering – was their self-sacrifice worth it? Did the endless striving ever improve their quality of life, or did it ultimately just destroy their own health?

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Part 2: The Antithetical Nature of “Partnership” with a PDA Spouse

Our introductory post regarding Pathological Demand Avoidance can be found here.

As a behavioral profile of autism, PDA is exceptionally challenging to navigate in a neurodiverse relationship. By its nature, marriage intrinsically necessitates collaboration – which requires reasonable agreeability on the part of both spouses. If a PDA partner chronically pursues autonomy at the expense of a spouse’s needs, a high-conflict neurodiverse marriage often evolves. Reflexively resisting cooperation is incompatible to any lifelong partnership.

A reflexive “no” is common with Pathological Demand Avoidance.

What are the “routine demands” of marriage & family life that a PDA spouse may use extraordinary measures to resist?

 A “demand” is a direct or indirect request, expectation, desire, or obligation. The term “demand” is misleading if it’s interpreted as an adjective instead of a noun. The spouse making requests is not inherently “demanding” (i.e. difficult to please). “Demand” just encompasses any matter necessitating a response from the PDA individual. PDA is not characterized by tasks that require skill, excessive time, or specialized ability; it is most associated with “routine” demands. 

Routine demands of daily married life include: Household responsibilities, such as cleaning, cooking, budgeting, paying bills, shopping, house or car maintenance, lawn care, pet care, financial contribution, etc. Intimate relationship responsibilities, such as  communication, affection, companionship, emotional attunement, sexual connection, acts of service, date nights, etc. Parenting responsibilities, such as feeding, bathing, calming, overnight duties, interacting, nurturing, playing, schooling, chauffeuring children to activities, medical appointments, etc.

How do “routine demands” become a power struggle in marriage?

Often, the PDA partner has a high tolerance for incomplete responsibilities, since resisting the obligation provides a sense of control. Over time, the neurotypical partner becomes increasingly urgent and hypervigilant in managing the needs of the home, children and relationship. The NT spouse feels overwhelmed with both the practicalities of daily life, but also the invisible labor of strategizing how and when to bid for cooperation with the PDA spouse. Given the variety of strategies that a PDA spouse might use to maintain control and avoid demands, and how relentless the nature of PDA is – the neurotypical spouse is frequently caught in a maze of resentment, fury, devastation and desperation.

PDA is exacerbated as the volume of demands multiply in life. NT spouses notice this elevated resistance after marriage, and especially upon having children. While the NT spouse may previously have been fairly accommodating early on in the relationship, it is impossible and unsustainable to relinquish all “asks” in marriage. The autistic PDA spouse may come to associate the NT partner with a perception of threat at all times, due to the level of imperative demand in daily life – and possibly use this perception to justify increased avoidant behavior. 

The interaction between a PDA spouse and a NT spouse often turns adversarial, with various high-conflict patterns. A neurotypical spouse may vacillate between a variety of approaches to gain cooperation, and the PDA partner may grow more resolutely resistant. Most bids for cooperation turn into a Pursue-Evade dynamic, but expressed in different ways. The PDA spouse may view themselves as victimized by the NT partner, who is desperate for understanding, assistance, collaboration, agreement, reliability, security, and predictability. The PDA partner interprets the desperation and persistence with negative connotations. 

The despondent neurotypical spouse may approach requests with the PDA partner using the following strategies: 

  1. Logically Persuading: the NT spouse repeatedly initiates discussion to convince the PDA partner of the wisdom and benefit of a request being accepted. “Proof” from third-party input (articles, experts, opinions from friends or family) may be shared to bolster the rationale behind whatever request a NT spouse is making. Conversations may become circular, and devolve into “right” fighting, which may then lead to angry or anxious confronting. Stalemates often occur; partners exist in one power struggle after another. Logical persuaders are viewed as domineering, obsessive, and coercive. 
  2. Angrily Confronting: the NT spouse vehemently challenges the demand avoidant behavior, and may escalate to yelling, shouting, or other explosiveness. Threats to end the relationship might regularly occur, along with insults, and generalized accusatory language. Angry confronters tend to be called abusive, aggressive, and bullying. The PDA spouse is unmoved by threats regarding the relationship, as the avoidance-anger pattern continues without any actual withdrawal.
  3. Reactively Confronting: the neurotypical partner may use sarcasm, passive aggressive comments, or contemptuous remarks to point out the lack of cooperation. This is often the aftermath of angrily confronting for years and getting nowhere; the NT spouse is embittered and powerless, which creates an edge to every conversation. The PDA partner tends to justify the continued demand avoidance as being necessary and deserved due to the NT spouse’s “mean” behavior. 
  4. Anxiously Pleading: the NT spouse may present concern that escalates to tears, panic attacks, and regularly conveying a frantic urgency to convince the PDA partner of the imperative need for cooperation. Over time, the bid for cooperation may get more and more dysregulated. Anxious pleaders tend to be the most dismissed as “crazy” by PDA spouses, who cannot connect with the emotional experience of the NT spouse, and views it as catastrophizing, unnecessary hysteria, and melodrama.
  5. Silently Suppressing: to minimize conflict, the NT spouse stops mentioning the routine demands that need agreement and acceptance. The PDA spouse may assume that the NT partner has forgotten the demand discussion, or has accepted the non-cooperation. When the neurotypical partner can no longer ignore the issue and brings it up again, the PDAer may characterize the NT spouse as confusing, “negative,” sending “mixed signals,” determined to create conflict, etc. 
  6. Passively Withdrawing: when the neurotypical spouse believes all avenues have been exhausted to obtain agreement, disengagement from all non-essential conversation may occur. The secret hope is that disengaging could spark regret, remorse and changed behavior in the PDA spouse (which is unlikely). The PDA partner is either relieved to have all expectations of interaction lifted, or characterizes the NT partner’s withdrawal as hurtful, unfair, and hypocritical (likening it to stonewalling).

Occasionally, some of these approaches might elicit a response from the PDA partner, which creates an intermittent reinforcement pattern. A NT spouse may find themselves escalating to extraordinary proportions in hopes of being responded to with agreement by the otherwise impervious PDA spouse.

What methods of resistance might a PDA partner use to avoid demands in the marital relationship and household? 

Demand avoidant spouses may employ various strategies to maintain a sense of control within their daily life, and by extension the marriage and spouse. The common perception of autism in society, and as depicted in most accessible literature on Asperger’s Syndrome,  does not often include characteristics of PDA behavior. Neurotypical partners are often in turmoil at what seems like socially manipulative, antagonistic, callous, and indifferent behavior from their ASD spouse.  Because how could those attributes be consistent with autism? Yet, as we explored in our introduction to PDA, those traits are consistent with the PDA behavioral profile of autism. To quote the original post, “research tells us that PDA is characterized by an obsessive need for control; non-compliance with routine demands; socially manipulative and shocking behavior; unpredictable shifts in mood; extreme outbursts when requests increase; passive avoidance; domineering behavior; comfort in pretending; lack of cooperation.”

Demand avoidance can take many forms, and the following are strategies that may be used to evade demands: 

Outright Refusal – verbalizing an unwillingness to comply with a request

Trivializing – minimizing the necessity of a request

Countering – dismissing the perspective behind a request

Negotiating – debating terms and requirements of a request

Swindling – changing the terms of compliance after agreed-upon conditions are met

Bargaining – proposing a transactional exchange for cooperation with a request

Blindsiding – last minute reversal of support or cooperation

Deflection – insisting the demand is someone else’s responsibility

Distraction – changing the subject away from the request topic

Defending – arguing about whether avoidance is occurring, or a pattern

Defying – intentionally acting in opposition to the request

Blocking – disallowing any discussion about the request

Stonewalling – refusing to communicate about a request for extended periods of time

Delaying – prioritizing other tasks that were unimportant prior to a request

Humiliation – outbursts in public

Procrastination – postponing cooperation until the request is urgent

Aggression – any form of intimidation that is intended to coerce rescinding the request

Triangulation – seeking input from others about the validity of the request before complying

Shaming – characterizing the request negatively, or insulting the need behind a request

Blaming – finding fault in the requester to justify avoiding

Passivity – refraining from confirming or denying cooperation

Ghosting – refusing to respond or engage over text, email or phone to discuss a request

Escape – physically leaving so as to avoid proximity to the discussion or obligation

Fabrication – inventing plausible excuses to disguise avoidance

False Agreements – agreeing to honor the request without a sincere commitment

Martyrdom – conveying an exaggerated sense of suffering over the imposition of a request

Withholding – restricting affection, communication or interaction in response to a request

Penalization – punitive measures when requests are made, to discourage further requests

Escalation – increasing anger, explosiveness, or mood shifting to avoid a request

Pretending – feigning an inability to hear, or other faux impairments

Thwarting – sabotaging circumstances to avoid the ability to complete a request

Parentification – shifting responsibility to a child for undesirable demands

Weaponized Confusion – pretending to not understand the request itself, or components of fulfilling it

Weaponized Incompetence – intentionally failing to complete the request skillfully 

Weaponized Sleep or Illness – sudden onset of fatigue or symptoms which prevent cooperation

Weaponized Dependence – demanding control, while also demanding assistance (because the PDA partner resists cooperation, but insists on supportive accommodation)

What is the impact of living with a demand avoidant spouse who routinely resists meeting needs?

  1. Despair: the absence of hope to ever influence the PDA spouse and gain collaboration
  2. Outrage: fury at being denied essential help, cooperation, and partnership
  3. Bitterness: brimming with resentment at the PDA partner’s control–seeking
  4. Degradation: embarrassment when PDA behavior escalates around others
  5. Isolation: feeling alone in the marriage, and unable to confide about PDA elsewhere
  6. Fatigue: over-functioning in the home, parenting & relationship due to lack of help
  7. Fear: hypervigilance of wondering when PDA will unpredictably surface
  8. Shame: feeling devalued from the PDA spouse’s deprivational behavior
  9. Devastation: grief at the reality of PDA and  exposing children to high-conflict marriage
  10. Powerlessness: subjected to control tactics at every turn from the PDA spouse

When does PDA become traumatic for the neurotypical spouse?

Putting aside the baseline trauma of deprivational abuse that comes along with PDA refusals on a daily basis, there are often pivotal events in neurodiverse marriages with PDA that take on an elevated trauma level for the NT spouse. Experiences of demand avoidant behavior such as: indifferently withholding caretaking after medical events (childbirth, post-partum, disease treatment or recovery); restricting consolation for a spouse’s grief (death of loved ones, miscarriage, terminal diagnosis, etc); reneging on agreements to support the neurotypical spouse’s commitments (work trips, doctor appointments, gatherings); sabotaging once-in-a-lifetime events through minimal cooperation, or refusal to participate at the last moment after lots of mood-shifting (family weddings, children’s religious ceremonies, funerals).

In addition to event-based trauma for the NT spouse, the relentless nature of pathological demand avoidance is a compounded trauma in daily life. The PDA spouse protects personal autonomy by seeking control instead of connection or cooperation. Chronic experiences of demand avoidance that become traumatic for the neurotypical spouse would be: defiant co-parenting (imperiling children by resisting instructions, arguing against reasonable standards of care, chronic delay of responsiveness to children’s needs, inconsistent adherence to necessary routines); endangering stability (refusals to get up on time for work, restricting money or spending, delaying payments on important financial obligations – bills or mortgage, etc); withholding important information (financial transparency, child-based matters, employment considerations); thwarting intimacy (neglecting personal hygiene, inventing reasons to decline, “forgetting” to initiate, intentionally being discovered with porn to create conflict, routinely masturbating to minimize arousal, prioritizing rest over sex, scapegoating the NT spouse as unattractive for various faux reasons, etc); avoiding quality time (prioritizing work, neglecting dates, avoiding evening time together); neglecting chores (using various tactics that result in inequitable division of responsibility upon the NT partner); evading any firm commitments (scheduling household repairs, making important decisions, plans or vacations for the family); basic communication (ignoring texts or emails or conversational attempts, talking over and interrupting, using argument strategies to resist); last-minute refusal to support neurotypical spouse’s obligations that may have been planned well in advance (work trips, gatherings with friends, extended family events); avoiding participation or preparation for special days (celebrations, holidays, parties).

The compounded nature of demand avoidance in marriage is inherently traumatic and exhausting for the neurotypical spouse. It is a voiceless experience to be denied requests, needs, and cooperation when two people have made an inherent commitment to partnership.

If a couple is aware of PDA, it is also incredibly demoralizing to read the limited literature about PDA – which highly trends toward accommodation vs. accountability. While we can all highly empathize with the threat perception of demands in a PDA behavior profile, we must equally empathize with the threat perception ignited in a NT spouse who lives with chronic disregard. 

Is PDA ever manageable in marital relationships?

Research is already heavily lacking in regard to neurodiverse marriages, and even more so with adult PDA. Anecdotally, PDA is manageable in marital relationships when the following occurs: 

  1. The PDA spouse is willing to self-confront in regard to PDA behaviors.
  2. The PDA spouse is willing to learn strategies for coping with demands.
  3. The PDA spouse is willing to be conscientious in implementing PDA management.
  4. The PDA spouse accepts personal responsibility for self-regulation, instead of expecting excessive accommodation from others to reduce triggers and accept avoidance.
  5. The NT spouse is willing to adjust unhelpful communication patterns.
  6. The NT spouse develops or maintains a realistic viewpoint of neurotype differences.
  7. Both partners are willing to equally prioritize each other’s needs.

Outside the above framework, in my anecdotal experience, neurodiverse marriages with PDA will otherwise often be a continuous battleground for power and control. Additionally, there is often work to do around trauma, repair, and improving communication practices. 

The introductory post in regard to PDA shared the research regarding similarities between antisocial behavior and PDA. While the conditions are distinct, it bears reiterating that living with a PDA spouse (in particular, one who will not acknowledge nor change problematic behaviors), can feel like a sociopathic experience. Callous disregard, unemotional indifference, negative affect, emotional lability, strategic manipulation, aggressive behavior, and antagonistic demeanor have a substantially cumulative impact. The relationship might often feel devoid of care or compassion, and alarmingly tyrannical with the level of control exerted. Often what is most hurtful is not just the demand avoidance, but the unswerving prioritization of autonomy, at the expense of a NT spouse’s suffering. 


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Part 1: Autism, Pathological Demand Avoidance, and …Sociopathy?

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a term used to reference a pattern of severe, chronic resistance toward cooperation with ordinary requests in daily life. PDA is considered by many to be an atypical presentation of autism, and has qualities that are seemingly inverse. Also referred to as Extreme Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy, the UK acknowledges PDA as a behavioral profile of autism.

What is Pathological Demand Avoidance?

Before sharing research and more defining characteristics below, it is of course reasonable to acknowledge that a measure of demand avoidance is perfectly normal (and wise).

Generally speaking, autism without a PDA profile still presents with more demand avoidance than the average allistic individual. Demand avoidance associated with autism may occur due to rigid adherence to routine; difficulty transitioning between preferred and non-preferred activities; sensory overstimulation, which in turn creates overwhelm; inflexible thinking in regard to problem-solving; difficulty stopping perseveration; and social or performance anxiety in general. Poor executive functioning can look like demand avoidance – and might be, especially if strategies are resisted in implementation. Ordinary demand avoidance with ASD is selective or circumstantial. PDA encompasses a chronic resistance to comply with basic requests that are routine, familiar, and even personally beneficial sometimes. Pathological Demand Avoidance surrounds a desire to control – control autonomy, control threat perception internally – and control other people, alongside their expectations.

The referencing of a “demand” with PDA encompasses any want, need, expectation or request that is direct or indirect – a question, instruction, obligation, insinuation, guidance, rule, stipulation, internal feeling (hunger, thirst, fatigue), or prompting. The more pressure put upon compliance for a demand, the more escalation of resistance from a PDA individual. PDA avoidance is not necessarily the circumstances of the demand; but simply because there is a demand – internally or externally. PDA is often described as propelled by anxiety or uncertainty, but there is also observational research to suggest that PDA can be agenda-driven, such as seeking attention, access, or outcome of preference (Lucyshyn, 2015). PDA individuals “also seem to find reward in upsetting other people (Wing, 2002).”

This summary references the original journal article developed by Elizabeth Newson, a developmental psychologist who first proposed Pathological Demand Avoidance as a separate syndrome related to autism. “Descriptively, the key characteristics of PDA are an obsessive resistance to everyday demands and requests, use of socially manipulative or outrageous behaviour to avoid demands, sudden changes in mood apparently associated with a need to control, and ‘surface’ sociability… Newson described non-compliance in PDA as obsessive, not limited to unpleasant tasks, but at worst, a blanket resistance to accept suggestions, to talk, sit down, take part in fun activities… resorting to extreme, aggressive or socially shocking behaviour if pressed to comply. Newson et al. (2003) described them as… unlike most children with ASD, they tended to subvert requests by distraction, diversion, threats, or behaviour intended to shock, or upset. In addition, they lacked a sense of responsibility to others, and failed to moderate their behaviour for others’ benefit.”

This is a visual of Elizabeth Newson’s construct of PDA. Her aim was to classify PDA as a separate syndrome under the same developmental disorder umbrella.

Elizabeth Newson conceptualized PDA as a syndrome related to and intersected with autism, under the umbrella of Pervasive Developmental Disorders (now amended to Autism Spectrum Disorders). The lines between the circles indicate how the sub-groups can move and overlap with each other.

PDA is not yet included in the ICD-11 or DSM- 5 as a differential diagnosis. Viewpoints on how to classify PDA remain varied among clinicians, researchers, parents, families, and those who self-identify with PDA. There is a lack of consensus as to whether PDA is truly autism, or a separate neurotype; if it is a syndrome co-occurring only with autism or if it can occur alongside other conditions; or if it is a behavior profile covered under similar diagnoses (possibilities of which are discussed below). Some believe that PDA is parsing ASD behavior unnecessarily, and is simply part of autism, unworthy of definition otherwise. (See “symptoms but not a syndrome” – here.) Others find offense that PDA is conceptualized as being related to autism at all – because aspects such as social behavior are different, among other nuances. However, there is an overall recognition that this cluster of rare, highly specific traits does exist – whether termed PDA, or not.

In the UK, PDA is referenced by the National Autism Society as a descriptive category of autism. In the US, PDA is gaining recognition, but much more limited in comparison… or interest. However, it’s not unusual in the United States to see dual diagnoses with ASD that seem to reference PDA-like behavior, such as: Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder with ADHD, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and personality disorders (in adulthood). Many aspects of these disorders certainly seem to describe attributes of PDA. However, proponents of differential diagnosis for PDA insist that it cannot be encapsulated by the above labels, citing the uniqueness of categorically resisting ordinary demands of daily life. Additionally, strategies that are helpful for disruptive conditions listed above can be unsuccessful for shifting problematic PDA behavior. (This study notes that neural activity in the brain for disruptive behavior and ASD symptom severity have “separate neural basis. Critically, these findings imply that differential treatment should be provided to treat disruptive behavior in ASD.” )

What are the differences in social behavior when comparing ASD to PDA?

I choose to focus on this particular aspect of PDA presenting inversely with a typical ASD Level 1 (formerly Asperger’s Syndrome) profile, because for neurotypical or allistic partners – it is by far the most profoundly confusing aspect. It is difficult to conceptualize behavior that still merits an ASD diagnosis, but is not consistent with the fairly limited literature that depicts ASD in adults.

One reason PDA is considered an “atypical” presentation of autism is that soft social skills are more developed (and utilized to avoid demands). This study suggests that theory of mind is less impaired in the PDA profile of autism, which is perhaps an explanation for why PDA individuals can use social strategy and manipulation to avoid cooperation. PDAers are sometimes referred to as “super-maskers,” because their social skills lack common ASD interactional deficits (such as awkward body language, poor eye contact, difficulty with discourse, inability to maintain topic, etc).

Also in the realm of inverse social behavior ascribed to typical autism – comfortability in role-play, escaping into fantasy, and playing “pretend” is a PDA trait. This can manifest with dishonesty that seems confusing – the adult PDA individual (childhood PDA “pretend” is different) may believe they are being clever, but the lies require suspension of reality to be true. Sometimes this manifests as issuing strong reversals of previous accountability, or emphatic denial of their personal actions that have been admitted on a separate occasion There is a comfort with “pretending” that an incident never happened, even when irrefutable proof is presented.

PDA individuals can become fixated upon a specific person. Instead of a topic or hobby, another person (or character) might become a special interest, in a positive or negative regard – excessive admiration, or excessive dislike (with potential harassment). The PDA person may lose interest rather abruptly in the case of excessive admiration, and be drawn to the next shiny, interesting person. …and we can imagine the impact on a confused neurotypical spouse when the fascination directed at them doesn’t just pass, but disappears seemingly overnight.

PDA individuals often have high degrees of emotional fluctuation. One might go from calm, caring, and regulated – to verbally aggressive behavior in a mere moment – because an obligation, request, or expectation is presented. Other times, resistance is quite passive, and the mood shift is into withdrawal. A PDAer might hear, “hey, can you put your dish in the sink?” or, “it’s almost time for dinner,” or, “did you read the email I sent you?” – or countless other iterations of mild ‘demands,’ can quickly shift the PDA individuals mood and behavior. While PDA is not reduced to only simplistic demands by any stretch, resistance of ordinary demands are absolutely a hallmark aspect of PDA. Emotional lability is seen through outbursts and irritability, but also through withdrawal and passivity. Social “strategies” might be distraction, excuses, deflection, delay, meltdowns, shutdowns, flight, or bizarre measures to render oneself incapable, etc. Additionally, PDA individuals are prone to abandon any social filter in public if it serves to avoid a “demand.”

One of the most troubling aspects of PDA for intimate partners to understand, or endure, is the component of disregard from their PDA spouse. The remorseless demeanor after a hurtful experience in which harm occurred, plus the seemingly manipulative behavior in a self-serving regard, is incredibly confusing (and disturbing) for loved ones. It does not seem consistent with the information about ASD, which depicts a socially naive and unintentionally hurtful person – who, when informed of harm, is contrite and motivated to make amends. With PDA, there is little if any acknowledgement of harm or impact of one’s actions – and moods shift back to “calm and loving” as if rupture never happened.

Some literature explores the reality of overlap between Pathological Demand Avoidance and anti-social traits (also referred to as sociopathy, psychopathy, or Anti-Social Personality Disorder in some cases). While PDA is not synonymous with ASPD, and autism is CERTAINLY not synonymous in any regard to ASPD – PDA has some elements of commonality in presentation that researchers have felt important to explore. Given how impactful PDA behavioral symptoms are upon individuals, their families, and relationships – it is highly important for anyone involved to understand what PDA feels and looks like to individuals and loved ones, just as much as understanding what it is and isn’t as a differential diagnosis.

To examine the seemingly antisocial behavior, such as Callous-Unemotional (CU) traits, and Conduct Problems (CP) noticed in PDA, Liz O’Nions (who developed a screening tool to identify PDA) created the first “systematic comparison” in Pathological demand avoidance: Exploring the behavioural profile, juxtaposing children with the PDA label to two other groups: one group with ASD-only, and the other group with anti-social (CP/CU) traits (more below). She wrote, “while PDA has historically been thought of in connection with ASD, the current data suggest that children receiving the PDA label show manipulative behavior similar to that seen in CP/CU; 44% of the PDA group scored in the “atypical” range on the APSD [anti-social personality disorder] measure. Indeed, very high levels of manipulative or controlling behaviour, and lack of remorse evident in descriptions of PDA, are similar to the CP/CU profile (Newson et al., 2003). Discrepant between the descriptions is the elicitation of these behaviours in response to demands, obsessive need for control, and lack of social constraint, despite social insight sufficient to render them able to manipulate. Very low levels of…pro-social behaviour in PDA is consistent with reported lack of concern for socially appropriate behaviour, and poor sense of responsibility towards others. Whether disruptive behavior in PDA and CP/CU is underpinned by different underlying motivations or neurocognitive deficits remains to be tested.”

What is a CP/CU profile? Callous-Unemotional (CU) traits refer to reduced affect, lack of empathy, cruel disregard for others, absence of remorse, and indifference toward personal responsibility. Conduct Problems (CP) are behaviors associated with deceit, defiance, aggression, destruction, and violating the rights of others. Sufficient CU + CP traits in childhood = a diagnosis of Conduct Disorder (CD) in youth. “Callous-unemotional traits are believed to be a childhood precursor to psychopathy, and among youth with conduct problems, they designate those showing a particularly severe, stable, and aggressive pattern of antisocial behavior.” Diagnosis of or qualification for Conduct Disorder in childhood is a diagnostic criteria for Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Taken from this research, The Measurement of Adult Pathological Demand Avoidance, two studies were performed which “examine the relationship between PDA traits, ASD traits, and other psychopathology dimensions, in a community sample of adults reporting self-identified psychopathology.” Liz O’Nions begins with noting that “Pathological (“extreme”) demand avoidance (PDA) involves obsessively avoiding routine demands, and extreme emotional variability. It is clinically linked to autism spectrum disorder (ASD).” The results of both studies were reported: “Study 1 found [self-report PDA screening tool to be] reliable, univariate, and correlated with negative affect, antagonism, disinhibition, psychoticism, and [ASD Screening] scores. Study 2…found low agreeableness, greater Emotional Instability, and higher scores on the full [ASD Screening] predicted [Pathological “extreme” Demand Avoidance]. PDA…is associated with extremes of personality.” The study further specified in its concluding discussion about the overlapping characteristics between ASD, PDA & CU/CP, and psychopathology: “it may be personality that differentiates how ASD traits are expressed, with more emotionally unstable and antagonistic persons with ASD expressing PDA-type qualities. Research will show whether persons with low emotional stability and antagonism may likewise present with PDA symptoms despite not having significant ASD features. In short, in community samples, it is possible that PDA captures general p-factor psychopathology features (Caspi et al. 2014). In the context of ASD, PDA may reflect a developmental consequence of anxiety surrounding routine demands emerging in response to ASD-related vulnerabilities (e.g. sensory sensitivities, anxiety about uncertainty, or other emotive stimuli).”

To summarize, the above research discussion characterizes PDA by naming: an obsessive need for control; non-compliance with routine demands; socially manipulative and shocking behavior; unpredictable shifts in mood; extreme outbursts when requests increase; passive avoidance; domineering behavior; comfort in pretending; lack of cooperation. 

What are the definitions of traits listed above in regard to PDA, that also overlap with ASPD?

Negative Affect – “affective instability has been defined as a dynamic process involving three components: extreme shifts in mood, exaggerated reactivity to environmental stimuli, and an ephemeral, fluctuating mood course (Trull, Solhan, Tragesser et al., 2008).” 

Antagonism –  “the low pole of agreeableness, references traits related to immorality, combativeness, grandiosity, callousness, and distrustfulness. It is a robust correlate of externalizing behaviors such as antisocial behavior, aggression, and substance use.”

Disinhibition – “orientation toward immediate gratification, leading to impulsive behavior driven by current thoughts, feelings, and external stimuli, without regard for past learning or consideration of future consequences” (APA, 2013, p. 780).

Psychoticism – “a dimension of personality in Eysenck’s dimensions characterized by aggression, impulsivity, aloofness, and antisocial behavior, indicating a susceptibility to psychosis and psychopathic disorders (see antisocial personality disorder).”

Worth noting from here, “the Personality Inventory for DSM-5 (PID-5; Krueger et al. 2012) measures the five domains of maladaptive personality in the alternative model: Negative Affect, Detachment, Psychoticism, Antagonism, and Disinhibition, which partially correspond with the pathological “poles” of the FFM personality domains (Skodol et al. 2015).”

In other words, PDA is correlated with four out of five characteristics commonly associated with personality disorder criteria.

Why is it important to understand PDA in the context of personality correlates?

Similar to the advocacy and voices that support individuals on the autism spectrum, there are sympathetic support pages for PDA individuals, and parents of PDA children. The PDA Society of the UK even has a section on workplace adjustments for adult PDA. There are subsections of advice and support for parents, teens, siblings, children, etc. Unsurprisingly, there is no menu category of suggestions for spouses married to a PDA partner.

PDA can vary in levels of impairment. Not all individuals will struggle across settings to the same extent – it varies in severity. It can vary from routine resistance in regard to specific categorical “demands,” to deeply impairing. Sometimes employment and relationships are nearly impossible. Yet, being “super-maskers,” I find that many low-to-mid PDA individuals tend to stay regulated at work, but struggle most with symptoms at home. Family life, and marriage in general, is filled to the brim with direct and indirect expectations – all day, every day. It is an inherent part of human relationships – being responsible to one another, the relationships we choose, and the families we create. Obviously, chronic avoidance of demand perception in the marital and family home is extremely problematic over time.

PDA is not “just” conventional autism. It’s not “just” living with a brilliant, quirky, slightly awkward spouse who struggles with flexibility, theory of mind, and social-emotional reciprocity. It is not living with someone who expresses remorse and contrition when social confusion is lifted.

PDA is living with a spouse who, at any moment in time, will reflexively resist, oppose, thwart, defy, deny, withhold, withdraw or otherwise enact control – to make certain that a spouse’s “demand” is avoided. And will then often or even likely exhibit callous, unemotional, and uncaring responses to a distressed spouse or children. As noted above, there might be an observable pleasure in upsetting a spouse to maintain control. The spousal dynamic of PDA is a relentless maze for a neurotypical spouse to navigate, especially when it is an unacknowledged profile of an ASD diagnosis. True manipulation might indeed be happening, and yet…. how can that be true, if it’s autism? Many spouses who are under the impression that a diagnosis of autism precludes any ability to manipulate, are stuck in despairing confusion – questioning the diagnosis, or gaslighting themselves that surely problematic behavior isn’t manipulative, because… autism.

It’s important to validate neurotypical or allistic spouses that their experience with the presence of callous disregard, unemotional affect, oppositionality, shocking conduct, antagonism, impulsivity, highly reactive emotional lability – can FEEL AND LOOK like living with sociopathic behavior, even though PDA is not ASPD.

PDA advocates sometimes find grave offense at the notion that anxiety-driven behaviors could be mislabeled as psychopathic – since, primary psychopathy (associated with ASPD) presents with a low levels of anxiety. However, secondary psychopathy “is characterized by high anxiety and thought to develop in response to environmental adversity.” This very recent 2022 study examined the differential neurocognitive deficits between psychopathy and ASD, and “found a phenotypical overlap between secondary but not primary psychopathy with autistic traits.” Interestingly, this study also seemed to discover “secondary psychopathy showed differential neural deficits, with specific and so far, unreported deficits found at the level of sensory integrative processing. This sensory deficit could be specific to voice communication signal processing, given the specific complexity of auditory signals and the neural effort to decode social information from sounds. This sensory processing deficit could be a common factor with autistic traits, for which we also found a large overlap in terms of the personality phenotype with secondary psychopathy.”

We can have all the empathy in the world for how challenging it is to struggle with PDA as an individual. (Or ODD, CD, IED, DMDD, ASPD.) It is a genuine hardship to be flooded by dread in the face of demand, and act in ways that harm oneself and others. Though, the most complex PDA presentations that I’ve encountered tend to be among those who resist any self-confronting. They do not express hardship at wanting to resist demands; they generally have an outlook that resisting daily and/or meaningful requests from a spouse or child is normal and justified. Their sense of hardship rests in not being able to fully control other people, or act without accountability.

Oppositional Defiant Disorder is probably the most parallel diagnosis for PDA in the US among children (though, again, PDA is differentiated from ODD, and ODD is a childhood diagnosis). We know that ODD can lead to a Conduct Disorder diagnosis in adolescence – and if symptoms persist or worsen, potentially ASPD in adulthood. Criteria for ODD behavior is separated into: angry and irritable symptoms; argumentative and defiant behavior; and vindictiveness. If we consider those traits, even if PDA is not necessarily defiance (just as it is not ASPD), it sounds and possibly looks… very similar. Aspects of oppositionality in ASD are discussed here.

Suffering is suffering. Just as we recognize the suffering of PDAers (among those who desperately desire to learn coping skills, and articulate how difficult it is to feel such alarm and flooding in the face of demand) – we can equally have empathy for how extraordinarily confusing, harmful and devastating that PDA often is for partners. We can have empathy for how voiceless a spouse may become when every need, request or inquiry is treated with outbursts, silent stonewalling, distraction, delay, faux excuses, or weaponized incompetence (among many other avoidance techniques). We can have empathy for how isolating it is that PDA is inexplicable to family or friends – because how does one normalize daily rage that is provoked by things like… a reminder to eat breakfast, a request to pick up milk on the way home from work, or an expectation of cuddling on the couch? Nevermind more abstract and commitment-required demands, like… “can we work on our communication? Our relationship? Our sex life? Our affection? Our companionship…?”

The average spouse doesn’t desire to pour over the DSM-5 and consult with a clinical psychologist as to which differential diagnosis of highly disruptive and anti-social behavior best fits their spouse. It all… feels quite the same, regardless of which box is ticked. A spouse isn’t supposed to be a treating clinician who looks at research-based evidence for best intervention, anyway. What a spouse often DOES need is affirmation that yes, personality and behaviors that they observe and experience from a PDA spouse, are termed highly disruptive and anti-social for a reason. That the astronomical hardship of PDA behavior isn’t just imagined.

This post is intended to be an introduction to PDA, and will have a follow-up post to more closely examine the many ways in which PDA is expressed within and/or impacts neurodiverse relationships.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

The Private Hell of Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage

Winter holidays often come with many expectations in our culture. Cozy togetherness, matching pajamas, gatherings with family, parties with co-workers and friends. It’s a season of preparation. We plan, we shop, we bake, we select gifts, we wrap them carefully. We look forward with anticipation to sharing love and connection within our most special relationships.

Most people acknowledge that holidays aren’t perfect, even in the most ideal of circumstances. While some may struggle with accepting that a flawless holiday isn’t attainable, most of my neurotypical clients aren’t seeking an illusion. They often just want the barest modicum of normalcy for their holiday. They would love some joy, mutuality, and cooperation with their spouse – and a day without meltdowns, shutdowns, arguments, opposition, or broken hearts.

An autistic dad may seem very solitary or disconnected on a holiday, evoking an angry or despairing grief in his wife and children.

Autistic behavior on holidays is often unpredictable. Many potential triggers exist – the anticipatory anxiety in the days ahead, apprehension over non-preferred activities, tolerating the expectations of others, disruption to predictable routine, gift-giving and gift-receiving, timelines for gathering or travel, socializing outside the family, handling visitors, various sensory overwhelms, unexpected occurrences, or the lack of structure. If foresight and coping strategies are not planned and employed, then autistic family members may have a very difficult time with maintaining emotional regulation and connected behavior.

How might the above triggers manifest in holiday scenarios for a neurodiverse marriage, particularly in a heterosexual marriage with an autistic husband and neurotypical wife?**

As an autistic father:

  • Avoidance or procrastination of responsibilities, causing the NT spouse to wonder and worry whether she can depend upon completion of tasks, and often compensating by taking on the labor last minute to avoid a catastrophe
  • Breaking agreements about shared responsibility
    • Example: ASD spouses might agree in a regulated moment to stay up and help wrap presents for children, only to find justification for not doing so – necessitating the NT spouse to make up the deficit at her expense 
  • Refusals to get out of bed when it’s time to open presents
    • Insisting he’s too tired, and everyone just needs to wait a few more hours
    • Depending on the age of children, this may be merely frustrating – or devastating, resulting in young children kept waiting and eventually dysregulated
    • Mom may try to buffer and diffuse, but children might be inconsolable, noisy and angry. Dad may insist that children need a consequence for their behavior – or that he simply will not leave the bed until everyone else is calm. This is an impossibility for children feeling highly betrayed, and the reversal of victim and offender is terribly impactful for both the children and NT wife
    • Mom may allow children to unwrap presents without Dad (in desperation), and then Dad blames her for proceeding without him
    • Dad may have an angry, grumpy attitude when grudgingly joining the family
    • Dad may join with distance and disinterest
    • Dad may pretend none of the above ever happened, but is successful in the children avoiding him for the rest of the day, allowing him to do his own thing
  • If participating without refusals, Dad may still have a short fuse for the excitement of children
  • Dad may get up and be quite jolly, and take undue credit for Mom’s efforts
    • He may have had conflict with Mom the night before about his refusals to help or finish tasks, and ignore her – while exclusively directing cheerful, positive attention to the children

As an autistic husband:

  • Failing to purchase any present for his spouse
  • Choosing to not acknowledge the lack of gift for his wife
  • If a gift is purchased, choosing something hastily, cheap, miniscule, impersonal – or something that would interest him
  • Possibly passing off a purchase that he wants for himself as a generous gift for her
  • Belittling a hurt wife who has not received recognition of her efforts, or inclusion in receiving a gift (or more) to open
  • Reversing victim and offender by using her hurt as a reason to justify stonewalling, or storming off in anger
  • Easily finding offense at various moments, and storming off in anger or silence
  • Possibly throwing out an, “Okay, kids, lets all thank Mom for putting together the holiday,” as a generic and impersonal acknowledgement of her labor – not even directly spoken to her from him
  • Threatening to not attend holiday gatherings at the last minute (instead of just planning not to), or threatening not to dress or behave appropriately within typical expectation
  • Threatening to embarrass the spouse in front of extended family, friends or guests
  • Attempting to guilt, shame, prevent or thwart a spouse from attending a gathering when he does not want to attend
  • Disappearing for long naps or self-isolating without explanation
  • Meltdowns with screaming, cursing, throwing objects, slamming doors, raging, blaming
  • Extreme castigating of a spouse, usually to release anxious tension and gain control (she takes on an equal share of his miserable feelings)
  • Criticizing various elements of the day
  • Moping or pouting or bringing a sullen energy to the household
  • Performative masking at gatherings
    • The ASD husband may treat his wife angrily and oppositionally for the full day, but moments later put on his mask when guests arrive
    • He may appear to be a kind, gracious, cooperative co-host in front of others
    • He may appear to be a happy party participant, as if none of his poor behavior ever happened
    • He may speak to his wife with deference and kindness in front of others, never privately acknowledging to her that his earlier treatment was unacceptable
    • He may appear to be surprised or offended if she confronts the discrepancy
    • He may be quite cuddly and eagerly involved with the children, despite avoiding and refusing in private
    • The NT wife may feel compelled to pretend alongside him, or if she cannot successfully hide her feelings at being gaslighted, appear to be churlish to others observing the dynamic
    • If she tries to confide in a family member or friend, she may be disbelieved since his performative masking is so seemingly above reproach
  • Non-masking behavior at gatherings
    • He may follow through on his threat to embarrass her in front of others, speaking condescendingly, critically, or provoking an argument
    • Vindictively, or out of genuine need to cope, he may do things like go lay down and sleep on a couch in the middle of a party
    • He may sit silently and scroll on his phone, unable to be drawn into conversation by anyone
    • He may abdicate any shared parenting role, refusing to monitor children and necessitating his wife to over-function while she tries to enjoy the gathering (possibly her only positive holiday experience)
  • Imposing inflexible standards and expectations: expecting all family members to participate in religious observance to the same extent and devotion level; extolling the virtues of simplicity to serve his financial goals and/or absolve him of gift-giving; using his mother’s manner of doing things as the litmus test for his wife

** A note about gender: I tend to observe that ASD men in heterosexual marriages struggle the most with the above holiday behavior being a stacked phenomenon. (Meaning, multiple characteristics vs. a few.) While autistic wives certainly deal with overwhelm, and can be quite high-conflict with their same-sex partner or male partner on a holiday, it appears that their overwhelm does not quite manifest in the totality of what is described above. Autistic wives, from my discussions with clients, tend to mask at a higher level through the holiday, participating with children and responsibilities of the day (not always prior) – and then have a crash afterwards. Their spouse may be treated as a scapegoat, and they may be left out of receiving gifts, but the autistic wife is not abandoning total participation in the holiday (to the degree that autistic husbands often do). I try to be very inclusive on the blog with my language, but this is an acknowledgement of my intentional choice to reference that these behaviors tend to be shared in coaching from NT wives and ASD husbands, despite the fact that I work with all manner of neurotype pairings. This does not minimize the deprivation or harmful impact on neurotypical spouses of autistic women, but to offer a means in which to voice the different manifestations of autism in marriage and holidays.

The isolating perspective from others around the NT spouse, who fail to understand the chronic nature of deprivation, is that it isn’t just one random, odd holiday that is couched in misery. Depending on the family’s culture – it’s EVERY Diwali, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice or the New Year that are spent in high conflict and disappointment. It’s her birthday, the kids’ birthdays, Mother’s Day, the 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Ramadan, Easter, Passover, Eid al-Adha. It’s any special holiday that creates a bucket of potential triggers for the autistic partner. For the neurotypical spouse, with neurotypical needs, it is a pervasive lack of joy on sacred days that the rest of the world experiences as connected, relational, attuned and memory-making.

The relentless absence of gift-giving is an often private shame and sadness for neurotypical spouses. For one, it may compound childhood traumas of being ignored or neglected on holidays. The hope of a generous husband who sees and values his wife in a tangible way, never quite dies. It may feel embarrassing to disclose to others, wondering if they will conclude it’s somehow deserved to be deprived. It may even feel humiliating in front of children, as forgetting mom becomes normalized, and trickles down into Mother’s Day and her birthday as children grow up. Other times, children may be put in the position of surrogate spouse, feeling an inappropriate obligation to make up for Mom’s lack of presents since Dad is unbothered. Lastly, women who are routinely ignored on holidays tend to chastise themselves internally, thinking they must seem materialistic to expect a present on holidays. Husbands may say, “just buy yourself something,” or “just buy it, wrap it, and put your name on it.” (The relational aspect of gift-giving is not grasped.) Conversely, with the frequent co-occurrence of financially controlling behavior, the autistic husband may behave in a miserly way toward his wife in the area of gifting. Neurotypical wives in these dynamics are almost never in hope of extravagance – just acknowledgement that they are valued. Trinkets from the dollar store, or presents that are impersonally bizarre, are more hurtful than nothing at all. 

Autistic husbands may experience shame or dread about their inadequacy in the area of gifting, or they may also be angry that their efforts aren’t “good enough.” Some may consider the intent behind the gift to matter more than the actual gift, imposing an expectation of unending altruism from his wife. Mindblindness may prevent the autistic husband’s imagination of what she would like to receive, even when he is well-meaning and striving to be thoughtful. Gifts from spiteful ASD spouses (possibly lost in the adversarial dynamic), might be intentionally paltry. The justification in his mind stems from her responses to previous efforts. (It’s also less painful for him to hear that his gift is terrible when he knows he didn’t try, and he places blame on her expectations.) Other autistic men will not purchase anything out of anxiety, distraction, avoidance or disinterest. Despite their struggles with intimate, thoughtful gift-giving – autistic husbands often have firm expectations for receiving gifts.

Aside from spending the holiday feeling personally disappointed, over-worked, hypervigilant and forgotten – a neurotypical wife often despairs for her children. She so desperately wants happy childhood memories of holidays, for them. She may wear herself out in trying to masquerade normalcy for her children. Bright smiles, corralling kids through holiday traditions that she’s implemented – hoping children don’t notice that Dad has disappeared, refused to participate, or made his presence an angry or uncomfortable one. She often grieves behind her own mask, wanting to just get through the day, trying to not imagine that her children will suffer lasting impact from relentlessly dysfunctional holidays. 

As often discussed on this blog, there is no doubt that autistic limitations are real. There is also no doubt that neurotypical needs don’t simply disappear in neurodiverse marriage. A middle ground does exist, one in which mutual personal responsibility is resolutely undertaken. The neurotypical spouse may be equally lacking emotional resources on a holiday, though for different reasons. She is likely masking through the holiday in order to get through it. The effort expended in doing most of the shopping, wrapping, baking, meal-planning, house-cleaning, and preparation for gatherings is certainly not without impact. Years of “doing it all,” in hopes of enjoying a holiday that isn’t marred by ruination takes an emotional toll. Yet, most of the time, especially with children involved, neurotypical wives hold it together. They don’t permit themselves to further devolve the holiday by contributing to dysregulation. Others may become reactive, and then drown in shame (or be blamed) that they couldn’t endure another holiday with deprivational abuse.

Autistic spouses who are willing to self-confront, acknowledge the holiday pattern, and actively seek to correct the course through coping ahead – have much different experiential and relational outcomes. It is possible to handle triggers, honor marital agreements, and take on the necessary self-management to get through a day that is highly meaningful to their spouses and children. The act of integrity in doing so is often the best family gift that a wife could imagine the family receiving, and has a positive generational impact on children – who have the emotional nurturing of healthy, holiday memories being modeled by Mom and Dad.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

Can Abuse be Attributed to an Autistic Spouse?

October was Domestic Violence Awareness month. (And as much as I wanted to post this blog in the appropriate month, I couldn’t quite make it happen.) During October, survivors, advocates and allies come together in hopes of raising awareness, mourning the tragedy of lives lost, and discussing the trauma and experience of intimate partner violence. For many victims, abuse and neglect remain a hidden source of pain and shame. For neurodiverse couples, domestic violence is an issue that remains under-discussed, and VERY poorly resourced. 

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence encompasses the perpetration of maltreatment that falls under categories of physical violence and psychological aggression. It includes emotional, verbal, sexual, economic, covert, passive-aggressive, reaction-seeking and deprivational abuse.

The function of abuse is to gain power and/or control. In abusive marriages, a pattern exists in which a spouse uses tactics to intimidate, threaten, aggress, injure, humiliate, frighten, punish, retaliate, isolate, encroach, coerce, guilt, blame, shame, taunt, malign, slander, demean, gaslight, stonewall, scapegoat, stalk, thwart, withhold, deprive or restrict.

Can an autistic spouse abuse their partner?

Yes. Any neurotype can be a victim, and any neurotype can be an offender. Just as allistic individuals can be an abusive partner – so, too, can an autistic spouse. 

Cassandra spouses often wrestle with how to characterize harmful behavior from their autistic spouse. Since autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder, and considered a disability from a medical and legal standpoint in the US, a neurotypical spouse may feel very conflicted about whether pernicious behavior can be termed abusive.

Isn’t it more likely that autistic individuals are primarily in the position of victim, and not offender?

It is absolutely true that ASD children are at increased likelihood of victimization. Bullying and exclusion at school, inability to perceive predatory intent from others – many aspects of autism exacerbate vulnerability. Higher levels of anger in ASD children seem to correlate with increased victimization (perhaps increased maltreatment from frustrated caregivers, as ASD children are more frequently reported to child abuse hotlines for substantiated abuse or neglect concerns). Sexual victimization is at a much higher incidence compared to non-autistic individuals, and especially pervasive among autistic girls and women. It’s also safe to say that abuse and neglect are likely under-reported in ASD individuals. This document outlines various complicated factors that disrupt accurate reporting, and also reveals findings from surveys conducted amongst caregivers and autistic individuals (with and without intellectual disabilities) regarding perpetration of abuse and violence.

This study used self-reporting to examine rates of violence against autistic adults without intellectual disabilities (ID), and non-autistic adults. Collectively, autistic adults without ID reported experiencing more violence than non-autistic adults. Autistic women without ID reported a much higher rate of violence in comparison to non-autistic women. TGNC (Transgender and Gender Non-Conforming) autistic adults also reported a high level of violence (but could not be compared against non-autistic counterparts). There was no significant statistical difference in victimization patterns when comparing the same-gender reports of autistic men without ID, to non-autistic men. 

What features of autism create difficulty in discerning culpability for abusive behavior?

Many neurotypical spouses struggle with wondering if mind-blindness, poor perspective-taking, social deficits, inflexible thinking, and propensity for emotional dysregulation, may exonerate ASD partners from being labeled abusive.

When are autistic deficits no longer a factor in determining abusive behavior?

If a partner has been informed of perpetrating harm, then social-emotional confusion is mitigated. Choosing to persist in unwelcome behavior is no longer an issue of impaired social cognition. It is a willful choice to disregard the spouse’s communication and needs.

Any autistic person, without co-occurring intellectual disabilities, is capable of grasping the following words and phrases: “stop,” “no,” “I don’t like that,” “you’re scaring me,” “you’re hurting me,” “please don’t do that.” Consent language is not a mystery. Babies develop comprehension of the word “no” as early as 6 months old (and as late as 18 months old); it’s reasonable to expect an otherwise cognitively-functioning autistic adult to grasp the meaning, too. 

What is an autistic individual’s personal responsibility?

The responsibility of any person is to stop harming other people when made aware of impact. Unintentional harm is still harm. Culpability exists when we know better, but choose not to do better, and refuse to consider impact over intention. If we lack the skills to prevent ourselves from harming others – such as poor impulse control, maladaptive coping skills, easily triggered anger, mood instability, executive function deficits – then it is a personal responsibility to find supports in which to compensate for those impairments that negatively impact our loved ones.

Autistic or not, everyone is tasked with understanding where personal freedom begins and ends, especially in our most intimate relationships. It is a misuse of our power to behave in a way that imposes harm, and then excuse the impact by insisting it is our right and freedom to do as we choose. Inflexible thinking might be a symptom of autism, but imposing a self-serving belief that agreement must be achieved before ceasing unwelcome behavior is not an autism trait. It’s an entitlement issue.

Does research reveal anything about abuse directed at an intimate partner by an autistic spouse?

It is only recently that we have empirical data regarding the incidence of physical and psychological abuse present in ND relationships, specifically toward neurotypical women from autistic men. The results showed that “women with diagnosed partners, and women who suspect their partners to be on the autism spectrum, similarly reported being subjected to physical and psychological abuse at a significantly higher rate than women in a NT relationship.” The researchers also wrote, “according to the existent body of knowledge, women who are in Neurodiverse Relationships report a pattern of ongoing emotional and sexual deprivation, as well as physical and mental symptoms that are reminiscent of symptoms of trauma and post trauma. They describe a relationship categorized by domestic, physical and mental abuse, extreme challenges in communication and high levels of conflict.”

A recent international study focused on ASD & ADHD male offenders of domestic violence, and the limitations of current perpetrator programs that fail to serve their needs. Researchers interviewed ten practitioners, from around the globe, who specifically work with neurodiverse male perpetrators. Within the report, several quotes were shared concerning the special concerns for female survivors.

One practitioner interviewed said, “I can very easily see how talking about somebody’s diagnosis or presentation could actually really encourage survivors to further remove the accountability, and the blame, for where that behavior is coming from in the perpetrator. That may encourage people to stay in relationships, whereas otherwise they wouldn’t necessarily have done so. Or, to make excuses, or to continue to blame themselves for triggering behaviors, because actually it’s not (the autistic partner’s) fault, it’s their diagnosis…” 

How can there be room for autistic behaviors alongside the consideration of others?

Solutions that honor the needs of both partners can certainly be found. The key is that equal consideration is given to both parties. Might an autistic partner need a break during a difficult conversation, and perhaps it’s frustrating for the neurotypical spouse? Yes. Is it reasonable for the autistic spouse’s break to extend for hours, and turn into a nap, followed by phone scrolling, tv time and total neglect of household and childcare duties, while also avoiding the difficult conversation? No. It is not reasonable.

Autistic individuals are sometimes vocal about the imposing of limitations on autistic behaviors in marriage. Yet, we cannot ask either spouse to do the impossible. We cannot eliminate autism, and nor can we ask any spouse to endure abuse. 

One example: meltdowns commonly happen when an autistic individual is overloaded. The function of a meltdown is to release overwhelm for the autistic person, but it negatively impacts those who witness it. Children simply cannot be exposed to a parent who is screaming, yelling obscenities, throwing things, hitting walls, possibly issuing threats, targeting them or their other parent, etc., and nor should any spouse be subjected to that behavior. (Read more about the horrifying implications for children’s futures when they witness household dysfunction, abuse and neglect.)

In 2019 at the World Autism Summit, Dr. Tony Attwood (world-renowned autism expert) spoke about the troubling issue of inauthentic meltdowns among autistic individuals. A true autistic meltdown is an involuntary loss of faculties due to overwhelm. A weaponized outburst may look like a meltdown, but the autistic person is in control of their behavior, seeking to coerce a specific outcome. Dr. Attwood referred to this as “domestic terrorism,” and then repeated his sentiments in later formats. As imaginable, the term “domestic terrorism” has been met with outrage from the autistic community. Yet, what else should we term behavior that is an intentional, imposed hostage situation for spouses and children? The message of, “if you don’t comply with what I want, then you will suffer my calculated screaming, throwing things, aggression, verbal intimidation, property destruction (etc),” is abusive. It is domestic violence.

An autistic individual with consideration for his or her family is willing to cope ahead, by creating a behavioral plan, and seeking consultation to help minimize harmful exposure of problematic behaviors to loved ones. This approach is true for any autistic behavior – sensory overload, shutdowns, rigid or repetitive behaviors, executive functioning deficits. The autistic partner must be permitted to caretake himself, but not at the expense of others. Middle grounds must be found that take into consideration the needs of both partners. One set of needs does not outweigh the other, and some measure of sacrifice is involved for each person.

What if the autistic partner insists that their behavior is not abusive?

For neurodiverse marriages to work, there must be an inherent trust that both partners are communicating with integrity. If a spouse identifies behavior that is harmful to their sense of safety and well-being, then the other spouse responds with attunement and effort to shift behavior. We don’t need to concur that something is harmful in order to change behavior that infringes upon personal safety or well-being; we just need the willingness to respond with accommodation.

When an autistic spouse tells me it isn’t fair to be held to neurotypical standards of communication, I remind him or her that these aren’t neurotypical standards. It is a human standard that we cannot emotionally or physically injure those around us, whether we have interactional challenges or not. The truth is that we all have areas that require extra effort, many of which are not by choice, and life is sadly not fair. We can look to individuals born with missing limbs, lack of eyesight, impaired hearing. We can consider the sufferings acquired from car accidents, sports injuries, assaults, combat service, or other various circumstances. Is a deaf parent less accountable for keeping their child safe, just because they can’t hear a train or car coming? Are the experiences of childhood trauma an excuse to enact the same abuse upon our own children, just because that’s what was modeled to us? No.

When we choose to get married, or when we choose to have children, inherent behavioral expectations come alongside those decisions. 

The neurotypical spouse accommodates her neurodivergent spouse on many levels, including the cultivation of her own self-control when frustrated by his behavior. But we cannot expect anyone to walk on eggshells with a misplaced sense of responsibility for preventing it, nor indulge harmful behavior.

Why might an autistic person view harmful behavior as non-abusive?

Limited perspective-taking can contribute to difficulty in taking ownership of behavior. An autistic spouse might emphasize intention over impact when defending objectively abusive behavior. Most adults with autism have adverse childhood experiences that negatively impact their perception of appropriate social behavior (in addition to acting as triggers and increasing reactivity). Malice may not be the intent, perception of normalcy might be distorted, but harm is perpetrated. When we unintentionally harm someone, remorse is still necessary, along with a commitment to not repeat the behavior. Unintentional harm becomes abusive when a spouse persists in continuing the behavior, even after being informed that it is unwelcome and unacceptable.

Sometimes an autistic partner may view negative interactions through the lens of fair exchange. If he feels slighted, provoked or mistreated, then he may justify retaliatory behavior that he acknowledges is wrong – but believes it is deserved.

Highly controlling behaviors of autistic individuals are often a maladaptive coping mechanism for managing distress. Autistic spouses may vigorously defend their belief that the controlling behaviors are good, necessary and right. However, seeking toxic control in a marital relationship becomes an infringement on the rights of a spouse. Healthy coping is certainly available to learn, and should be used as a replacement for managing anxiety.

An autistic partner may insist that a behavior is not problematic unless he or she agrees it is harmful. This attitude can quickly become dangerously entitled behavior, with the underlying message being: “I will treat you this way until you convince me to agree that it’s harmful, because I like the benefits of this abusive behavior more than I care about honoring the standard of how you prefer to be treated.”

Can mutual abuse occur in a neurodiverse marriage?

Reactive abuse is often an issue in dysfunctional neurodiverse marriages. It occurs when a victim is being abused or neglected, and then responds to the occurrence with self-protection. It may be singular incidents, or a slow-burning contempt that develops over time.

Episodic reactive abuse can look volatile. It may come with screaming, yelling, sobbing, accusations and insults toward the ASD spouse. Chronic reactive abuse is less volatile and more of an attitude that has developed over years of being mistreated. It’s a combination of self-protection (distancing), despair and anger. Grief and fury live just beneath the surface of a battered neurotypical spouse. The unacknowledged impact of autism upon the relationship can sometimes lead to denigrating, belittling or demeaning an ASD partner’s neurology. (Not character or integrity issues in regard to abusive behaviors, or autistic deficits that are weaponized as excuses – but shaming, condescending or humiliating a partner for true autistic impairment that cannot be mitigated past a certain ceiling.) It may sometimes lead to imposing impossible expectations that dismiss legitimate limitations. Autistic individuals cannot become neurotypical. Refusing to accept or accommodate reasonable adjustments for autism, is equal to autistic spouses refusing to accept or accommodate reasonable neurotypical needs.

A neurotypical spouse may apologize for their reactive behaviors and be met with the autistic partner viewing the apology as admission of full responsibility for the entire dynamic. The autistic spouse may not reciprocate apologies, believing that only one person can be wrong, and focus more on their own feelings of mistreatment in the current moment. It’s not uncommon for an autistic partner to view themselves as the primary victim in a neurodiverse marriage, regardless of how and when the dynamic started. Additionally, they may focus on the current moment of conflict, versus recognition of the abusive pattern.

Both partners must be accountable for cultivating self-control, healthy coping, and personal safety, especially if a relationship is so dysfunctional that circular abuse patterns are the norm.

What objectively abusive behaviors are commonly misattributed to the nature of autism, despite the spouse having been informed of the harmful impact?

Financial: preventing access to funds, withholding account passwords, dictating spousal allowances, miserly or obsessive tracking of expenditures, punishing reasonable spending, inequality in spending privileges, lack of transparency with marital funds, indiscriminate spending, irresponsible financial behavior that places jeopardy upon the family well-being

Physical: rough touching, injury, restricting spousal movement, backing a spouse into a corner, aggressive posture toward spouse, slapping, kicking, hitting, smacking, grabbing, shaking

Sexual: rape, assault, coercion, unwelcome groping, disregarding consent, ignoring bodily autonomy, infidelity, secret porn use, compulsive masturbation to the exclusion of the spouse, pressure to conceive, controlling access to birth control, guilt-tripping, punishment when declined

Verbal: belittling, demeaning, denigration, name-calling, taunting, screaming, mockery, cursing or swearing at the spouse (or in front of children), harassment

Emotional: threatening, frightening, stonewalling, blame-shifting, gaslighting, revisionist history, pervasive rejection, instilling fear, discrepancy of attention toward spouse vs. other interests, investigative snooping without cause, slander, weaponizing executive functioning deficits, passive-aggression, retaliation, humiliation, inappropriate attachments or affairs, stalking, coercive control, choosing to weaponize children or household stability

Reaction-seeking: intentional provocation to trigger victim responses, weaponized demand avoidance, faux helplessness, or choosing to not monitor executive functioning

Withholding: sex, affection, communication, interaction, money, necessary information, cooperation, quality time, equitable household distribution of labor, shared parenting, self-monitoring, personal responsibility (relying on excessive prompt-dependency).

Ultimately, what is the way forward when an abusive pattern exists in a neurodiverse marriage?

  1. Determining if mitigating autistic social-emotional confusion stops abusive behavior.
  2. Determining if co-occurring mental health issues are in need of therapeutic treatment.
  3. Determining if abusive behaviors are a function of entitlement.
  4. Determining if the autistic partner is willing to seek and implement consultation for problematic behaviors and skill-building.
  5. Practicing boundaries and committing to enforcement and prioritization of personal safety.

Abuse is fundamentally an issue of entitlement. It’s not a neurology issue, and it isn’t a marriage issue. We cannot expect anyone to accommodate abusive behavior, whether it is exacerbated by extenuating circumstances or not. The burden of change is on the person infringing upon the rights and safety of others.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

The Barren Desert of Emotional Reciprocity

Of all the various categories that require reciprocity in marriage, emotional reciprocity is at the heart of intimacy for a neurotypical wife. She is inherently drawn toward connection, and she desires the mutuality of synchrony with her husband. Since warm, loving, intimate relationships are a necessity for her neurology,  the presence of chronic impassivity from her spouse is a primary factor in the development of Cassandra Syndrome (also called Emotional Deprivation Disorder, Affective Deprivation Disorder or, most recently – Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome).

As human beings, we never lose our need for attunement. We see across our life span the need for empathic response. A crying baby needs the affective support of a concerned expression and soothing voice. A delighted toddler looks expectantly at our face to recognize the reflected joy in our smile and eyes. As adults, we still need empathy. No matter how many other close relationships we have, emotional reciprocity from our spouse is a fundamental need for the health and wellness of a neurotypical individual.

The absence of emotional reciprocity in a marriage to an autistic partner can feel like a barren desert. A neurotypical wife’s emotions are often unseen, ignored, mishandled or mistreated.

What is emotional reciprocity?

In marriage, we practice emotional reciprocity through empathic response. We remain cognizant of our spouse’s affect, understanding it is an outward indication of their inner emotional experience. We notice when our partner needs attentiveness, and we respond or initiate as necessary. We nurture with generosity, soothing our spouse with connected words, actions and affective demeanor. As emotional needs surface on either side, partners turn toward one another for sustenance, providing the feeling of being “felt.” A sacred trust develops between spouses as they cultivate the emotional intimacy of empathic exchange. We meet our spouse in their emotional experience, whether it’s reflecting our affective notice of a simple pleasure, tiny disappointment, or life-changing event. It is found within our greetings and goodbyes, our pillow talk before bed, our conversation over dinner, our mundane and milestone parenting moments, our serious conversations, and lighthearted humor. Emotional reciprocity is the circle of communication between spouses who respond congruently to one another’s affect. 

Our affect is a tremendous source of information for our spouse. We are able to convey nuanced emotion just through the micro-movements of our face, body, expression and tone. It is the leaning in toward our spouse, the tilt of our head to show our engagement. Our gaze locked into their eyes, waiting with measured anticipation of what they might say. Affect includes our smiles and grins and frowns and quivering lips. It is the edge to our voice, or the softness. It is the rise of an eyebrow, the furrow of a brow, the exclamation punctuating our words. The note in our voice that breaks from heartache. The surprise evidenced by our open mouth that gapes in shock. Our wrinkled nose of disgust, the squint of disbelief. Our hands clasped with hope. A shake of our head, a sneer on our face, the pain behind our lips pressed tightly together. So much of our mind and heart is conveyed through our face and body.

Emotional reciprocity is a reflection of the influence that develops from intimacy. The feelings of those we love matter to us! We may not agree with their feelings, we may not share their perspective. But when we see our spouse’s outer reflection of an inner emotion, we are moved. Our partner’s feelings influence our behavior. Their emotion elicits our empathetic response, and affective support, which creates emotional reciprocity in a relationship. 

What elements of autism contribute to a lack of emotional reciprocity in a neurodiverse marriage?

– Language and auditory processing delays

– Literal thinking that limits abstract language comprehension

– Challenges with registering facial expressions of partner

– Lacking awareness of his own facial expression

– Incongruence between his facial expression and inner feeling

– Alexithymia and poor capacity to verbalize emotional language

– Misinterpretation of his partner’s tone, and difficulty with his own voice modulation

– Impaired interactional perspective-taking and/or mind-blindness

– Impaired ability to store and apply information about other people

– Restricted topics of interest that hold his attention 

– Repetitive behaviors from him that distract either partner (motor movements, vocal tics, echolalia, palilalia) 

– Difficulty noticing and interpreting non-verbal cues correctly

– Difficulty with turn-taking in conversation

– Difficulty staying on topic and not shifting to his preferred topic

– Emotional dysregulation and poor distress tolerance

– Social anxiety reducing communication skills

– Anticipatory anxiety due to outcome from past conversations

– Executive functioning deficits (working memory, self-monitoring, organizing thoughts)

– Poor sustained attention and in-attentional blindness 

Do these neurological attributes remove the possibility of emotional reciprocity?

No. The biggest block to emotional reciprocity, intimacy and attunement is a lack of willingness, agreeability and conscientiousness. When two partners are equally oriented toward the goal of empathic response, then the difficulties that arise from neurology are endurable. A blip in memory, a distracted response, a robotic tone, a missed non-verbal cue – it doesn’t add up in the manner that problematic behavior patterns do over time. A neurotypical wife often has an abundance of compassion and kindness for a good-hearted husband who acknowledges his challenges, addresses the impact upon his wife, and endeavors to sustain learning and change.

What behavior in a neurodiverse marriage thwarts emotional reciprocity?

Impassivity is the antithesis of emotional reciprocity, and the autistic spouse might often present as detached or indifferent to his wife. Her daily initiation of interaction with him might be rarely met with more than a blip of acknowledgement. Sometimes, the most heartbreaking appearance of impassivity is when the neurotypical wife has something to share that is especially important. Maybe she’s gotten wonderful news, or perhaps something tragic has happened. I’ve met countless women who have shared any number of life-altering disclosures with their ASD husband (cancer diagnosis, death of a parent, catastrophic incidents involving children, severe injuries sustained from car accidents, job loss or work transfers across the country, ruined financial investments, a house fire, pregnancy loss or stillbirth, a variety of health crises) – only to be met with minimal response. A blank expression, flat voice, absent eye contact. “Ok,” is a common response (especially over text). Neurotypical wives frequently carry the grief of having spoken their most intimate words into a vast void of silence, instead of into their husband’s heart.

An autistic husband’s flat affect is equally devastating when a neurotypical wife attempts to problem-solve her pain with him. She has likely voiced her catastrophic despair on a regular basis to her husband. Yet, his impassivity only seems to increase as her emotions escalate. No matter how much primal sobbing, begging and pleading for a response that acknowledges her devastation – he is seemingly unmoved. Maybe mildly annoyed, or yawning with somatic symptoms of anxiety, but certainly not responding with emotional reciprocity. His eyes are not filled with tears of shame and horror upon learning of his wife’s daily deprivational ruination. Instead, he may view himself as being abused by her emotions, when they have escalated to a point that involves hysteria. He likely doesn’t connect any personal responsibility toward the antecedent of her desolation – not his years of neglect toward her, nor the repeated ignoring of her requests for emotional attentiveness, and not even his stony face and silence during the immediate conversation. I’ve heard stories of some impassive husbands who whistle or hum to themselves during their wife’s breakdowns. This serves as a self-soothing stim, but to his neurotypical wife – the impact is a sense of monstrous cruelty. Impassive men also tend to run away, back out of the room or otherwise “abandon” when their wife reaches a certain level of panic – typically triggering her original wounds from childhood.

For some autistic men, they fall on the more reactive side of engagement. They have difficulty regulating their emotions. An autistic spouse might become explosive or angry when hearing about the feelings of his wife. He may respond in ways that are not only unattuned, but designed to shut down the experience so that he is not exposed to her feelings. He may admonish, shame, blame, mock or behave with a sense of irritation or boredom (or even project smug amusement at what he considers absurdity). If his anxiety is triggered by her emotions, then he may be disruptive in his insistence that she stop crying, stop speaking, etc. He may diminish her feelings by demeaning validity. If she escalates in response, then he escalates more.

Staying on topic is often an enormous difficulty for an autistic husband when his neurotypical wife is experience-sharing. Most topic-switching behaviors are an effective avoidance tool, which destroys any opportunity for emotional reciprocity.

The autistic husband may classify his wife’s feelings as being either right, or wrong. When his wife shares a perspective that differs from his own, he may feel compelled to argue about her feelings and insist they aren’t justified. He misses that it isn’t his job to grant permission for her feelings to exist, but that she simply needs to be heard with empathic support. Even when prompted as to the response she needs, he might perseverate on his insistence that feelings cannot be supported if they are wrong.

He may become stuck on certain words or language that she uses, choosing to argue about semantics instead of addressing her topic. Hey may choose to debate her experience, negating the informational content of her sharing. When she pushes back on her right to assert her experience in the words that she chooses, he categorically denies her reality and the conflict escalates. The discussion is no longer about her feelings in regard to an occurrence, but about “what actually happened.” Feelings go unaddressed because the factual component is too distracting to him, and the idea that her perspective differs is too unacceptable. Truth is objective, so therefore only one correct interpretation can exist.

When she shares her feelings, he may echo them as his own and shift the topic away from her experience. This is especially likely if she shares hurt or discomfort, and can take on a competitive edge. She says she feels sick, and he asserts that he feels worse. He may take it a step further and go straight to bed in order to recover, despite not having mentioned a word until she spoke up about her own ill feeling. Often there is zero recognition that she, too, might need to rest. The focus becomes his suffering, and not hers. If it’s a matter of her addressing a hurtful occurrence, he may not waste a word of acknowledgement toward anything she shared. Instead, he swiftly launches into a list of his grievances about her behavior.

Stonewalling is an all too common occurrence in neurodiverse marriages, and akin to murdering any possibility of emotional reciprocity. Her feelings are not just invalidated, shut down, argued with, flipped or otherwise denigrated. Instead, the neurotypical wife and her emotions are ignored and neglected into oblivion. When her feelings appear to be sufficiently extinguished from the weight of his silent punishment, then the autistic husband might re-engage with his wife – but not with emotional reciprocity. If he views himself victimized by the audacity of her emotional experience sharing, he may believe she owes him an apology before permitting her to exist in his universe again.

Autistic men who exhibit a larger degree of delayed language processing may seem to ignore conversational initiation. Yet, the intention is not usually to be avoidant. It is more reflective of genuine interactive impairment. Conversation requires verbal and auditory sequencing skills, and the autistic man who is a very slow processor will also struggle to predict purpose or intended outcome of the language exchange. She may nervously share about an upcoming meeting with her boss, or express excitement over a child’s new milestone. While allistic individuals would respond with congruent affect, men who are especially slow processors frequently do not. He may respond to questions, as those are more concrete. But her commentary seemingly floats past him. Feeling ignored in everyday acknowledgement of basic conversation is impactful for the neurotypical wife – not just on a daily basis, but over the course of time. One does not expect to be unseen and unheard in one’s own home. A neurotypical wife has the need and expectation of daily conversational connection. She may interpret his chronic silence as disdain, disinterest or a lack of love.

Transactional mindset is often an issue. The neurotypical woman is a connective communicator, while her autistic husband is likely an informational communicator. He has his preferred topics of interest to discuss, which usually revolve around his special interest or work. He may also consider his information-sharing to be instructive, and beneficial to his wife. His favorite topics hold his attention for long periods of time, unlike conversation matters that she might bring up to him. If his speaking pattern veers toward compulsively over-talking, his wife’s strained affect might go unnoticed. He may be offended when she makes boundaries around the restrictive and repetitive information-sharing, and conflate it with her need for emotional connection on a daily basis. If she doesn’t want to hear about astronomy every day, then he doesn’t want to discuss her feelings. His limited perspective and different priorities cloud insight into the mutual benefit of cultivating emotional intimacy – without transaction.

Over time, disinterest is sometimes his primary response to her distressed affect or experience-sharing. Not confusion, not anger. Possibly annoyance, but minimal arguing and not angry stonewalling. Just disinterest. “Are you done crying yet?” may be asked with a polite or slightly irritated tone. Her despair is status quo for him.

How does the absence of emotional reciprocity hinder emotional intimacy in the marriage?

Emotional intimacy is simply the feeling of being deeply known and seen by our spouse. It is difficult for a neurotypical wife to be deeply known or seen, because the autistic partner is inherently self-focused through the default of his neurology. She finds herself having to explain and defend herself, and her needs, very frequently. She may be cast by her husband as too emotional, too needy, too demanding, too critical. It’s a heartbreaking barrier to ever being truly emotionally intimate when one is gravely misunderstood, or criminalized for having emotional needs, by their intimate partner.

Sometimes, the neurotypical wife receives a glimmer of understanding and accountability from him. The respite from emotional starvation feels almost intoxicating – she wants to believe that this can be the new normal. It affirms his capability and brightens her hope for the future dramatically. She may likely suggest that they attend counseling, coaching or receive some sort of consultation to maintain momentum. It can be a new season for the couple in which emotional intimacy and reciprocity begin to bloom. Alternatively, it can be exponentially crazy-making to receive acknowledgement of her emotions, confirmation of his role, promises for change – and then have it stripped away when it cannot be sustained with support. Her glimpse of emotional intimacy is even more desperately desired, and her belief that she can convince him if she just tries hard enough is reinforced.

Does the autistic husband have any expectation of emotional reciprocity for himself?

Yes, the paradox of autism is how aware individuals are of their own sense of deprivation, but of course has vast difficulty identifying the deprivation that partners experience. An autistic husband can become quite hurt and feel angrily slighted when his wife does not reciprocate through affect, or action, an acknowledgement of distress that he is experiencing. Additionally, he may misread his wife’s affect when she is genuinely trying to attune herself to him. He may find fault with her words, her tone or her body language. Other times, he looks to his wife as a maternal source of comfort when he’s ill or sad or otherwise feeling hurt or stressed. He may feel envious when children require her attentiveness, and believe she is neglecting him.

There are times in which empathic response is triggering for an autistic individual. A reactive husband with poor distress tolerance may displace anger upon his wife when she responds with concern. He may attempt to escalate the situation to goad her into negative reciprocity, which in turn releases anxiety and tension for him – but creates harm through scapegoating her and blame-shifting. 

The neurotypical wife voluntarily turns toward him as his emotional needs arise. She sees and intuitively reads the cues of her husband. Part of her empathic nature (and neurological skill) includes the ability to place herself within his experience, and her response is driven by recognizing his inner actuality. The autistic husband enjoys the benefit of her nurturing, yet does not necessarily recognize it for what it is, nor precisely what he fails to provide for his wife in this area.

Given all the social-emotional-interactional deficits, what is reasonable to emotionally expect from an autistic husband?

While an autistic husband may be uncertain about how to provide affective support or conversational response, the neurotypical wife has often repeatedly scripted for her husband exactly what she would like to hear. She has largely accepted that his face and body are not going to reflect congruent affect, but she still longs for some measure of reciprocity in word or action. 

It’s heartbreaking for the neurotypical wife when she has shortened her expectations of emotional reciprocity to the bare minimum of sustaining emotional survival. It is a never-ending grief that she is reduced to pleading for what sometimes feels like breadcrumbs for her neurological needs. “If you can ask me how my day was at dinner every night, and ask a follow-up question – that would really help me feel connected.” “Can we have a plan that whenever I start to cry, you’ll ask me what’s wrong?” 

Despite her high level of accommodation, she may notice that her husband does not respond to agreed-upon cues, or may resist her prompts. She may still be often told, “I don’t know what you want me to say.” A neurotypical wife may suspect that his confusion has become weaponized in order to avoid engaging in non-preferred conversation. While memorizing phrases to use in certain situations might genuinely be challenging to generalize, an autistic spouse without intellectual deficit is still capable of asking his wife if she needs a hug when she’s crying. Just as he learns other scripts within the broader social world, so too can he build his repertoire of scripts and rules in responding to his wife.

It is unquestionably a challenge to have emotional reciprocity in a marriage when one partner intrinsically struggles with social awareness, relationship skills, affect congruence, and emotional regulation. However, it is not impossible for improvement to be made. The volume of helping professionals in the field of autism, and the success that is achieved with repetition and engagement, is evidence that skills can be built and strategies employed. It takes a willing partner to do the very hard work of learning and implementing strategies with his wife in a manner that better meets her neurological needs. It IS difficult to build skills that are not intuitive, and to engage in interaction that is often non-preferred. Yet it is a reciprocal endeavor. She, too, has largely existed outside of preference for the majority of the marriage. Both partners must meet within a middle path to have some hope for a measure of contentment. 

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

The Deprivation of Sense-Making for Cassandra

As human beings, we have a desire to understand our experiences, our relationships, our world and ourselves. When events occur that are surprising, unusual, or substantially outside of our expectations, we are driven to consider what factors influence the occurrence. We often don’t realize that sense-making is automated until we are confronted with a disruption. Prolonged confusion from an inability to label, identify or otherwise understand the circumstances we are confronted with can deeply impact our sense of well-being.

Women married to men on the spectrum are often chronically disoriented within their relationships, in both broad and narrow dimensions. When the autistic partner’s mask comes off, it is highly startling for his neurotypical wife. His conduct and treatment of her is bewildering, as it isn’t congruent to the man she dated. Over the course of time, various aspects of his behavior, and the marriage itself, are far outside the predicted course of what the neurotypical wife expected from her relationship. She experiences turmoil in trying to make sense of her husband, who seems so utterly different from the person she originally married. The absence of expected experiences and interactions from her spouse are equally baffling and hurtful. She is habitually preoccupied with trying to make sense of his demeanor, intent and conduct. Equally strange to her is that he seems to be his best self when around other people.

The search for sense-making is often arduous for the neurotypical wife of an undiagnosed ASD husband.

When she discovers autism as a probability, some sense-making can begin for the neurotypical wife. However, neurodiverse marriages have not been abundantly studied. We have relatively little relationship research nor literature available for women who urgently need to make sense of their marital dynamic. Autism presents differently (and sometimes diametrically) from one adult individual to the next, and there are frequently additional, co-occurring issues happening. The result is that even as the neurotypical wife is encountering a glimmer of sense-making from uncovering autism, she is impeded by lack of information and few resources. Some Cassandras will seek out individual consultation from mental health practitioners in hopes of acquiring more sense-making. Sadly, adult autism is not widely understood by the average therapist, especially in the context of marital relationships. This can be another door shut in the pursuit of sense-making.

Making sense of her husband is an imperative factor in aiding Cassandra’s peace, health and wellness. Her mind and body have experienced persistent turmoil for often the entire duration of their marriage. The consequence of her years and years of bewilderment (along with the impact of his conduct toward her) is destructive for her emotional and physical welfare. If the identification of autism has long eluded her, she may have succumbed to blaming herself for the treatment she receives – perhaps she is deserving of emotional neglect, deprivation, and behaviors that seem intentionally cruel. Her autistic husband may seemingly ignore her pleas for problem-solving in hopes of sustainable change. If he goes to couples therapy with her, he may do so reluctantly, or not implement suggestions from the therapist. The therapist may minimize or dismiss Cassandra’s notion that neurodiversity is a possibility in the marriage (compounding the feeling of being disbelieved, and unable to convey the complexities of the marriage to anyone at all).

Unfortunately, many neurodiverse marriages are lacking in equal desire to make sense of marital dynamics. The neurotypical wife’s effort to initiate sense-making for the marriage might often be met with resistance, avoidance or disinterest. Her broaching of neurodiversity as a topic to explore may be viewed as an attack upon him, and perceived as a negative attribution of his behavior and idiosyncrasies. He may refuse any shared investigation into the possibility of autism as a factor applicable to their marital difficulties. He may frequently respond with self-righteous indignation when she points out unintelligible behavior. He may find it silly that she spends such a great deal of time attempting to understand him. He may express contempt for her desire to make sense of his conduct, and what motivates it. In addition to the status quo of emotional deprivation from him, she is deprived of the well-being associated with collaborative sense-making. His disinterest is also a rejection of her – she is eager to understand her husband, but that curiosity is not reciprocal. He is not interested in decoding his wife. He is not endlessly researching to understand why he and his wife have such discord, nor why his wife expresses such hurt and discontent.

The adversarial withholding of sense-making is a significant emotional deprivation for Cassandra. Connected couples make sense of their difficulties alongside one another. Healthy, allied partners thoughtfully communicate perspectives, and they receive one another’s narrative with care and consideration. Reciprocal sharing, and open-mindedness toward one another, allows for integrating a mutual understanding of events, behaviors and experiences. It permits collaborative sense-making. Most importantly, the neurotypical wife feels less alone.

Men who are willing to consider the presence of autism, and especially those who are able to see themselves within the symptoms – effectively open the door to the relief of sense-making for Cassandra. When he consents to ASD evaluation, participates with honest self-disclosure, allows his wife to provide input if asked, and is open to accepting the diagnosis if one is given – he provides his marriage an opportunity for growth and insight. Using the lens of neurology to understand one another is a much more helpful way to make sense of each other’s needs and behaviors. Implementing strategies that take neurology differences into consideration are also more productive in building marital satisfaction.

A second tier of sense-making is when the husband (who is perhaps reluctant to accept the label of autism), is still willing to acknowledge that foundational differences exist between them. If he is agreeable to labeling their patterns in similar fashion to his wife, this provides a reference point for both of them, and aids sense-making. Any admission of intrinsic difference is powerful, as it removes the denial that anything identifiable exists. It helps the couple turn toward each other, instead of away. (The neurotypical wife might be used to hearing that if she wasn’t so critical, demanding, unhappy, depressed, emotional… THEN they wouldn’t have any marital conflict.) The challenges of autism still exist for the neurotypical wife – but it is no longer an unmentionable. When discord happens, there is a shared context for safe reference in problem-solving.

Circumstances listed below are commonly a source of confusion for a neurotypical wife married to an autistic man. As one can imagine, the cumulative effect of multiple disruptions to her expectations of a typical relationship is immensely disturbing for her well-being. Marriages are not a source of fulfillment, love, trust or safety when a chronic deprivation from sense-making exists.

The following list is certainly not comprehensive, but here are many issues of which Cassandra might try to make sense of within her marriage:

  • why the relationship shifted so dramatically after marriage
  • why the meltdowns, shutdowns and shut-outs
  • why the rigid and repetitive behaviors
  • why the avoidance when she seeks to positively engage
  • why the social-emotional interaction deficits
  • why the lack of reciprocity or mutuality
  • why the lack of perspective-taking
  • why the poor theory of mind
  • why the explosiveness
  • why the false marital agreements
  • why the defensiveness and denials
  • why the rejection sensitive dysphoria
  • why the executive functioning challenges
  • why the excessive sleep
  • why the longevity of stonewalling
  • why the lack of conflict resolution
  • why the authoritarian exerting of control
  • why the pretending conflict never happened
  • why the refusal to admit wrongdoing
  • why the lack of adequate apologies
  • why the making of amends doesn’t happen
  • why the ‘sorry’ without contrition or changed behavior
  • why the delayed language processing
  • why the differences in auditory processing
  • why the sensory sensitivities
  • why the need for sameness and predictability
  • why the dichotomy of his brilliance + absence of basic life skills
  • why the relationship maintenance seems to fall to her
  • why the co-workers receive his best self, but not her
  • why the adversarial dynamic
  • why the expectation for her to mother him
  • why the reliance on prompts to fulfill obligations
  • why the entitlement to prompts from her
  • why the refusal to implement strategies to fade prompts
  • why the passive disengagement
  • why the passive aggressive punishments
  • why the sullen demeanor
  • why the defensive demeanor
  • why the inflexible demeanor
  • why the angry demeanor
  • why the pretend-everything-is-okay demeanor
  • why the child-like demeanor
  • why the hypomanic demeanor
  • why the lack of empathy for her feelings
  • why the blunt or tactless comments
  • why the negative regard for her
  • why the porn addiction
  • why the seeming lack of libido or hyper-libido
  • why the inability to follow or remember sexual preferences
  • why the secretive sexual behaviors individually
  • why the aversion to aspects of her body
  • why the stimming behaviors
  • why the refusal to seek consultation
  • why the demand avoidance in small requests
  • why the demand avoidance in all matters
  • why the difficulty with compromise
  • why the lack of cooperative problem-solving
  • why the financial secrets or financial control
  • why the financial resources withheld from her
  • why the financial irresponsibility
  • why the lack of consideration for her needs
  • why the requests for change are ignored
  • why the absence of celebration or gifts
  • why the missing recall of basic facts about her life
  • why the variety of struggles with parenting
  • why the inability to anticipate needs for her or the children
  • why the detachment from obligation to meet needs
  • why the household division of labor isn’t equitable
  • why the lack of initiation within their relationship or household
  • why the blame is put upon her for his emotions
  • why the conversational deficits in daily communication
  • why the unresponsiveness to her communication
  • why the endless semantics about words and word meaning
  • why the literal interpretation of her words
  • why the black and white thinking
  • why the ignoring of her feelings in favor of his agenda
  • why her angry or hurt feelings ignite his own angry or hurt feelings
  • why the reversal of victim and offender during grievance sharing
  • why the non-committal answers when attempting to problem-solve
  • why the limited repertoire of emotional language
  • why the expressionless face when she is sobbing
  • why the conclusion that her emotions indicate an intellectual deficit
  • why the emotional affairs when he avoids emotions with her
  • why the physical affairs when he avoids sex with her
  • why there are so many rules
  • why the rules never apply to him
  • why the insisting that his intention matters more than the impact upon her
  • why the refusal to change behavior until she’s almost out the door
  • why the promise to change is never sustained
  • why the special interest deserves more time than the marriage or family
  • why the hours of video games or phone scrolling
  • why the lack of couple friends
  • why the disinterest in socializing together
  • why the workaholic behavior
  • why the shirking of work behavior
  • why the inability to prioritize
  • why the susceptibility to distraction
  • why the enmeshed relationship with his family (or no relationship)
  • why the inability for him to predict outcomes of his behavior
  • why the inability for him to see cause and effect
  • why the desire to stay married despite mutual dissatisfaction

The list could probably go on and on, especially if we were to consider the amount of micro sense-making necessary for daily interactions. It is no surprise that the emotional labor of sense-making is an extraordinarily taxing endeavor, and not always one that is satisfied in the short nor long-term.

Sense-making of the marital dynamic is not an all-encompassing problem solver for Cassandra, nor the neurodiverse marriage. But, it eliminates one piece of the overall deprivation that she faces on a regular basis. Her husband’s willingness to develop mutual understanding helps reduce her feeling of being adrift. The diagnosis and/or acceptance of autism is not a light switch moment for the ASD husband, either – it still takes time to develop insight into himself. He must self-confront and take ownership of his behaviors that confuse and sometimes hurt or harm her. When both partners accept the existence of autism, spouses can begin to make sense of one another through the perspective of neurology.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

Alexithymia, Mind-blindness & Sexual Dysfunction in ASD-NT Marriages

Physical intimacy within a neurodiverse marriage is often problematic. While not a universal problem, it is frequently a devastating reality.

Various circumstances contribute to sexual dysfunction in an AS-NT marriage. (Sensory issues and porn addiction are frequently contributing factors, discussed in more detail here and here.) Additionally, two often overlooked components of sexual dysfunction are the presence of alexithymia and mind-blindness, within the autistic partner. Both conditions play a role in two of the most common and problematic sexual dynamics found in neurodiverse marriages: the Sexual Discard, and the Sexual Obsession.

Sometimes an autistic husband is more affectionate with the family pet than his own wife.

What different manifestations of Sexual Discard exist in a neurodiverse marriage?

  • During dating, the neurodiverse couple may have a satisfying and frequent sex life. The novelty of a new partner might override sensory overwhelm for the autistic man. A new partner may also activate the autistic man’s focus, to the extent that he is more able to cue into his partner’s responses during sex. The neurotypical woman often experiences intimacy as a satisfying and attuned experience. After marriage, usually when she is declining as his special interest, she notices that his sexual desire toward her diminishes. He no longer initiates. He may also act as if he barely recalls the time in which they enjoyed sex together.
  • For couples who reserve sex for marriage, there is often a mutual inexperience that remains unknown until after they are married. The neurotypical wife may have expected her ASD husband to be an enthusiastic lover, as both may have expressed the frustration of waiting for marital sex. She is quite surprised in marriage when he seems indifferent to sex. He may struggle to feel aroused, or maintain arousal. He might be squeamish or stoic during the act, keeping his eyes closed and containing himself in a way that feels distant. The honeymoon may have been an intensely lonely and confusing experience. Occasionally, a couple may not even fully consummate the marriage, despite attempts to do so. The neurotypical wife might find his movements to be robotic, repetitive and ritualized when sex intermittently occurs. Sex feels like the least intimate part of their life instead of the most intimate.
  • Whether sex was previously satisfying or never satisfying, the neurotypical wife may report that she becomes the sole initiator after marriage. He might tell her he “wants” to have sex with her, but never follow through on initiating. He seemingly invents reasons to reject or ignore her. If sex is scheduled, he finds reasons to avoid. If she initiates, he may agree – but is passive about cultivating arousal in her, and might consider the activity to be over when he finishes. Sex is perfunctory and possibly passion-less.
  • Secret porn use may replace any sexual relationship with his neurotypical wife. If he is a long-time user, the private experience is preferable to engaging with his wife. He’s conditioned to experience arousal through observation instead of participation. He may present himself to his wife as being low-drive, when really his sex drive is quite high – but oriented toward masturbation and porn, instead of mutuality. When discovered, her hurt and betrayal may actually be a convenient way to cultivate more sexual avoidance. She is hurt, so she withdraws; she can now be “equally” blamed for why there is no sexual relationship! He’s unmotivated to heal the rupture within the relationship, because this would involve re-connection. His avoidance of marital sex is more firmly secured, thanks to her feeling of betrayal. He may express remorse, but do little in the way of action to change the behavior in the long-term; many husbands report that internet monitoring is easily subverted. Even if he is able to reduce his porn use and behave with authentic transparency, marital sex is rarely a replacement.
  • Sex may exist as a silent ghost in the marriage. Sexuality is not mentioned by either partner, except maybe in small pockets of grief and devastation from the neurotypical wife. He does not ever, under virtually any circumstance, make any mention of sex. He may say he “wants to,” or suggest it during a sobbing confrontation from her – when he knows it’s unlikely to happen as she’s in pure devastation. They co-exist as roommates, parents and maybe as friends. If they still share a bedroom, neither notice or comment on each other’s sexuality. Undressing in front of each other is benign. Her naked body elicits no reaction whatsoever. He seems perfectly happy with the status quo, although he dislikes any brief moment of being confronted with her hurt. She exists in a private hell of rejection and wanting, but knowing that discussion is circular and promises are false. Over time, her grief and outrage over the lack of sex in her marriage morphs into repulsion and fury at the idea of him sexually touching her. If she ever mentions this during a fight, he may hold on to it as “evidence” that she doesn’t want him sexually touching her anyway – so it’s just as much her “fault.”
  • The ASD husband may fear that affection could lead to sex, so he takes great care to avoid offering more than a kiss on the forehead, or a small hug. He may do this when it’s impossible for sex to happen, such as in the morning when both partners are heading off to work. His initiation of affection may never go beyond holding hands or sitting next to each other on the couch, or a very occasional peck on her lips.
  • The autistic man may have a moralistic view of sex as being vulgar outside the function of procreation. He may use highly clinical terms when discussing sex, and be silent or put off if his wife broaches the topic of sex with any slang terms. He may also find sex to be germy, and will offer up facts about hygiene that impede sex as being “safe.” He might be quite tidy and fastidious about requirements prior to and after physical intimacy. Wives are expected to thoroughly shower before and after, lay on a towel during intercourse, ignore any desire for post-sex cuddling, and tolerate his leaping off of her body to immediately go cleanse himself of her.
  • Shaming and blaming of the neurotypical wife can occur in a Sexual Discard neurodiverse marriage. When confronted about the repeated avoidance and refusal to initiate despite promises otherwise, the ASD spouse may resist accountability and criticize his wife. If she was prettier, more put together at home, if she hadn’t gained weight during pregnancy, if her feminine body parts weren’t so off-putting, if she wasn’t so demanding in her desires, if she didn’t take so long to orgasm, if she cleaned the house better, if she stopped complaining about his behaviors, if she wasn’t so controlling and in charge – THEN he would want to have sex with her. The goalposts change frequently, but the intended takeaway is that sex with her is repulsive to him, and it’s entirely her fault.

The Sexual Discard dynamic can be related to Intimacy Anorexia (best described as an addiction to withholding), which will be discussed in a different post.

What does Sexual Obsession look like in a neurodiverse marriage?

  • When and ASD spouse presents as hypersexual, he very much enjoys the sensory experience of sex. He can be quite focused on quantity over quality. He is often single-minded in his expectation of sexual routines established, even as life becomes more complicated during the course of a marriage.
  • The neurotypical wife may notice that her autistic husband has minimal empathy for why she might be sexually unavailable to him. If she is sick, heavily pregnant, post-partum, dealing with health complications, overwhelmed by extra responsibilities, feeling emotionally disconnected – he may still view her reasons as an injustice toward him.
  • The hypersexual autistic man may have mood dysregulation that he claims is due to his unmet sexual needs. He may feel that his anger over lack of frequency justifies his outbursts or punishing behavior toward his wife.
  • Autistic men may view sex as transactional. Neurotypical wives may notice that he is “suddenly” helpful around the home, engaging in parenting, may stop his stonewalling or irritability, possibly offer an acknowledgement of his problematic behaviors. His expectation for sex in exchange for cooperation is not lost on his neurotypical wife, and if she resists completing the “transaction,” this results in angry, sullen behavior.
  • In similar transactional fashion, when neurotypical wife requests re-connection after a rupture – more specifically, an apology – she may be told that until his sexual needs are met, he will not consider any emotional engagement. He justifies this as “simply fair,” and might find it reasonable to say that he is unmotivated to give her what she needs emotionally, when his sexual needs are not fulfilled first.
  • Porn use may be less hidden in a Sexual Obsession dynamic. It can be more overt, with the intention of using it to punish the neurotypical wife for her inability to be sexually available at every interval of arousal.
  • Sexual input may serve as a sensory stim for an ASD husband. He finds it self-soothing to obtain sexual release, and his preference is sex with his wife, but he may compulsively masturbate and use porn, too.
  • Sex may be a special interest in a hypersexual autistic partner. He may devote himself to learning every technique, position and experience possible. He expects participation from his wife regardless of her own level of curiosity or interest.
  • Manipulation and threats can occur in a Sexual Obsession dynamic. Threats of using porn, seeking sex outside the marriage, pushing boundaries of interactions with other women, emotional affairs – all can be a form of threat or punishment to incite fear in the neurotypical wife, and coerce sexual availability.

The Role of Alexithymia & Mind-blindness in Marital Sexual Dysfunction

As discussed, alexithymia is a limitation of emotional awareness. A person with alexithymia struggles to verbalize emotional experience, has a more limited emotional language vocabulary, is challenged in pairing body sensations related to emotions, and deeply struggles to identify emotions in others. He does not have nuanced language for how he feels; therefore he cannot know how his wife feels, even when she verbalizes it with complex vocabulary.

Mind-blindness, otherwise referred to as “lacking theory of mind,” is related to alexithymia from a similarity standpoint. The autistic husband has difficulty imagining the perspective of his wife, and cannot intuit her thoughts, feelings, preferences or opinions. When combined with alexithymia, there is a deep deficit in all manner of correctly guessing and understanding his wife’s needs, emotions, feelings, desires, preferences, use of abstract language and non-verbal cues. Obviously, these difficulties extend into contributing toward sexual dysfunction and discord in a neurodiverse marriage.

Referencing the above scenarios of Sexual Discard & Sexual Obsession, how does Alexithymia and Mind-blindness manifest in physical intimacy problems?

Hyposexuality & Sexual Discard:

  • The ASD husband may miss cues from his wife that she desires sex. His mind-blindness fails to see that his wife still has sexual needs that did not disappear alongside his waning interest. Her hinting or attempts at seduction may go unnoticed or seem slightly puzzling.
  • He may never have experienced a longing for intimacy with anyone, despite previous enjoyment with his wife. Due to his alexithymia, her longing for sex with him is not an understood feeling or sensation.
  • Since sex is a physical act, the alexithymic partner may not understand the neurotypical wife’s expectation for emotional connection. He fails to recognize that a lack of caring words, eye contact, or checking-in with her verbally during sex is important.
  • An autistic husband without sexual experience may not realize his lack of skill. (He may have a poor innate sense of motor-planning – not uncommon with autism – hindering his coordination during intercourse.) With mind-blindness, he may not realize that his awkward movements aren’t pleasurable to his wife. He may have confusion and frustration as to why his efforts to help her orgasm aren’t successful. He may conclude (on his own) that she’s incapable, or even disinterested. His alexithymia does not understand all the nuances necessary for his wife to be comfortable enough to experience orgasm, and he may not understand that he is directly hindering her ability to do so.
  • Even if orgasm is important to him, the ASD husband may not prioritize it in the same way for his wife. He may view it as happenstance, or optional to put time and effort into cultivating. He cannot guess that her needs exist outside of his own, due to mind-blindness. Due to alexithymia, he may not recognize her desire and frustration at lack of sexual outlet.
  • Her responses are difficult to make sense of during sex. Not every woman wants to instruct a play-by-play of what does and doesn’t feel good. He might rely on guessing, and then feel very criticized if she doesn’t enjoy it. Porn exposure distorts his perception of reasonable expectations, and his own ability to orgasm may be quite straightforward. He’s unable to see that her experience is different, or read her non-verbal cues due to alexithymia.
  • If an autistic husband regularly struggles to maintain arousal or sexual interest, he may not realize it is humiliating for his wife. She may naturally wonder if it is an issue of her lacking desirability, and the autistic husband may reinforce her insecurity. Due to both mind-blindness and alexithymia, he does not sense her need for reassurance. He may consider her suggestion a feasible explanation, especially since he doesn’t want to be to blame.
  • He may fail to realize that his “honest to a fault” habit (in all areas of life, but especially with intimacy) is very impactful to his wife. If he comments on her body, especially very vulnerable parts of her, in ways that are received in a critical way – this can dramatically impact her sexual response and emotional wellness. His alexithymia creates difficulty in both understanding why she’s feeling hurt, alongside not grasping that a quick “sorry,” is not going to assuage insecurity at a deeper level.
  • Somatic symptoms are common when distress is happening internally for an autistic individual. He struggles to identify why his stomach hurts, or a headache always occurs when there is an expectation of sex. He genuinely feels sick, or tired, but alexithymia prevents making the correlation between anxiety, somatic symptoms and avoidance of sex. He insists that he is sick, not avoiding.
  • Due to alexithymia, the ASD husband may not recognize his true sexual orientation. It may not be until his wife suggests that his lack of physical desire is perhaps due to a non-heterosexual orientation, that he considers the possibility of asexuality or homosexuality.

Hypersexuality & Sexual Obsession:

  • The neurotypical wife’s need for pairing emotional connection and physical intimacy may be lost on an autistic husband. With mind-blindness, he struggles to understand why an emotional sense of safety is important for his wife. She may feel it is an act of self-betrayal to be physically intimate with her husband when he ignores her emotional needs. He does not require emotional connection prior to sex, so her request for it is easily dismissed since it isn’t his own perspective.
  • If porn is a habit or special interest, the ASD husband may believe it to be an accurate portrayal of female responsiveness and sexual desires of a neurotypical wife. He may expect that she respond instantaneously to a mere touch, or be theatrically passionate from the most minor effort on his part. He may be confused on how to initiate conversation about special sexual interests, and neglect the importance of consent before introducing atypical activities into the marriage bed. He may assume, due to mind-blindness, that she is equally experiencing sexual pleasure parallel to his own sensation.
  • When an autistic spouse is hypersexual and experiences arousal, his mind-blindness may prevent him from understanding that she is not similarly aroused. He may view his arousal as her job to relieve at every interval, especially if his definition of sexual partnership is especially literal. If she is feeling used, and describes this to him, it may not be a feeling he can access inside his own emotional experience due to alexithymia.
  • An ASD man may consider all affection to be a lead-in to sex. Hugs or kisses or touching have an expectation of intercourse immediately following. He is frustrated or confused when his wife asks for “just a hug.” His mind-blindness fails to see that she might be interested in cuddling without sex. He’s unable to understand that physical bonding that is emotionally important to his wife outside of the sexual act. For him, sex might be an event that begins and ends in specific fashion.
  • His mind-blindness may prevent any understanding of why sex is NOT transactional for his wife, and he may fail to see why renewing basic participation in family life does not “earn” him sex.
  • Groping without consent or in socially-inappropriate contexts is not uncommon. An ASD man may feel entitled to his wife’s body, and view it as touchable at all times and never off-limits. Due to mind-blindness, he may not notice her non-verbal cues of dislike or disgust. If she verbalizes how encroaching or disrespectful this feels, his alexithymia may limit his ability to perceive the depth of her reaction.
  • Porn is a self-focused withholding of intimacy in a sexless marriage, and an alexithymic ASD husband may dismiss the sense of betrayal a wife feels. The pervasive rejection and visceral reaction to discovering that he prefers to watch strangers, instead of experiencing connection with her, is powerfully devastating. His alexithymic response can add to her trauma. He may not acknowledge her distinction between not having sex, and not having sex because he sexually deprives her in favor of porn.

What feelings might the neurotypical wife experience in a sexually-disordered marriage, where she is either discarded and ignored, or used as a sex doll to fulfill one-sided expectations?

With sexual discard, she usually feels deprived beyond measure, emptied of value, devoid of desirability, and thwarted from accessing the sole outlet for a primary need. She feels cheated of satisfaction and affection. She grieves the loss of emotional intimacy paired with physical intimacy. She feels sentenced to a prison of no sex, or terrible sex, and of blame and shame. She feels powerless to stop the betrayal and sexual abandonment. She’s humiliated by the rejection, and carries it as a degrading secret. She feels victimized by his unilateral decision to exclude her from any hope of physical intimacy. She feels voiceless at the lack of conversation nor accountability for improving their physical intimacy. She’s terribly disappointed that sex requires so much ignoring of his awkwardness. She feels so defeated that he requires reminders and explicit instructions just for sex to happen, and even then he rarely follows through. She feels gutted at missing out on the shared joy of physically loving one another, as perhaps she now only associates fury, heartbreak or revulsion at the thought of sex with him.

With sexual obsession, the neurotypical wife feels oppressed by her husband’s sexual expectations. She feels an ever-present responsibility to either satisfy him, or face the pouting, anger or punishment. She may struggle to feel emotionally safe in her own bed, knowing the expectations that come along with laying next to him. She feels dread at being sick, knowing he will have very little accommodation for her limitations. Sometimes she feels like a sex worker. No care for her emotional needs, just for her body to be present and available. She feels ashamed when he oversteps social boundaries in public, touching her as if she’s an object instead of a person. She feels worried her kids will pick up his phone and see the texting between himself and a random girl wearing a bikini, on Instagram. She feels fear over anyone in the family using his computer, worried impressionable children might see pornographic images. She feels hypervigilant in wondering how much she should resist checking his phone, trying to balance not managing him, but wondering if she’s being betrayed. If he’s a serial cheater, she wonders if “trusting him again” may physically risk her body. She never feels safe or as if her personhood matters to him.

The unfortunate reaction to neurotypical women expressing her feelings and needs to an alexithymic, mind-blind ASD spouse is that she is often met with minimizing, dismissal, invalidation, denial, silence, or argument. His inclination may be to resist considering her perspective, since it differs from his own. However, alexithymia, mind-blindness and autism are not excuses for a neurotypical wife’s needs to remain unmet. If an autistic husband is informed of a need, then it is his personal responsibility to cooperatively problem-solve with his wife. Skills can be built when one is willing to learn, and the act of prioritizing each other’s feelings as real and worthy of attention is necessary for mutuality in marriage. Physical intimacy and emotional consideration are reasonable expectations of marital relationships.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

The Criminalization of Emotion in Neurodiverse Marriages

Alexithymia is a condition in which one struggles to identify and verbalize emotion. It is closely associated with autism, as approximately half of ASD individuals meet criteria for alexithymia. The absence of emotional awareness from an ASD husband is a significant issue within neurodiverse marriages, as the disparity between himself and his neurotypical wife is profoundly impactful to her.

Without alexithymia, neurotypicals can identify emotions instinctively. Emotion is seamlessly associated with sensation, feeling and context, allowing an intuitive recognition of our present state. It is emotional awareness that allows us to infer the feeling of fear from our racing heart, quickened breath and jittery body. Sorting through the vocabularly of fear, and assessing the level of distress is automated – we can correctly differentiate between the experience of apprehension, unease, insecurity, nervousness, terror, horror, etc. Possessing this cognizance of emotional complexity is what permits language and verbalization of our experience. Additionally, without alexithymia – we effortlessly distinguish between emotions that have similar sensations. It’s possible to feel jittery, with a racing heart and quickened breath, because we’re feeling excited, not fearful.

The NT tries desperately to convey emotional experience to her ASD husband, but it’s as if she’s running on a treadmill to nowhere.

The nuances of emotional language are intrinsic for a neurotypical wife, and much less so for an ASD spouse. When alexithymia is co-occurring with ASD, the autistic husband has significantly less ability to understand the emotional experience of his wife, versus when autism is solely present. He cannot theorize, nor take perspective of his wife’s emotional truth, since he is disconnected from recognition of emotion identification within himself. One cannot extrapolate feelings to someone else, when they are indistinguishable and wordless in oneself.

When a neurodiverse marriage becomes precarious, the neurotypical wife digs into her vivid vocabulary of emotional language to communicate her sense of deprivation. She endeavors to be very clear with her autistic husband, since connection is developed through mutual understanding. The neurotypical wife earnestly shares how ignored, isolated, discarded, devalued, unseen, and misunderstood she feels. She cries to him – sobbing, pleading, begging, yelling. She uses metaphors to help him understand. No matter how vastly illustrative she is in sharing her emotional experience, it is often met with a disengaged or negative reaction.

The following are some emotional metaphors that neurotypical wives have described to me in coaching, desperately shared with their husbands in hopes of convincing him how much suffering she’s experiencing:

“I’m emotionally hemmoraghing on the floor, and he is just standing there, watching me bleed out.”

“I’m in a perpetual state of drowning. I have no ability to breathe, or swim, or draw air, or hope to rescue myself. I’m just suffocating, and waving my hands in desperation, while he’s completely oblivious.”

“I’m completely censored in this marriage. It’s as if he’s put tape over my mouth, every day of our marriage, for the last ten years. He doesn’t allow me to speak!”

“He abandoned me on a deserted island long ago, but doesn’t understand why I feel lonely. He thinks watching tv together every night means loneliness is impossible.”

“I’m basically a prisoner. He won’t agree to separate or divorce, but he won’t do the things I ask of him to improve the marriage, either.”

“I feel enslaved. I’m his mother, maid, nanny and personal assistant. Not his wife. He also acts like he can fire me at any moment, which amounts to cutting me off financially.”

“I feel so afraid to stay in this marriage. But it’s like being strapped down to a gurney, my arms and legs are unable to move. I want to leave, but I feel so powerless.”

“I feel like I’m DYING of thirst in our relationship, and he’s angry at me for even wanting a sip of water.”

Most neurotypical individuals, without alexithymia, would hear these descriptions of emotional anguish, and be able to immediately connect with the despair behind the metaphors. If attuned and good-hearted, they would respond with tenderness, empathy, concern, and likely a commitment toward problem-solving.

For an ASD husband with alexithymia, the above descriptions might likely elicit disengagement, dismissal, offense or anger. It isn’t uncommon to receive a blank stare as a response, or a text that just says, “ok.” He may interpret her emotional language as criticism and blame. He may reference her feelings or language as “negativity.” He may view her words and feelings as an attack, or say things like, “you always try to make me feel bad,” or “you’re just trying to ruin our day.” It is common with both autism and alexithymia to have difficulty reading facial expression and voice tone, so there can also be a belief that her emotional sharing is fueled only by anger. Not only does he miss the nuanced feelings of her emotions being reported, but the emotional experience she is undergoing while communicating with him. He sees only anger, when perhaps she is grief-stricken and driven by hopelessness.

Abstract language is difficult for concrete thinkers, and autistic men struggle more so than autistic women in this area (who are often quite gifted with language). Emotional metaphors usually fail to achieve a desired result, as it’s a combination of emotional language, extrapolation of emotional experience, plus a context that is not literally true from his perspective.

Complex emotional language is guesswork, even with a lot of effort, for those with alexithymia.

Alexithymia can exist at low, moderate or high levels of impairment. Ask an alexithymic ASD man what it feels like to be angry, which might be his most recognized emotion, and he’s quite clear. He likely has adjectives that can be verbalized in that regard. He may also use words like criticized and blamed, as that has been a lifetime experience for him in a variety of settings. He may use descriptors like “good,” or “fine,” as emotion labeling, or baseline words such as happy, mad, or sad. But ask an ASD man to truly consider if he’s been despondent, shattered, desolate, inconsolable, heartsick? He’s brilliant, and knows descriptive words by definition – but he does not intuitively pair nuanced emotion labels during his felt experience. His neurotypical wife uses strikingly expressive vocabulary to articulate her feelings, in an effort to be understood – often with neither partner realizing that it is met with incomprehension.

Over time, his seemingly absent response to her emotional requests elicit anger and contempt in the neurotypical wife. She needs tenderness, nurturing and validation. She wants a solution to their disconnection. She instead receives disinterested, angry, offended, hurt or dismissive reactions. The NT wife is frantic about the circumstances in her marriage, and yet cannot convey how crucial it is for him to understand, or even believe, that her deprivation is real.

Perhaps early on, the ASD husband expressed remorse, and made promises to do “better.” And despite good intent, it was not something he could self-direct, and resentment at her instructions set in. Relatively quickly, the status quo would return. Whenever he believes she is very close to leaving, he likely acknowledges her misery. Again, the effort to attune is short-lived. She grieves that he seems to require her emotional death before responding to her distress.

Over the course of endless circular conversations, the criminalization of emotion begins to develop. Her words have zero impact, as he’s heard them relentlessly, and he finds them more and more hyperbolic. Nobody is bleeding on the floor, nobody is in a jail cell, and nobody is strapped down against their will. This sounds like imagined nonsense to him. He starts to view her emotions as the crux of their marital conflict. If she wasn’t so dramatic, or if she wasn’t so unstable, or if she wasn’t so crazy – then there wouldn’t be a problem. He’s not the one quoting a thesaurus of emotional injury, so the problem must be her and her excessive feelings. Her sobbing and anger also adds to his perception of her emotionalism being out of control. He doesn’t experience emotions to this depth whatsoever – certainly there must be something wildly unbalanced in his wife.

When emotion is viewed as the source of all conflict in the marriage, it also impacts the alexithymic ASD husband from wanting to further build his emotional language vocabularly. Emotion becomes even less valuable, and much more dangerous -criminal – when he perceives it as being the source of attack against him. A primary argument between the neurodiverse couple often becomes that she is a histrionic, demanding, controlling lunatic, and he’s a cold, cruel, robot of indifference. Both believe the other to have malicious intent.

The deadlock over emotional misunderstanding in their intimate relationship may trickle down to other areas of their partnership. With his black and white thinking, he concludes that her perception is awry in all matters that elicit feelings for her. She may express feelings about family or household obligations that he fails to complete, expressing how frustrating and even how betraying it feels, when she can’t rely on his promises to do a specific responsibility. He interprets this as just more hyper-emotional criticism that is once again a means to blugeon or control him. He may believe himself to be abused by her emotional disclosures. With her needs demonized, the neurotypical wife feels more and more defeated as her marriage continues.

When emotion has become criminalized in a neurodiverse marriage, communication and cooperation is often at a standstill. For the neurotypical wife, it begins to feel that she is chasing after his understanding, on a treadmill – going nowhere.

(Good news: alexithymia can be improved with dedication, curiosity and willingness.)

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The Missed Experiences of Cassandra’s Life

Trauma events, while painful to discuss, can be articulated to empathic listeners. It’s possible to describe what happened to us with great detail, including the distress we experienced during and after the event. But what happens when we are traumatized by non-events? Just as neglect is difficult to characterize, so too is the absence of what we hoped for, dreamed of and believed would happen to us. The neurotypical wife struggles to name the trauma of what hasn’t occurred in her life – the sense of exclusion from joy, connection and safety that is chronically missing in her marriage.

Sometimes the harm of what hasn’t happened in a neurotypical wif’es marriage is equally, or more, traumatic than painful events.

Below are some examples of what a neurotypical wife may suffer as deprivational trauma of a lost, missed, botched or omitted experience in her life that is reasonably expected to occur in a marriage. Over the course of time, inadequate quantity of bonding moments establishes a sense of perpetual longing. Anger accompanies the hurt and regret, as the neurotypical wife exists with the bitter knowledge that many experiences cannot be retreived or saved. Her loss cannot be rescued from the past with a do-over.

A neurotypical wife has a fundamental need for empathy and compassion, which is gained through sharing of her thoughts with words. But when she lacks the words to convey her anguish at what hasn’t happened, it is very distressing. She is already dismissed by others when she tries to recount actual incidents in her marriage. If she’s able to convey to any degree what she has missed out on in her marital life, it can be minimized as petty, small, ungrateful, bitter, envious, resentful. Many do not understand that most neurotypical wives have not just missed out on just one, or a mere handful of events – she has lived without a majority of the following positive, routine occurrences and milestones in life. She has been destitute of joy, connection, tenderness, mutuality, and happy memories of shared experience with her husband.

Common Non-Existent Events in the Life of a Neurotypical Wife (married to an ASD man):

  • The specialness of a memorable proposal or wedding night
  • A husband who desires sexual intimacy with her regularly
  • A responsive, caring, generous and intuitive lover
  • Regular date nights and romance initiated by her spouse
  • A marital bedroom and shared sleeping space with her husband
  • A peaceful pregnancy and supportive partner during childbirth
  • Practical help and emotional support during post-partum
  • Shared joy of delighting in children together
  • Equal partnership in parenting
  • Teamwork in managing the neurodiversity of their children
  • Respect and admiration for her contributions to the family
  • A division of labor within the household
  • A distribution of responsibility for the marriage and family
  • Receiving care for herself during illness or injury
  • Apologies freely given and received
  • Holidays routinely celebrated happily
  • Seasonal fun
  • Thoughtful gift-giving from him
  • Her birthday remembered
  • Wedding anniversaries treated as a special occasion
  • Mother’s Day honored even though she isn’t his mom
  • Quality family time prioritized
  • Family vacations and couple trips
  • Weekends spent together
  • Travel in retirement
  • Shared money and marital resources
  • Truth-telling and transparency
  • Conversation that isn’t only informational
  • Daily physical affection
  • Evenings spent together
  • Conflict that is low to moderate in level and duration
  • Shared interests enjoyed together regularly
  • Compromise in difficult moments
  • Safety to communicate and be heard
  • Empathic concern and sincere mutual interest
  • Cooperation, agreeability and problem-solving
  • A husband who prioritizes her needs equally to his own
  • A spouse who remembers her likes and dislikes
  • A partner who dependably keeps his promises
  • Friendships with other couples
  • Socializing together in groups
  • Family parties, reunions and events
  • Inviting company to the home regularly
  • A best friend and companion for life

Sometimes the most traumatic, disappointing and heartbreaking non-event in her marriage is not even the cumulative effect of missing fulfilling experiences. It’s the lack of improvement in her marriage, despite the begging, pleading, researching, explaining and seeking of help. Her hope for future joyful events, experiences and milestones is stolen from her when a partner deliberately stonewalls any change.

If a neurotypical wife also had a childhood of neglect with a lack of attuned caregivers, unmet needs and invisibility to her family of origin – she may realize that perhaps her life story is one with many missing events and experiences. Perhaps her trauma is largely associated not just from what has happened to her in life, but all the countless moments of joy, celebration, togetherness, nurturing, caregiving, bonding, security, and valuation that were nowhere to be found amongst the relationships with those she loved.

Perhaps she has been a Cassandra for the entirety of her life.

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The Extended Family System of a Neurodiverse Marriage

Partners in a neurodiverse marriage often have families of origin with various complexities, many of which may impact the marital life in significant ways. For neurotypical wives, the most difficult aspect is the lack of support from extended family members. When families of origin aren’t burdened by pervasive mental health disorders, addictions, generational trauma, neurodiversity limitations, or personality shortcomings – they are often able to serve as a buttress of support for married couples. Unfortunately, that is rarely the case in neurodiverse pairings. It lends to even more isolation for the NT wife, as she often does not have reliable parents, adult siblings, nor in-laws, to call upon for healthy support. Some extended family members may directly contribute to discord with the marriage, and intentionally (or not) enact emotional harm to both partners.

The neurotypical wife often feels alone within her marriage, and an absence of safe or healthy extended family.

Who are the extended family members commonly found amongst the family tree of a neurotypical wife and ASD husband?

The Undiagnosed ASD Parent or Adult Siblings

The Bipolar, ADHD, OCD Parent or Adult Siblings

The Neurotypical Parent or Adult Siblings

The Mentally Ill Parent or Adult Siblings

The Alcoholic or Addict Parent or Adult Siblings

The Personality-Disordered Parent or Adult Siblings

The Absent Parent (Abandonment or Death)

The Profoundly Neglectful or Verbally, Emotionally & Physically Abusive Parent

The Sexually Abusive Parent, Sibling, Grandparent, Aunt/Uncle or Cousin

Here is a look at a few roles within the extended family system, and how they impact the neurodiverse marriage – and in particular, the neurotypical wife’s life.

The Undiagnosed ASD Mother (of the ASD partner)

  • The undiagnosed ASD mother-in-law (MIL) may view the NT wife as an interloper. Frequently, an ASD MIL is very enmeshed with her ASD son. If his parents had a difficult marriage, he may have served as a surrogate spouse for his ASD mother. She may expect that same level of involvement to continue after her son’s marriage. If a NT wife asserts herself as the priority, this could lead to inappropriate anger and jealousy from the ASD MIL. The ASD son may lack the social-emotional insight to understand where his loyalty should be (with his wife). With the ASD mother’s black and white thinking, she may view the NT wife as “all bad,” due to her feelings of exclusion, since a grey area isn’t accessible for her perspective.
  • Over time, as disillusionment in the neurodiverse marriage grows, the ASD husband may turn to his ASD mother for comfort and refuge. She affirms him in his negative thinking about the NT wife. The ASD husband may over-confide in his mother, leading to feelings of terrible betrayal in the NT wife. The ASD MIL struggles with perspective taking, so she is unable to imagine where the NT wife’s behavior is coming from. (The ASD mother may also may take her son’s perspective as absolute truth.) She may attribute negative intent from the daughter-in-law (DIL) toward her son, reinforcing his perception that his NT wife is an adversary.
  • The ASD MIL may not understand typical boundaries in the marriage of adult children. She may be intrusive, show up unnanounced, criticize the manner in which a NT wife runs her home, and not hesitate to share blunt observations that alienate the NT wife. She may have rigid or inflexible ideas about child-rearing. She may impose her standards or expectations, and believe herself to be very heplful – and that her DIL is simply ungrateful.
  • The ASD MIL may have profound emotional regulation difficulties. Her ASD son may recall being raised with frequent outburts (meltdowns), lots of screaming and crying (due to overwhelm ), harshness (due to her irritability, lack of coping skills and mind-blindness), excessive control (due to her rigid and inflexible thinking). frequent withdrawal (shutdowns), and sometimes neglect (left to his own devices because she was too overwhelmed to supervise). The neurotypical wife may have fear in leaving her children with the ASD MIL, because she’s heard the stories of how dysregulated some of her behavior was during the childhood of her husband. She may also have witnessed outbursts from her MIL firsthand, and feel very cautious about trusting her on that basis alone. This furthers the perception that the NT wife is unreasonable, divisive, and an enemy of the in-laws.

The Neurotypical Mother (of the ASD partner)

  • A neurotypical mother-in-law can be a rare gem in the life of a neurotypical wife. MIL may have been married to an ASD man for the majority of her life, and recognizes the unique challenges that her Neurotypical DIL is facing.
  • Sometimes, a NT MIL is so wounded by her own neurodiverse marriage, that observing the dynamic between her son and daughter-in-law is quite painful and she withdraws.
  • Unfortunately, a neurotypical MIL can also be enmeshed with her ASD son, possibly due to the emotional deprivation she experienced in her own neurodiverse marriage. She found solace in her children, and her ASD son was open to her care-taking long after most neurotypical children will accept it. This can make her defensive and protective of her ASD son, villainizing her NT DIL.

The Obessive Compulsive Personality Disordered Father (of the ASD partner)

  • OCPD individuals are exacting, critical, precise, rigid, inflexible, hyper-controlling, perfectionistic, fixated on task completion, miserly to an exceptional degree, and workaholics. Their perfectionistic tendencies lend to an inherent mistrust in others’ capabilities. They are withholders of information, money, approval and cooperation. Many characteristics overlap with ASD, and the two disorders can co-exist.
  • The OCPD father-in-law (FIL) may encourage his ASD son to be withholding of financial reciprocity in the marriage. FIL is exceptionally pre-occupied with money, and he may reinforce the idea to his son that his NT wife should be treated as an adversary. The ASD husband may have seen a financially withholding dynamic in his parents’ marriage, and find this to be normal and necessary.
  • The OCPD FIL may have disdain or contempt for his daughter-in-law. He may find her household management to be lacking. He may be a score-keeper who notices each time she fails to thank him excessively for any gesture (especially financial in nature, like paying for dinner), and hold this against her.
  • He’s likely uninvested in his grandchildren beyond a surface level, and may have some unfiltered disdain for diagnoses (since he views them as an indication of lacking perfection). He was likely a very punishing father, and criticizes the behavior of neurodiverse children, blaming poor parenting from his DIL.
  • The OCPD individual is an expert at stonewalling. The ASD son saw this demonstrated in his parents’ marriage over and over again.

The Narcissistic, Histrionic or Borderline Mother (of the NT wife)

  • Many neurotypical women who marry ASD men have a mother whose behavior would fall into the Cluster B personality type (narcissistic, histrionic, or borderline). The narcissistic mother is critical, highly self-focused, theatrical, entitled, demanding, dismissive, invalidating, manipulative, emotionally dysregulated, catastrophic, grandiose, unable to admit fault, incapable of apologizing, and lacks empathy. She is highly controlling by nature. Similarly to the black and white thinking of ASD, her mother may split others (including her daughter) into “all good” or “all bad.”
  • The neurotypical wife often grew up as the target of her mother’s covert abuse and control. She may have been the scapegoat in her family of origin, and at the very least treated as an extension of her mother (i.e. unable to voice or have individual feelings). The NT wife learned that she must suppress her sense of self in order to maintain any sense of connection, approval or love from her mother. She was often put in the caretaking role of her mother’s feelings. Her mother may have found fault with her daughter in a number of areas, criticizing her appearance, choices, and judgment.
  • The NT wife likely has a brother or sister treated as the golden child. While the ASD son-in-law is not always the narcissistic mother’s ‘new’ golden child, the narcissistic mother elevates him in comparison to her daughter. The narcissistic mother perceives her ASD son-in-law at face value – hard-working, successful, high-earning – and invalidates her daughter’s emotional experience of deprivation. In the narcissistic mother’s world, image is much more important than depth. Conversely, if the narcissistic mother is ever publicly embarrassed by her ASD son-in-law’s social deficits, she may switch her opinion, denigrate the ASD partner, and shame her daughter for marrying someone so highly incompetent.
  • Quite frequently, a NT wife has gone no contact or very low contact with her narcissistic mother. This is a major source of grief and sorrow for the NT wife, as she deeply wishes for a maternal figure to confide in due to a difficult marriage. She often has endured decades of failed attempts to connect with her mother, and finally cuts contact out of self-preservation. Her mother either discards her entirely, or periodically reaches out with martyrdom and/or gaslighting.
  • The narcissistic mother is often obsessed with her grandchildren, though ashamed of their neurodiversity (or uses it as a means of attention from others), and feels highly entitled to time with them. She devalues and demeans her daughter, but expects to still have access to grandchildren.
  • In cases of divorce, the narcissistic mother may triangulate with the ASD son-in-law. She enjoys creating an allyship against her daughter, further isolating her from emotional support, also knowing that it’s a deep betrayal. The ASD husband often lacks the insight to understand the hidden agenda of his MIL – he views her reaching out to him as evidence of how slighted he is by his former wife. He happily provides her with information, betrays his ex-wife’s privacy, and facilitates a relationship with grandchildren (despite his ex-wife’s preferences).

The Undiagnosed Autistic Father (of the NT wife)

  • Some NT women discover long after marriage to their ASD partner (and the journey to his diagnosis) that they likely grew up with a parent on the spectrum.
  • The ASD father may have limited or surface interest in his grandchildren, creating a trigger of grief for the NT wife as she recalls her childhood and feeling largely invisible to her father. His disinterest toward her felt rejecting.
  • If the NT wife confides in her parents about the possibility of divorce, her ASD father may discourage or shame her for even considering it. Like many ASD partners, he believes marriage is forever and should never be disrupted for any reason – and certainly not for emotional deprivation, a concept he is unable to grasp nor value. He may have a strong Christian mindset that informs his view.
  • The ASD father might be financially controlling, and normalized this behavior in the NT wife’s childhood. He may even encourage his ASD son-in-law in withholding money from his adult daughter, or other problematic behaviors toward her. He may naturally align with the ASD son-in-law, feeling a kinship ‘against’ women. He has a black and white perception of marital roles, often leaning to traditional paradigms. If his daughter is career-driven, he may blame her for not having decided to be a stay at home mother, extrapolating that she neglected her husband or children and created the resulting discord.
  • The NT wife may have had an exceptional amount of conflict with her father while growing up. He did not have theory of mind for his children, and perhaps he found them sensorily overwhelming, uncooperative to his agenda, and difficult to control (which he considered a reasonable goal). He maintains this sense of disapproval for her in adulthood.
  • She may have witnessed a childhood full of meltdowns or silence between her parents. Her father may have lived in the basement, or a separate bedroom, and rarely spoken to her mother. The NT wife thought she was marrying a man quite different from her father, not realizing his attention to her was due to being the short-term special interest. Her husband retreating from her is quite reminiscient of her parents’ marriage.

The Sexually Abusive Family Member (of the NT wife)

  • The NT wife may have been a victim of incest in her childhood. Her symptoms of abuse were undetected or ignored by her caregivers. If she disclosed the abuse to protect herself – they perhaps failed to intervene, or dismissed it as untruth. If they are made aware in her adulthood, her family may react even more forcefully with the assertion of dishonesty. Her trauma is dismissed.
  • Even if the childhood abuse is known, the perpetrator is often still treated as a valued family member by her parents or adult siblings, especially if one of them was the abuser. Her family invalidates her experience, minimizes her pain, and even villainizes her attempts at boundaries. They may insist on inviting the family member to all activities, expecting the adult NT wife to ignore her discomfort, jeopardize her own children and dismiss it as “being in the past.” She is devalued by her family, placing the importance on protecting the perpetrator.
  • The family may ostracize the NT wife (instead of the sexually abusive family member). Her truth-telling is threatening, and requires personal responsibilty from others, which is outside the realm of their emotional maturity. She is abandoned, blamed and discarded by her family, or forced to self-betray in order to maintain a connection.

The Alcoholic Father (of the NT wife)

  • The NT wife may have felt invisible to her addict father growing up, and may have also felt responsible for keeping his addiction and related behaviors a secret. In her marriage, she may also keep her ASD husband’s problematic behaviors a secret, since this is an expectation (and shame) ingrained within her.
  • Addicts are often expert at ‘breadcrumbing.’ They disperse intermittent attention when briefly sober, showering a child or wife with love, then abruptly losing interest when focus returns to substance abuse. This can feel similar to the changing moods of her ASD husband toward her.
  • The NT wife may have felt protective of her alcoholic father as a child, if he was an especially sloppy or chaotic man when drunk. Passing out after drinking can look similarly to an autistic shutdown, even though it is not the same. The excessive sleeping of her ASD husband may also be triggering, due to her father having been a passed-out alcoholic on a frequent basis.
  • Alcoholic rage is common. The NT wife may conditioned to meltdown behavior, with significant exposure to her father’s fury as a child. She dreads the behavior in her husband, even though it is different in origin.
  • Some ASD individuals are prone to addiction. Her ASD spouse may bond with her alcoholic father and the two may drink together, creating a double sense of abandonment in the NT wife.
  • The addict father can also be an absent parent. A disappearing parent (through death, addiction or abandonment) creates sense of longing that is normalized within the NT wife as a child. She experiences this same longing in her neurodiverse marriage when her husband is neglecting her for a special interest, stonewalling, shutdown, or shutting her out.

As we see, the neurodiverse couple is surround by dysfunctional and disordered family members who are entirely self-focused, emotionally unavailable, actively harmful and add to the sense of deprivation that the NT wife experiences in her marriage. We recognize how the neurotypical wife was formed by caregivers, and difficult circumstances, that increased her vulnerability to choosing a partner with poor emotional reciprocity skills. We see that she has likely experienced a lifetime of emotional deprivation, and the continuation of it within marriage is terribly painful – but not the original wound. Her grief and trauma is exacerbated by the ASD masking in the early years of her relationship. The neurotypical wife thought she was escaping the invisibility of her childhood, only to realize “too late” (after a lifetime commitment) that being truly seen by her husband was just an illusion. We see that the behaviors of her caregivers and family members from childhood are actually similar to the problematic ASD behaviors of her husband, but they are simply different in origin. Her ASD husband has neurological limitations that result in relational deprivation for her. The NT wife’s family members have character and personality shortcomings, or mental health and addiction struggles, that lend to relational deprivation, too. It all feels the same way, despite the differing genesis. The ASD husband’s behaviors build upon and exacerbate her childhood trauma, though he is not the first nor original source.

Since the neurotypical wife is faced with a family system incapable of support, she has very few personal resources in the way of help. This contributes to her pervasive feeling of isolation. There is often zero safety net if she were to consider leaving her marriage. Since children may wholly lack healthy grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins, the absence of family community is significant, since neurodiversity inhibits friendships formed at school. The neurotypical wife spends much of her marriage, and mothering, feeling like an island unto herself. She may experience the full force of a high-conflict and emotionally deprivational marriage, a spouse that treats her as an adversary, parents who perpetrate harm even into adulthood, children with a variety of special needs, and the sole responsibility for the day to day management of keeping the home and family afloat. The cumulative effect of her trauma and emotional + relational deprivation extends into all areas of life, feeling enormously overwhelming and inescapable.

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The Authoritarian Father & Stupid Child in a ND marriage

In some neurodiverse marriages, a father-daughter dynamic develops early on in the relationship. The ASD partner appoints himself as the authority figure, devolving over time into micromanaging his wife.

It’s important to note that this type of parental interplay is highly different from the mother-son dynamic in ND marriages.

The neurotypical wife finds herself feeling imprisoned by her ASD husband’s efforts to parent her into compliance.

What factors contribute to the father-daughter construct within a ND marriage?

  • The initial and mutual perception of his wisdom

ASD men are often brilliant, logical, analytical thinkers. Their gifts and talents serve them well in professions such as a science, technology, software, engineering, medicine, finance, business, military, law, academia, mechanics, etc. Autistic men often pursue careers that are related to their special interests, which creates a relentless work ethic and a level of expertise often unmatched by their colleagues. Unlike their growing up years with limited social success, professional life is sometimes the first place that an autistic individual feels accepted for his strengths. Often, the ASD man is openly admired in his career, with peers recognizing his contributions and achievements, and it feels very validating to him. The ASD man’s intellectual strength is an aspect about himself that he implicitly trusts. A lifetime’s worth of unswerving confidence in his mental acuity, alongside the workplace admiration, can develop a sense of superior judgment within himself.

(Note: While there are ASD men who struggle with employment due to poor executive functioning and/or co-occurring mental health issues, a large percentage of men with Asperger’s Syndrome are successful and confident in their professional life.)

From an early stage in the relationship, neurotypical women admire the ASD boyfriend’s professional success and aptitude. She feels trusting of the confident strength projected from his unwavering decisiveness. When it comes to decision-making for the marriage or relationship in specific areas (like finances), he speaks with an absolutism that conveys his utter certainty of the path forward. His style is different from hers, as she is much more likely to seek out input from other sources while thoughtfully formulating an opinion or preference. He seems to know exactly what he wants – without deliberation, consultation or discussion. The wife may not share his self-assuredness. She may hesitate to disrupt his assumption of being the primary and wisest decision maker.

  • The NT wife’s preference for marital harmony

The neurotypical wife usually notices that her ASD husband feels very, very strongly about his opinions. She may sense an impatience from him to “hurry up” and agree with his plan, or even an unspoken disposition from him that discussion is not welcomed. She may very well have ideas that she would like for him to consider more carefully, but her priority is connection with him. She values their unity much more so than she values pushing her own preferences (and creating conflict), so she is flexible with acquiescing to her husband’s inclinations. He begins to expect her full and total cooperation, reacting in ways that withdraw his love and approval when she voices feedback he doesn’t like. This is painful to her, and she doubles her effort to preserve their mutual agreeability – especially in the earlier stages of the marriage. She might also be in the midst of discardment as the special interest, so she is also very vulnerable to trying to please him.

  • The NT wife’s conditioning from childhood

The neurotypical wife likely has extensive familiarity with suppression of her personhood. She was possibly taught in childhood that differentiating is selfish, but ignoring herself is an act of love. Perhaps her caregivers were under-protective or over-protective. Her caregivers possibly withheld love, approval or nurturing if she expressed needs, so she quickly learned to mute herself, and defer to others. She may also have experienced a chronic lack of safety due to abuse, neglect, trauma or chaos. Without any refuge or context as a child, she developed a misplaced sense of having failed to keep herself safe. As an adult, she doubts her capability to make wise decisions, due to an underlying lack of trust in herself. Her husband reinforces this poor self-concept with his determination to parent instead of partner with her.

  • The ASD husband’s black and white thinking

Autism is prone to rigid beliefs and inflexible thinking. When the ASD man forms a perspective or opinion, he also develops an implicit trust of the inherent ‘rightness’ of his judgment. If an alternative viewpoint is presented to him, the difficulty of accepting a grey area usually surfaces. Additionally, he’s unable to find context, or theory of mind, for a perspective that isn’t his own. A viewpoint is either right, or wrong. An opinion is either valid, or not valid. A feeling is either justified, or not justified. A decision is either correct, or incorrect. For him to see another perspective, he would naturally conclude (with his black and white thinking) that his own perspective is wrong – which is very distressing for him. It isn’t just his perspective that would be labeled as wrong – he merges himself with his opinion and finds the rejection of it (and himself) to be intolerable.

Additionally, ASD men are often very literal in their use of words. Semantics are a common source of discord and derision. Language has many nuances, but ASD men prefer exactitudes. When a wife paraphrases, recounts conversation and attributes synonyms to the speaker, he is compelled to correct her. When he asks questions, he wants answers conveyed with precision. He takes an attitude of correcting her frequently during conversation, and especially in the midst of conflict – with the assumption that it’s his job to instruct her.

  • The ASD husband valuing logical intelligence over emotional intelligence

The ASD husband considers his (visual-spatial and logical-mathematical) intellect as being far more valuable and desirable than any interpersonal (or intrapersonal) skillset. He believes his analytical manner of thinking provides an indisputable form of reliable intellect. He is factual and informational. Facts are right or wrong. Truth is objective. The social-emotional intelligence of his wife is far more subjective in his estimation. While she may be academically successful, equally accomplished in career, considered brilliant by peers in a competitive field – he views her social-emotional intelligence as a limitation, especially in their relationship. His perception is that her emotionalism clouds her judgment, rendering her mental intellect deficient.

He struggles to compartmentalize their marital discord in regard to her experience of emotional deprivation. When she is dysregulated during high conflict – emotional outburts with crying, begging, pleading, yelling, insisting – he generalizes a perception that she is irrational both in the moment, and in ALL areas of life. Her judgment can’t be trusted. He privately thinks that she, perhaps, is not as mentally ‘smart’ as she appears to others. He considers her perception of events and intention on his part to be wholly inaccurate most of the time, which reinforces his belief that she has an inferior reasoning ability. He concludes that she is not trustworthy to have input on decisions that impact him or his desired outcomes.

Since he struggles with introspection, the ASD husband does not view his own meltdowns or shutdowns as indicative of any intellectual lack – he is able to compartmentalize his own behaviors as being situationally specific. He trusts that his perceptions are accurate and his reaction (meltdown, shutdown, shut-out) is understandable.

  • The ASD partner’s need for control to self-soothe

Anxiety is a contributor to the authoritarian ASD husband’s desire to appoint himself as the primary force within the marriage and family. He feels very uncomfortable with decision-making being a collaborative process. Risking an outcome that differs from his preference feels threatening. He may not identify, recognize or define his anxiety due to alexithymia. Anxiety may be so ever-present that it is normalized for him as a baseline part of functioning. He is propelled by an urgency to eliminate any menace to his preference, and thereby relieve his anxiety through controlling behavior.

Exerting control to excessive levels is a means for the ASD partner to guard his sense of safety. Marriage to a spouse whom he struggles to comprehend is a source of constant disquiet. Compromise is threatening to him, as it may thwart his access to preferences, disrupt his agenda, or provoke uncomfortable change that will heighten his anxiety. When he can influence his wife through parental-type authority and exertion of control – then he can better predict outcomes. This reinforces his sense of competency, promotes confidence in his logical extrapolations, and thereby reduces his anxiety. Controlling her is soothing to him.

  • Potentially a traditional or religious worldview of marriage

Some neurodiverse marriages have a construct of traditional roles. The wife is considered the caretaker of the home and children, while the husband is the primary breadwinner. Because he is very black and white in his understanding of roles, he may view himself as a husband or father within the sole context of providership. He may interpret his paycheck literally, believing that his earnings belong solely to him. By extension, money should be accessed and distrubted according to his exclusive judgment. He may develop an extreme attachment to safeguarding money, especially as he struggles with theory of mind to understand expenditures for his wife or children that he doesn’t value. Confusingly, he may have a strong ideal to maintain his wife’s role at home, but he also may resent and denigrate it by treating her as less than his equal.

If the partners in a neurodiverse marriage adhere to a religion, such as Christianity, the ASD partner may take his headship role to a black and white extreme. The neurotypical wife’s faith ideals becomes a vulnerability that can be exploited by her husband, used as a means in which to maintain control. He may reference his spiritual authority in ways that are far outside reasonable expectation. When she voices her opinion, asks for him to meet a need, communicates a preference – he uses his headship as a means to exert compliance and shut down conversation. He may conveniently forgo reflection about Ephesians 5:25, choosing to not offer personal sacrifice in the manner he is specifically instructed to do. His focus is on parentally monitoring and chastising his wife’s level of submission, holding her to a standard of his own estimation.

In what ways does the autistic husband assert himself as a parental figure toward his neurotypical wife in the marriage?

  • Expecting her to ask and obtain permission before spending money, socializing, minor home repairs, acquiring help, scheduling activites, self-development, etc
  • Monitoring her spending and possibly requiring receipts for all purchases
  • Asking obsessive questions about every minor cash withdrawal or expense
  • Excluding her from financial decisions, investments and accounts
  • Not consulting her before quitting or taking a job
  • Making major purchases (like a car) without any conversation
  • Removing or limiting her access to financial information
  • Confiscating debit or credit cards without consent
  • Appointing himself the gatekeeper of all non-essential spending
  • Requiring her to convince him as to why ‘frivolous’ spending on vacations or date nights should be prioritized
  • Criticizing or shaming her for personal purchases, like new clothing
  • Correcting her manner of speech, word choice, summary of events
  • Scolding her on what he insists are factual inaccuracies from her
  • Accusing her of disrespect over a difference of opinion
  • Intruding upon her job or career and offering unsolicited input or criticism
  • Imposing his standards for household chores (though not participating in them)
  • Creating rules that he expects to be followed by her, but not by him
  • Inspecting for infractions to his rules
  • Instructing her on the ‘right’ way to do various tasks
  • Withholding ‘privileges,’ like marital intimacy or breaking marital agreements
  • Escalating to avoid discussion when she asserts herself
  • Instilling fear of retribution for ‘disobedience’
  • Punishing her through his behavior
  • Humiliating her in front of family with intentional disclosure of her ‘misbehavior’
  • Threatening to confiscate access (to car keys, money, information, etc.)
  • Pendantic questions that have no satisfactory answer
  • Nitpicking her choices
  • Insinuating she’s stupid or untrustworthy when any mistake is discovered
  • Investigating her personal belongings (reading journals, going through her desk, purse, computer, or phone without discussion)
  • Surveilling her whereabouts at all times, through an app or camera system
  • Examining her phone records or social media without cause
  • Weaponizing spiritual or religious beliefs
  • Seeking out a perceived higher authority (priest, pastor, parents ) to admonish her
  • Imposing one-sided moral or legalistic standards upon her behavior
  • Reprimanding any deviation from his instructions
  • Hovering over her to assure compliance to his directions
  • Withholding important disclosures under the guise of protecting her from having an emotional reaction

What is the effect on the neurotypical wife when her husband treats her as a stupid child that needs to be monitored, instructed and controlled?

Unlike the mother-son dynamic, which is often quite comfortable for the ASD partner with one-sided benefits, the neurotypical wife feels deeply oppressed over time. The dynamic begins as an investment in her relationship and trusting her spouse’s good intentions. It culminates in her world at home becoming a correctional facility. She develops a sense of hypervigilance, fearing that criticism, punishment, disapproval or control will be exerted.

Neurodiverse marriages with a father-daughter dynamic are usually among the highest experience of fear for the NT wife. When one lives under a smokescreen of tyranny, it starts to feel like a hostage situation. The neurotypical wife may forget her own freedom, because his assertion of power is so frightening and overpowering to her.

Infantalizing and controlling his ‘stupid’ wife becomes a special interest for the authoritarian ASD husband. It is terribly destructive – and imprisoning – for the smart, capable, competent woman he married.

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The Surrogate Mother & Defiant Child in a ND Marriage

Healthy spouses have no desire to parent each other. They want a reciprocal partner, lover, companion, and equal. Ideally, a marriage is complementary. Both partners bring different strengths and gifts to the relationship, contributing equally to the care and maintenance of the marriage – but not the upkeep, nor management, of the other person. Healthy husbands and wives do not want to supervise, monitor or attempt to control their spouse. Most importantly: a spouse should not be placed in the position of being tasked with acting as a surrogate parent.

In neurodiverse marriages, it’s not uncommon for a spouse to be parentified. Sometimes, it’s the ASD spouse who behaves in a fatherly way toward his wife. The circumstances of an autistic husband treating his NT wife in a parental manner are different from what occurs in reverse. For this discussion, we will focus on the occurrence of a mother-son dynamic between a neurotypical wife and her ASD spouse.

Initially, it might appear that her husband’s unmasking (and shedding of personal responsibility) is actually him ‘trusting her’ with his vulnerabilities. It can feel emotionally intimate to experience her stoic, intelligent, responsible, hard-working husband ‘needing’ her to ease certain aspects of life. She is likely a very natural caretaker, and it feels good to show her love through alleviating burdens from her husband.

The autistic husband is content to relinquish responsibility if it means more attention can be directed toward his special interest.

Does the neurodiverse husband want his wife to be a surrogate mother?

When her mothering provides comfort and relieves him of unwanted responsibility or duty – he is more than happy to be infantilized. It’s quite convenient for him to have a shield from aspects of adult life that he finds boring. When he’s hurt or sad, he likes that she’s consoling. But when his wife is parental in the sense of holding him accountable to obligations, expectations and agreements – he is often resentful, resistant and uncooperative. Due to his black and white thinking, he may struggle with viewing her reaction to his lack of personal responsibility as all good, or all bad, and extrapolate it to her value as a spouse. His good wife is a nurturing mother, or his bad wife is a rule-enforcing parent. The neurotypical wife experiences her husband as a child in two forms: the helpless little boy who is in need of rescuing, or an angry teenage boy, committed to defying his parent’s directions.

If the autistic spouse is demand-avoidant, then he can be particularly resistant to all cooperation, and ultra-protective of his ability to say no. He disregards the bigger picture of what is reasonable and beneficial for the higher good of the marriage and family. She becomes his nagging mother, pleading for him to wake up, get a shower, go to work, take his medicine, eat his meals, spend time with the kids (and keep them safe), pay the bills, do the dishes, etc. Even when it does not serve him to resist her, he is compelled to defy her ‘demands.’ He would rather put his job in jeopardy, have poor hygiene, stay hungry, skip his medicine, ignore the kids and stay up all night – if it means he doesn’t have to obey “mom.” It’s his family who bears the brunt of his resistance when he makes choices that result in personal dysregulation.

What does the mother-son dynamic look like in a neurodiverse marriage?

  • Time Management
    • Excessive or dysregulated sleep is an intertwined aspect of poor time management. He may struggle with getting up for work on time, creating fear in his wife that he could lose his job. She takes on the role of cajoling him out of bed and hurrying him along to get to work. When he returns home from work, he may expect a nap. After resting and leaving her to handle the night-time routine with children or be alone without companionship, he turns to his special interest. She points out to him the cycle of staying up too late and being tired the next day, but he resists a reasonable bed time. She may become obsessed with monitoring his bedtime in hopes of changing the cycle of conflict around his morning routine.
    • Time-blindness may occur throughout his day, which becomes disruptive on a number of levels – children cannot be forgotten at school, extra-curricular activities have certain time frames, dinner cannot wait until all hours. Even if they have agreed to a division of labor in regard to time management, she often finds herself reminding him through texts or phone calls to not neglect time restraint obligations.
  • Hygiene
    • Many ASD men are meticulous with their bodily self-care, but a good portion of men on the spectrum struggle with regular showering and tooth brushing. They may shower, but not wash their hair or body. They may brush their teeth, but less often than is necessary for a wife to feel like kissing her husband. She may simultaneously be dealing with a husband who refuses to improve his hygiene, yet also expects affection. Reminding him to shower regularly starts to feel like begging a pre-teen boy to take care of body odor. She takes on this responsibility both because it is difficult to tolerate as his companion, but she is also aware that he is harming himself socially at work (and thereby potentially risking his job).
  • Health
    • Many men with ASD receive treatment for co-occurring mental health issues, such as anxiety, explosive behavior, excessive irritability, ADHD, OCD, etc. Since she is the one who bears the brunt of his shutdowns, meltdowns, verbal assaults or other behaviors which hurt or harm the family environment, she is very invested in his continued treatment. However, the autistic husband may periodically resist consultation, struggle with making and attending his appointments, or taking his medication regularly.
    • Along with medication management, therapy is often a necessity and lifeline for the neurotypical wife. If her husband is inconsistent with appointments, non-compliant with instructions or otherwise refusing to participate on
  • Relationship Maintenance & Care
    • She is usually the one who must initiate, schedule, plan, remind and, at times, enforce dedicated couple time together that isn’t merely parallel play. (An example: he avoids an agreed upon date night by sleeping, or other distraction.) A wife does not want to be the sole pursuer in her marriage. She wants to feel desired, sought after, valued and cherished. Having to solely take charge of their emotional intimacy, and in many cases their physical intimacy, is demoralizing for her.
      • Most ASD men are content with what is essentially parallel play. They are happy to have their wife next to them as they watch their tv shows, scroll on their phone, play video games or otherwise engage in rest, relaxation or sometimes their special interest. The neurodiverse couple may do some shared activities together, such as exercising, gardening, attending church, etc. – but it is a side-by-side endeavor, not an interactive and connective experience for her.
  • Communication & Conflict Management
    • It is not uncommon for an explosive fight or bitter argument to end without resolution. In similar fashion, behavior that occurs during a meltdown will often go unacknowledged by the autistic husband. He will frequently expect his neurotypical wife to move on, without any repair. The NT wife needs and expects a follow-up discussion, but she will find herself approaching him first, much in the way a mother prompts a young child to apologize and take accountability for his actions. She may be met with an angry teenage boy who is unwilling to see his part in the conflict.
    • When the ASD husband has perceived a rejection from his wife, or a criticism, he may stonewall her or react with excessive anger and accusation. He expects profuse apologies and soothing from her in order to move past the event, even if his own actions were inappropriate and her intention was not to criticize. Just as a mother-child relationship is not reciprocal – because parents put aside their own feelings to help a child regulate – the NT wife puts aside her perspective to soothe his. Otherwise, she knows that he’s perfectly capable and happy to stonewall for days or weeks.
  • Co-Parenting
    • ASD men vary in their fathering, but it’s characteristic for an autistic husband to struggle with best practices of parenting. The NT wife often feels her children’s needs are poorly met by the ASD parent, unless he is meticulously instructed, especially during younger years when babies, toddlers and school-age children cannot care for themselves. The neurotypical wife takes on the task of instructing, directing, managing, prompting and correcting behavior that isn’t in the best interest of children. She may have safety concerns that require lots of vigilant planning on her part to prevent neglect.
      • Here is an example of what I commonly hear: “I have to do all the ‘thinking’ for everyone in this house. If he takes an aspirin, my mind has to consider if he put the bottle away. Because he’s left out bottles of medicine before, without lids, and our toddlers have grabbed them. If he decides to make dinner, I’m not even worrying about the mess. I’m thinking about the knives he forgets to put away. If he agrees to take them to the park, I have to remind him that he can’t sit on his phone and ignore their whereabouts. I have to remind him to bring water bottles. I know that it’s best if I pack them, because he may decide he won’t take them at all if he has to make one. If a kid has soccer practice and I have a work meeting, I know that I have to instruct him how to prioritize dinner and homework and showers around a 45 minute practice. I also know that the kids will likely be overtired the next day, because there’s no way he’s getting them to bed on time. He might decide it’s fine to skip homework, or even dinner. He cuts corners. He doesn’t seem to understand what can be cut, and what has to be prioritized. Another issue is that if he skips feeding them one night, it becomes a reasonable choice to him for other nights. He pushes the envelope of how much he can get away with not doing, or not remembering, all to save himself from effort or responsibility.”
  • Household & Meals
    • Some ASD men are hunger-blind, especially when absorbed in their work or special interest. They can forget to eat, forget to hydrate, etc. When he starts to get irritable and impatient, she’s the one who asks – have you eaten today?
    • Unless food or cooking is a special interest, it is often a challenge for an ASD man to put together meals. This can result in choosing not to eat if his wife isn’t available to make his meals. He may prefer the discomfort of hunger over the discomfort of providing food for himself.
    • Grocery shopping (or any errand-running) can be a challenge. If it isn’t an easy or familiar task, it can turn into excessive texting or calling her with questions. He isn’t sure where various things are located in the store, and finding them without her explicit instructions seems too overwhelming.
    • While some men with ASD are vigilant about cleaning (sometimes due to co-morbid OCD), many ASD spouses are resistant to contributing to household chores. The NT wife becomes the naggy mother, begging him to take on some contribution to the house. Sometimes she may notice him acting out – ruining her clothes in the laundry, parenting the children for a few hours but allowing them to trash the house, etc. This manipulation can effectively discourage her from pursuing his help, since it just creates more work.
  • Special Interests
    • Autistic partners have difficulty withdrawing from preferred activities. Special interests can be all-consuming, at the expense of time for the marriage and family. When he chooses to not abide by agreements for structuring time around the special interest, the neurotypical wife is in the position of either enforcing his cooperation, or accepting that he will not prioritize other obligations nor keep his agreements.
  • Money
    • Many men with ASD are quite frugal, and sometimes border on miserly. However, there are men on the spectrum who struggle with following a budget, paying bills on time, or having restraint in spending on their special interest. This can result in the neurotypical wife having to monitor spending and initiate confrontation when her husband acts in his own interest vs. the well-being of the family.
    • If a job loss occurs, unexpectedly or not, the ASD man might not prioritize job-seeking. Not having a routine usually devolves into an absence of any structure. Extra time for his special interest can result in a resistance toward seeking more employment. His wife takes on the parental role of prompting him to search for jobs, urgently explaining that they cannot survive without his income.

What is the impact on the neurotypical wife becoming her husband’s surrogate mother?

The neurotypical wife feels put in an impossible situation when her partner will not manage his time, sleep, job, special interest, self-care, health, obligations, parenting, finances or contribution to the marriage relationship. She begins to feel disdain, contempt, fear and resentment toward him. She also begins to loathe herself, as it harms her dignity as a woman to be mothering her husband. It feels emotionally incestuous to carry on a dual relationship of both mother and lover (though, often there is a significant sexual deficit in the marriage as well). A nuance that is especially crazy-making for a neurotypical wife, and different from the typical codependent marriage, is that she recalls her husband being competent prior to marriage. She wants and hopes for his responsibility to return.

Why does she participate in the mother-son dynamic?

The autistic husband rarely descends into avoiding all personal responsibility immediately. Before children are involved, it can be annoying, but not unendurable. Over time, and the addition of life milestones, she is more entrenched. His resistance increases proportionally. She is invested in trying to hold together a marriage while juggling multiple balls in the air. Sometimes it seems as though survival is at stake, if her husband is cavalier about his mental health, his employment, or is highly careless with the kids, or indiscriminate in his spending. It feels very frightening for her to consider the consequences of disengaging from parenting him.

Children add a complication and vulnerability to her time, resources and freedom. She can’t ignore their myriad of needs. She can’t bring herself to not be a buffer between his choices and their best interest. If they are neurodiverse like their father, that lends a multi-layered level of complication. Life is often spent in survival mode, and her options feel very few. The amount of energy poured into begging for cooperation and help is a chronic stress that diminishes her health and resiliency. She notices that he does not remember her instructions from day to day; she repeats herself endlessly. He is committed to helplessness. Her husband does not behave as a partner or an equal, but as a child in a man’s body who requires just as much mothering, if not more, than the actual children.

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The Special Interest of Every Neurotypical Wife

After being discarded as the special interest of her ASD husband, the neurotypical wife is desperate to understand what is happening. She becomes obsessed with decoding her autistic spouse, though ASD may not even be on her radar for months or even years. She tirelessly strives to understand his myriad of unfamiliar behaviors that ultimately feel like a bait and switch from their earlier relationship. As his neglect and emotional deprivation of her needs continues in duration, her effort to understand him becomes more and more frantic. The NT wife simultaneously blames herself for his discard, and searches for an underlying source of explanation. Additionally, so many of his behaviors – independent of the relationship, but limited to home life – seem baffling and not representative of anything previously experienced.

When she eventually seeks out consultation to make sense of her lonesome relationship, her insidious despair, her relentless anxiety, her physical symptoms from ongoing stress that will eventually be diagnosed as chronic illness – her topical focus always circles back to her husband. Every aspect of his behavior is reported to the therapist and her words tumble out at lightning speed – she has so much to get out, and isn’t easily diverted. She’s wholly focused on understanding him, longing for a returned connection, avoiding his meltdowns, and preventing his shutdowns. Although codependency isn’t a diagnosis, the therapist may use the term as a label for her. But is she truly a codependent individual who sought out a codependent relationship?

It’s my belief that the nuances of the neurotypical wife’s hyperfocus on her husband’s behavior is much broader than the traditional idea of what encompasses codependency. The term codependent is mired in misplaced shame for most women, despite the fact that codependency develops out of profound trauma, abuse or neglect – usually stemming from childhood. A child does not choose this type of upbringing, and there is no self-blame or shame necessary when an adult struggles with the effects of being poorly nurtured. The label can be unhelpful to a neurotypical wife because she is already dealing with the shame and confusion of being discarded, unseen and devalued in her marriage. She may frequently be told by her ASD husband that the problem is her, not him. Being termed “codependent” when seeking help from a therapist, even without negative insinuation, can feel criminalizing – even though it’s merely a matter of describing a behavior pattern. It also fails to truly see the big picture of neurodiverse marriages.

It’s true that someone raised in chaotic or controlling circumstances often has an under-developed sense of personhood, due to deficits of caregivers or circumstances. Adult children of these environments are vulnerable to codependent tendencies, having been conditioned to minimize their own needs and stay focused on others who demanded it. However, there is a key difference between the neurotypical wife and the ordinary codependent who is compelled to be a rescuer: the autistic husband masked during the early part of their relationship, before marriage. Why is this significant? Because it means that the neurotypical wife chose her marriage based on the dating dynamic of reciprocity. She did not get married with the notion of toxic selflessness on the agenda. She did not expect to spend her marital life obsessively researching psychology, neurology and developmental disorders, pouring energy exclusively into her husband – just to obtain basic insight and a modicum of mutuality from him.

She misses him.

Is this a universal phenomenon? Of course not. In some instances, the neurotypical wife WAS in the position of mothering and managing her ASD husband prior to marriage. Additionally, sometimes there were clues despite the masking, but childhood perceptions were still a blindspot – which is certainly understandable. However, a significant majority of neurotypical women did not establish a codependent relationship with their ASD husband prior to marriage, and symptoms did not develop until after she was dropped as the special interest.

What symptoms does a neurotypical wife exhibit which lend toward a codependent label from therapists or other helpers?

  • excessive focus on his behavior and desperately trying to change it
  • pleading and begging for him to adjust his behavior and cooperate with her
  • frequently ruminating about how to influence or convince him to change
  • needing acknowledgement of reality from him about his behavior
  • solely contributing to the care, concern and maintenance of the marriage
  • caregiving at the expense of herself
  • over-functioning in all aspects of parenting
  • over-functioning in all practical management of the household
  • acting as a buffer between him and their children or extended family
  • shielding or disguising his poor behavior to the children
  • managing his lack of executive function for daily life
  • accommodating his rules, preferences and moods
  • taking on blame to appease and avoid punishment
  • accepting excessive control to keep the peace or avoid conflict
  • sacrificing her feelings and needs
  • tolerating a sexual dynamic that is not aligned with her desires
  • having her own mood be impacted by his mood
  • her sense of peace being measured by the relationship’s well-being
  • taking on the prevention of his meltdowns and shutdowns
  • avoiding conflict for fear of his meltdown, shutdown, or shut out
  • walking on eggshells around his cognitive distortions
  • soothing his rejection sensitivity dysphoria
  • acting in the parent role of managing his access to poor choices
  • fear of ending the relationship prematurely (in case he changes)
  • difficulty setting firm boundaries
  • unreservedly loyal despite his poor treatment of her
  • taking on the sole responsibility of pursuing help for him
  • failing to trust her own perceptions of the marriage (or it’s direction)

(Some neurotypical wives may read this list with a feeling of shame. It’s important for every wife to practice self-compassion at recognizing how much she has tried her very best to change the course of her marriage. It’s especially important to know that she cannot do his work for him to change the relationship.)

Despite how consumed she is by her husband’s behavior, most NT wives lack a fundamental aspect of true codependency: the desire for her ASD husband to stay dysfunctional. The neurotypical wife deeply desires for his best self to return.

Frequently, NT wives were cognizant of the dynamics in their childhood that put them at greater risk for choosing a dysfunctional partner. Possessing the introspection of an emotionally intelligent person, NT wives often dated with this awareness in mind, looking for qualities in a partner that signaled reliability, responsibility, competency and mutuality. They were drawn to the intelligent man with a strong work ethic, professional success and principled nature. He seemed steady in life, work, and she was dazzled by his single-minded devotion to her. With good reason, she believed that marrying this man was a wise and safe decision, and would result in a continued mutuality.

Does such a thoughtful choice sound like someone who craves becoming enslaved to her partner’s turbulence? His savior, rescuer, mother and caretaker?

When the mask of her autistic husband is not only off, but flung aside and perhaps never to be worn inside the home ever again, the neurotypical wife is emotionally shattered. She reverts over time to the coping skills that were learned long ago in her first chaotic environment. If she is an adult child conditioned toward toxic selflessness (aka codependency), then it is her most primal adaptation toward survival. Neurodiverse marriages often exist in survival mode.

The neurotypical wife sought something very different from her childhood. The man behind the mask is her special interest, but he isn’t her husband.

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Is it an autistic shut down, or an ASD shut out?

What are the differences between an autistic shutdown, autistic burnout and a common (but less defined, and rarely discussed) dynamic in neurodiverse marriage – the autistic shut out?

What is an autistic shutdown?

An autistic shutdown in is a short-term reaction to overwhelm. Perhaps the autistic individual has masked for an extended period of time, been exposed to sensory overload, or experienced highly stressful circumstances (conflict, an exhaustive social engagement, aversive obligations, a high-demand work environment, relational difficulties, emotional deluge from shame or anxiety, etc.). It might be merely one factor or several stressors that culminate in an autistic shutdown. To cope, an ASD individual might retreat into sleep, withdraw from sensory stimulation (require reduced light and noise), seek out proprioceptive input (a weighted blanket with ‘deep pressure’ to joints and body), or be non-communicative. The duration of an autistic shutdown is brief – an ASD individual might be back to baseline functioning within hours, or possibly a few days at most.

An ASD individual may experience periods of overwhelm that lead to varying durations of withdrawal.

Autistic burnout is a long-term state of exhaustion, with significantly impacted daily functioning, loss of skills (cognition, speech, self-control, executive functioning), and heightened sensitivity to sensory stimulation. The ASD individual’s nervous system is overloaded, and their body and mind must reset (due to the cumulative effect of all the same reasons that lead to autistic shutdown). Autistic burnout can last for weeks or months. ASD individuals experiencing burnout often need a leave of absence from work or school in order to recover from the collective stressors of daily life in a neurotypical world. They struggle with basic self-care, exist in a constant state of fatigue, and rarely leave their bed. Their capacity for non-essential communication is severely limited, and stimming more often than usual may occur in hopes of self-soothing.

A third type of autistic withdrawal exists, and is frequently seen in neurodiverse marriages. Many times, neurotypical wives will misattribute autistic shutdown to their ASD spouse. In coaching, I will hear how about shutdowns that “last for months.” Yet their spouse is still successfully working, communicating with children and colleagues, practicing typical self-care (showering at their usual rate of frequency, eating regularly, etc.), engaging in their special interest, and capable of productivity – especially if it serves their own interest. There is no loss of cognitive skills. But, when it comes to communicating with his wife, cooperating with requests or routine expectations (especially those that benefit her directly), or spending time together – the ASD spouse is is absent, resistant, unwilling and uninterested.

What does an autistic shut out look like in a neurodiverse marriage?

I refer to long-term withdrawal in neurodiverse marriages as an “autistic shut out.” What might initially begin as a legitimate autistic shutdown (usually after marital conflict, or overwhelm from the expectations of family life and marriage), devolves into an intentional withholding of cooperation, communication and problem-solving. This is not to say there there is a total absence of overwhelm when he thinks about re-engaging, but other factors are present which remove his behavior from wholly being an issue of lacking capacity.

Essentially, an autistic shut out is long-term, sustained stonewalling. It is an intentional act of withholding communication and indulging in a posture of avoidance, neglect or punishment. The ASD spouse and his neurotypical wife may be at an impasse in one way or another, whether through conflict, disagreement, or a difference in expectations. It might even be that the neurotypical wife has no idea what precipitated the withdrawal. (Often, she eventually learns that there is a longstanding resentment on his part.)

Characteristics of an ASD shut out from an autistic husband in a ND marriage:

  • An antecedent: this can be one incident or a buildup of circumstances (typically, a disagreement or conflict with spouse, and/or anger and resentment toward family or marriage-related expectations)
  • Possibly an initial autistic shutdown (as described above), but a resuming of baseline functioning (with the exception of spousal interaction)
  • Sustained evasion of communication, cooperation or problem-solving
  • Attitude consisting of one or more of the following toward her: 1) detachment and disinterest 2) contempt and resentment 3) believing himself to be victimized by his wife 4) showing zero urgency to resolve the conflict or bend his position
  • Rigid inflexibility in his belief of being “right”
  • Resistant and/or withholding of perspective-taking, despite the wife repeatedly attempting to explain herself and her viewpoint
  • Oppositional and defiant toward communication attempts
  • Excessively demand avoidant to the requests of wife
  • Silence directed toward spouse, but not others
  • Purposely indulging his special interest to the neglect of family life
  • Ignoring his regular duties around the home or in regard to parenting
  • Partaking in extra rest or relaxation, especially if it’s apparent his wife is bothered
  • Seemingly content with the air of tension in the home, even as it stretches on for weeks or months
  • Might put on a show of being extra kind toward everyone but his neurotypical wife
  • May treat her as an object – avoiding eye contact, silently stepping around her, etc.

When a disagreement precipitates the autistic shut out, the neurotypical wife may naturally express her hurt or anger. If she is quiet in response to her hurt, then he may mirror her (though being quiet after conflict could be his natural inclination as well). Later, he may blame her for his sustained stonewalling by claiming “she started the silent treatment” – even if she has tried many times to communicate with him after the initial period of quiet. If she reacts to their disagreement with tears, a raised voice or other emotionalism, he may later blame her reaction as a means to justify his silence and stonewalling. She was “too crazy,” “too out of control.” Either way, from his perspective – usually she is to blame for his autistic shut out.

How does an autistic shut out impact the neurotypical wife?

It’s difficult for those not in a neurodiverse marriage to conceptualize what it is like to be stonewalled and withheld from for days or even months on end. To have her most intimate relationship be one of silence. Already existing in a baseline of daily emotional deprivation from her spouse’s mind-blindness, and possibly alexithymia, the neurotypical wife now has to contend with his purposeful neglect. His inability to connect with her intuitively is painful on a regular basis, but realizing that he is contentedly withholding from her – as a means to control, avoid and/or punish – is often a devastating emotional blow to the neurotypical wife. She may be conditioned to believe that his tendency to emotionally disengage is due to lack of capability, and struggle to accept that this stonewalling and inflexibility is not solely due to autistic confusion. Eventually, she may come to discover that he prefers to be in control more than he prefers to experience harmony with his wife. Maintaining a sense of control is empowering to him, soothes his anxiety and – withholding from her is often a dopamine hit of pleasure to his brain. He’s found a way to avoid difficult conversations that involve puzzling emotions, excuse his lack of involvement in family life (leaving more time for a special interest or relaxation), and punish his adversary in a passive aggressive manner. All while feeling quite justified due to his black and white, inflexible reasoning.

Additionally, autistic shut outs impact the neurotypical wife by setting off a frenzy of desperation to understand his behavior, especially if it’s one of the first occurrences. She takes on the tremendous emotional labor of trying to pin down exactly what went wrong and how it could have been handled differently, in addition to attempting repeated efforts at reconciling. Yet he resists, further confusing her and possibly sending her into despair. Wives will ask me – but how can they not want to resolve the conflict? Because the standoff creates his ideal environment! No emotional interaction until he decides to resume conversation – which is possibly being withheld until she gives up what she needs (thereby solving any need to compromise); suspension of his relationship obligations; more time for his special interest; avoidance of his participation in family life or chores with what he considers a legitimate excuse.

I am often asked – where is the line in marriage between merely autistic behavior, and abuse? Is an autistic shut out considered abusive? Is it neglectful? It’s my belief that autistic behavior becomes abusive when the ASD partner willfully persists in doing what he’s been made aware is harmful to his wife. Not just hurtful, but harmful. He is married to a neurotypical woman, and a neurotypical wife cannot thrive in a relationship where basic communication and tenderness is withheld. And neurodiverse or not, any relationship that has a vindictive pattern of intentionally punishing or harming the other person emotionally or otherwise is toxic. The NT wife naturally makes many, many accommodations for her ASD spouse. While he may find his autistic manner to be acceptable and justified, the reality is that marriage involves two people. Morally and ethically, intentional harm toward someone else is unacceptable – and should be even more so when directed toward a life partner.

Lastly, we have to consider what character and integrity issues are at play when a spouse’s requests for communication, cooperation, emotional regulation and problem-solving are routinely ignored. An autistic spouse must cultivate willingness. A willingness to practice flexibility in his thinking and behavior, even if it does not come naturally. A willingness to stay accountable to the commitment he entered into with his wife at the time of marriage.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

The Adversarial Dynamic of a neurodiverse marriage

When the neurodiverse marriage has spiraled into severe disenchantment, the ASD husband begins to view his neurotypical wife in an adversarial manner. The autistic partner is naturally self-focused, and his mind-blindness does not enable him to easily put context toward many of her expectations. He starts to regard his wife as an encumbrance to peace and pleasure in his life. It feels to him like she has an exhaustive list of instructions, obligations and tasks that he must fulfill. Over time, many of her expectations and requests are met with resistance, opposition or disregard. Why does the autistic husband feel justified in treating his wife as the enemy?

The ASD husband beings to view his wife as an adversary due to her expectations within the marriage, which erodes his consideration of her.

When the neurotypical wife has been discarded as the special interest, the ASD husband develops a certain sense of detachment from her. He is much less motivated to please her. While he was perhaps seemingly very helpful, reliable and eager to cooperate in the beginning of their relationship, this has been significantly decreased after cohabitation or marriage. Often, his resentment begins because of the disruption to his space and the cloud of expectation for connection that lingers near him at all times – her relational needs are no longer compartmentalized to their planned time together. Instead, her neurotypical nature anticipates conversation in the morning, after work, during dinner, before bedtime. She expects help with household labor, and quality time together. She awaits sex, and intimacy. She views their life together as one of collaboration and partnership. But the autistic husband’s nature is not designed for continuous interaction day and night, and nor is he able to anticipate any of these needs, despite the regularity in which they occur. The more she seeks connection, the further he withdraws.

When children have entered the picture and life is considerably more complicated, with many moving parts – the wife is quickly worn to the bone of doing it all, seemingly alone. At this juncture, the requests from her are not just relationship-oriented, they are much more practical in nature. If anything, she has to prioritize her requests, because pleading for relational intimacy has yielded few if any results. Now, she just needs HELP. Functional help with chores, kids, and overall juggling of adult marital life. This is when things tend to lean toward an exceptionally adversarial dynamic, if it has not already devolved into one earlier in the marriage.

The more that the neurotypical wife requests, the more resistant the ASD husband is to cooperation. He may go out of his way to avoid meeting her “demands.” He may even do the exact opposite of what she requests, so as to fully prevent her from receiving what she wants.

Why does an autistic husband withhold from his wife in this manner?

Seeking control to cope with anxiety, and perceived injustice, is often the underlying function of an ASD man’s resistance to cooperate with his wife’s reasonable expectations. Due to his mind-blindness, he has difficulty understanding “why” her requests – like taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, or putting a kid to bed, or cleaning up vomit, or transporting a kid from soccer practice to home – are a priority. Due to his selfism, he is focused on his own prerogatives and not internally juggling the needs and obligations of each family member. Instead, he views his wife as funneling responsibility, demands and work upon him that in his mind, are simply not his job nor within his agenda. This creates resentment, which turns into contempt, and then he acts out with passive aggressive punishment. He may also have a visceral distaste for being told what to do, causing an automatic avoidance of her instruction. He attributes her directives as intentionally designed to punish him (or keep him away from what he truly wants to be doing), and he is angered by the control he feels exerted over him. He views her as responsible for his miserable laundry list of responsibilities that are created from HER priorities, not his. She is the enemy of his agenda, not his partner or teammate.

The adversarial dynamic in a neurodiverse marriage can escalate to the point that he is withholding far more than just practical help. His brain may be hit with dopamine each time he feels the satisfaction of controlling a situation by withholding from his wife. This actually increases his interest in hearing her and he is listening to her needs more than ever – but with ill intent, using it as a means to punish by withholding, refusing and treating her as an enemy. However, he also genuinely – with his black and white thinking – believes himself to be correct. He has firmly concluded that his wife has earned this treatment from him through her demanding behavior. In his perception, her requests/demands are not reasonable and they do not consider his agenda, feelings or interests.

Other areas of life can also be drastically impacted by his belief that she is an enemy that must be contained and held at arm’s length. He may assert rigid boundaries with finances, knowing this is an exceptionally effective way to control her freedoms and security. Shutting her out of accounts, closing access to funds, doling out an allowance. Treating her as an opponent to control or thwart, instead of a partner to trust. The more she asks for transparency, the more he is given the opportunity to resist and withhold, which feels soothing to him and entrenches him further into the habit. He may extend this oppositional resistance into all areas of their life – breaking agreements about weekend plans, refusing to participate in fun outings, thwarting special occasions that she’s put effort into planning, reneging on commitments in all areas of life, etc.

Stonewalling is a common way in which the ASD husband effectively removes any chance at cooperation, by fully checking out and weaponizing his silence. Without any communication, his refusals and false promises cannot be discussed. It is an effective way to withhold partnership and punish his wife for her expectations that feel oppressive.

It’s worth noting that ASD often has blended features with other disorders that are certainly not “just” autism. It’s very important to know that some ASD men do not have oppositional or defiant tendencies – they sincerely desire to reduce conflict and communicate more effectively with their wives. They do not pursue control through withholding, refusing help or treating wives as adversaries to defeat. However, a great many men with autism DO have an underlying proclivity toward oppositional behavior, and it sometimes morphs into serious personality, integrity and character issues.

The impact of being treated as an opponent instead of a partner is yet another layer of emotional deprivation for the neurotypical partner. It is not just the lack of emotional intimacy and empathy, it is not just all the accommodations she must make for his inability to understand her needs, to account for his sensory preferences, his requirements for restoration and sleep, his minor control issues that quickly add up – it is being treated like an enemy on a day to day basis. It is noticing that he goes out of his way to deny her, to refuse her, to withhold from her. It is feeling like a mother with a rebellious teenage son whom she must beg, plead and cajole into cooperating on even the most fundamental of levels. She starts to realize that everyone else in his life receives a better version of him. If a stranger asked him to take out the trash, he probably would. But if it’s a request from her, then his reflexive response is a solid (or passive) “no.” It’s her, and solely her, that he seeks to resist. And that is soul-crushing for a neurotypical wife who married her husband in hopes of having a tender, connected and loyal marriage with mutuality and partnership. She vowed to love him above anyone else, and it seems that he has endeavored to do exactly the opposite – in all things, as usual.

Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a complex topic that will be defined and explored more in further posts to come.

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The secrets that Cassandra keeps

The concept behind the name of Cassandra Syndrome is that a NT wife is sharing her reality with others, and being doubted. But what do her disclosures about the neurodiverse marriage really look like? To what degree is a neurotypical wife able to fully reveal the extent of her marital dynamic to others?

It can be very difficult for the NT wife to convey the full reality of her marriage to loved ones, because she is often minimized or dismissed.

A neurotypical wife is usually very discretionary in regard to how much she divulges about her husband’s behavior. She instinctively knows that if she were to TRULY talk in specifics about the happenings within her marriage, people would be in utter disbelief… not just doubt. The behaviors of her husband are sometimes so starkly unusual in comparison to neurotypical husbands that it creates a sense of shame about fully revealing them. She may also unconsciously worry that his poor treatment of her is a reflection of her personal worth – and that perhaps other people will come to the same conclusion of her lack in value. Additionally, she is often protective of her autistic husband. She sees the vulnerabilities that drives some of his autistic behaviors, even as she struggles to explain it to herself. She also has hope that her ASD husband might improve the behaviors that are seemingly the most difficult, and she doesn’t want to ruin his reputation to loved ones. The NT wife may also be conditioned from childhood to believe it’s her job to keep his dysfunction or misbehavior a secret from others.

When the neurotypical wife tries to broach the topic of her marital dynamics with friends or family, it’s often shut down very quickly. Of course he doesn’t spend a lot of time with her after work – he’s tired! Of course he likes to do his [special interest] all weekend – it’s fun! Of course he has meltdowns on holidays – they’re a lot of pressure! She might also be treated to the common mentality in our culture of blaming the person who ‘complains’ – she must be doing something that elicits his problematic actions or avoidance of her.

When the sanitized version of their relationship problems are minimized or dismissed, the neurotypical wife may either ramp up the details – risking, of course, the possibility of looking histrionic, or being pitied because her husband is so “weird.” More often, she withdraws from trying to explain. She’s learned that other people will not validate her experience because they don’t understand it – and, they will blame her. His behavior becomes her secret.

What are the secrets that neurotypical wives keep? The following are all examples heard directly from coaching clients:

Secrets about daily life and parenting:

  • “After we were married, he treated our relationship as a task that had been completed. He didn’t understand the point of regular time together – we were already married. I spend every evening alone, while he’s playing video games or working on his motorcycle (a special interest).”
  • “He slept through my 20 hours of labor, and then left the hospital 10 minutes after she was born – to get himself something to eat. He said he didn’t think to bring me anything.”
  • “The noise of having a baby in the house unglues him. He’s thrown the baby monitor against the wall multiple times, and screamed at her to shut up. I obviously cannot leave the baby with him, because he could have a meltdown and risk her safety.”
  • “He bought a decibel meter to measure noise in the house. If the kids are too loud, then he punishes them. He blames me for not keeping them quiet.”
  • “We have three kids under age 5. He leaves out dangerous items like bleach spray, scissors, and single pills of substances like Adderall. He acts like I’m stupid to think this is risky for our little kids.”
  • “If I ask him to watch the kids while I go to the grocery store and he isn’t in the mood to get out of bed, then he refuses. If I point out he’s been in bed for a long time already, he still refuses. He’s threatened me that if the kids get hurt while I’m out and he’s resting, it will be my fault since I left them with him after he said no. But he always says no – he thinks I should be solely responsible for them at all times.”
  • “I come home from work frequently to find him in bed, and our two toddlers roaming the house unsupervised, making a mess and potentially getting in to dangerous things.”
  • “Nobody is allowed to touch the thermostat except him, because of the temperature, and the cost. If he’s hot, then it’s worth turning the air on. If we’re hot, then it’s not worth turning the air on.”
  • “He doesn’t help with the housework, but he lectures me continuously about the right way to do it. When he returns home from work, he doesn’t say hello first – he just announces what chores aren’t visibly done.”
  • “We both have full-time jobs, but he lays on the couch with his phone every night after work. I make dinner, feed everyone, bathe the kids and get them to bed. If I ask him to do something, like take out the trash, he refuses. He says I’m ordering him around.”
  • “He antagonizes the kids and doesn’t know how to diffuse conflict. He creates power struggles and then punishes them with consequences that aren’t fair or reasonable, like a six month grounding. He expects me to enforce his consequences.”
  • “Even though he has sensory issues himself, he has no patience with our son who eats very few foods. He expects our son to eat every bite of whatever is on his plate, even if our son has tears streaming from the discomfort. He tells me I’m undermining him when I insist we offer our son some alternatives rather than forcing a food he detests.”
  • “Meltdowns don’t just happen in person. When he’s angry, he ragefully texts me all day long, and the things he says to me are so hateful. And then as soon as he’s over it, expects me to pretend it didn’t happen.”
  • “Stonewalling is his way of punishing me. He has gone an entire month without uttering a word to me.”

Secrets about his abandonment during critical moments of life:

  • “When my mom was put in hospice, he stopped speaking to me over something minor – I didn’t make the dinner he liked, so he said it was evidence that I don’t care about him or anything else but my mom. Whenever I need support the most, he finds a reason to withhold it.”
  • “I had major surgery that required a six week recovery. I planned ahead and asked him to take off the first week to help me. Any request I made – just for food or medicine – was met with irritation from him. I cried for most of my recovery – both from the pain, and also how he treated me. He never inquired as to why I was crying.”
  • “I had an emergency c-section with our second baby. I had lifting restrictions and couldn’t care for our toddler while caring for the newborn. He resented my instructions, and wasn’t willing to play with or entertain our toddler. He felt that since his time off from work is technically vacation time, it should be treated as such – not taking care of us. So he did lots of resting and hobbies while I cried.”
  • “I was diagnosed with cancer. When I told him, he just said “okay.” I asked if he could come to my follow-up appointment to learn about the treatments, but he didn’t understand why he should come – they weren’t going to be his treatments.”

Secrets about their sex life:

  • “We haven’t had sex in years – he avoids it and prefers porn.”
  • “He says he wants….to want…. to have sex. But we don’t.”
  • “We waited until after marriage to have sex. He hasn’t learned how I like to be touched, even though I’ve repeatedly been very specific – which he finds hurtful. I didn’t realize our sex life would be so disappointing.”
  • “He won’t reciprocate oral sex, but he expects it from me on a daily basis.”
  • “He finds the sensory aspect of sexually touching me to be disgusting, so he won’t.”
  • “He expects me to be freshly waxed at all times, because he hates body hair. But that rule doesn’t apply to him.”
  • “He requires a full shower and dry hair from me directly before sex, a towel on the bed and then immediately hops up afterwards to go take a shower himself.”
  • “He has never made eye contact during sex. It feels very disconnected when he’s staring at a fixed spot instead of into my eyes.”
  • “He expects sex every day, even if I’m really sick or just had a 12 hour workday. He has a meltdown and accuses me of not caring about his needs if I decline. Post-partum was a nightmare – he expected attention every single night even when I couldn’t physically provide it, and had a newborn and toddler to take care of.”
  • “He’s very moralistic about sex. He only uses proper terms and views it more as a reproductive function instead of a pleasurable experience. If I use any language that isn’t a clinical term, he calls me vulgar.”
  • “I can wear my sexiest lingerie to bed in hopes of him initiating, but he won’t even notice.”
  • “He was very critical of my post-partum body. He’s a doctor, and told me my stretch marks remind him of what scabies look like.”

Secrets about finances:

  • “He won’t let me have any passwords or access to our financial accounts. He has private bank accounts that he won’t discuss.”
  • “His mom is the recipient listed on his life insurance policy.”
  • “Cars are his special interest. He’s bought brand-new cars without telling me.”
  • “He will not stick to a budget. He spent $12k on video game purchases and I had no idea.”
  • “He lost his job but refuses to look for a new one, and rages when I plead with him.”
  • “He buys whatever he wants for himself, but I have to justify every dollar I spend to him.”
  • “We have four kids and a two bedroom home. He refuses to move, even though we could afford something much bigger that would fit our family much more comfortably.”

Secrets about special occasions:

  • “He has a meltdown every single holiday. The tension starts a day or two before, and then the holiday itself is an explosion that ruins it for everyone.”
  • “If we ask him to get out of bed and open presents,
  • “He hasn’t celebrated (or remembered) my birthday in years. But if his birthday isn’t made special, then he’s hurt and angry.”
  • “He frequently doesn’t speak to me on my birthday or our anniversary. He routinely finds a reason to be angry at me around any celebration.”
  • “At the last minute, he will often threaten not to go somewhere that we’re expected. He seems to enjoy the chaos this causes, the control it gives him, and my reaction to it. Like being on the cusp of embarrassing me, or ruining a special occasion distracts him from his anxiety about it.”

Secrets about broken agreements:

  • “We have a child with a life-threatening allergy. His mom has accidentally exposed her several times, so we agreed to stop allowing his mom to feed her. But he won’t enforce this, so our daughter had another exposure. He would rather risk her safety then stand up to his mom.”
  • “He promised me that we could take a family vacation this year. I did all sorts of side jobs to save the money for it. But just before I booked it, he took the money and paid off his student loan debt with it – so we couldn’t go.”
  • “We agreed that he would stand up for me at family gatherings where his dad tends to say rude things to me. But my husband shows no reaction. He just sits there eating the holiday meal as if it nothing terrible happened. And then later, he’ll gaslight me and say he didn’t hear his dad call me a name.”

There are endless secrets and countless categories.

Sometimes, hearing about some of these experiences doesn’t seem too terrible. Others often think the neurotypical wife is speaking in hyperbole if it gets to the point where she is actually sharing specific details with close ones. She spends EVERY night alone? He has a meltdown EVERY holiday? She’s NEVER gotten a birthday present? They haven’t had sex in YEARS? He didn’t speak to her for the ENTIRE month of August? She really doesn’t have ANY passwords to their financial accounts? Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. (And can anyone but a fellow NT wife imagine what it’s like to deal with not one, but ALL of these issues compounded?) But this seems unlikely to many people. Even a marriage counselor who is unfamiliar with the neurodiverse dynamic might listen to the wife describe these things and mistake her as being the one with black and white, all or nothing thinking. Using words like “always” and “never” are usually red flags for a therapist. The neurotypical wife is also usually desperate and urgent, which further creates a picture for the therapist that perhaps she is the underlying factor as to why the marriage is struggling. (An ASD man often presents in therapy as a calm, collected and a quiet sufferer of his wife’s tantrums.)

It is not just that her husband is emotionally unavailable to her, or that he isn’t capable of understanding her feelings. It’s that there are a million little ways that her relationship is deprivational (and stressful) in nature. Neurotypical women are wired for tenderness, mutuality, kindness, reciprocity, intimacy and companionship. NT wives who have been through trauma from childhood are also wired for safety – emotional safety (being heard, understood and valued) and relational security (a partner who demonstrates reliability, protectiveness and trustworthiness). She often has very few of those qualities in her marriage, and that creates a tremendous amount of trauma for her that is compounded by keeping what starts to feel like the secret reality of her marriage.

Secrets are especially triggering for neurotypical wives, as many have an extensive trauma history from childhood. Neurotypical wives were once little girls who kept their suffering a secret while enduring abuse, chaos, and neglect from parents with addiction, personality disorders, mental illness, or neurodiversity. Perhaps they had no one to turn to, perhaps they feared the unknown outcome of disclosing, perhaps they didn’t realize that life at home wasn’t normal. They most certainly did not think that marrying their brilliant, sweet and quirky husband would somehow result in a marriage fraught with difficulty, and nor did they anticipate the continued burden of keeping secrets.

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

Secrets & Lies with ASD in neurodiverse marriages

One oddly pervasive misconception about autism is that individuals with ASD are unable to lie. It appears that the lack of tactfulness commonly associated with ASD has been frequently confused for an inability to be deceitful. Being “blunt” when his wife asks how she looks in a dress is certainly not the same thing as being “unable” to lie. While the abrasive observations that comes along with ASD can be problematic for an intimate relationship, it is small in comparison to the damage that dishonesty inflicts upon the neurodiverse marriage.

ASD individuals are certainly capable of lying, and many are quite resistant to sharing information with their spouses. Dishonesty in marriage certainly isn’t unique to autism – obviously, no one is questioning whether neurotypicals are capable of duplicitous behavior. But, it is worth examining the ‘myth’ of ASD absolute truthfulness, because so many NT wives feel stunned that her husband is dishonest with her in very significant ways.

The neurotypical wife often feels a deep sense of wrenching “aloneness” in a marriage with a dishonest ASD husband.

Why do ASD husbands have difficulty being honest with their neurotypical wives?

Mind-blindness is an underpin of secretive behavior from an ASD spouse. The autistic husband has difficulty understanding how his wife thinks or feels, and he also struggles to correctly predict how his wife will react to certain occurrences or situations that inevitably arise in marriage. He may not place value on the importance of transparency between spouses, and he struggles to see why the lack of it feels so betraying to her. The ASD husband often prioritizes autonomy over mutuality, and again cannot understand his wife’s insistence that she be privy to his personal decisions (even if they impact her).

Anxiety is also an underlying factor to consider when ASD husbands fail to be honest with their NT wives. He dreads any response whatsoever from his wife when she is made aware of his mistakes, poor choices or other decisions that impact herself and the family. (He generally predicts that she will react with rage and anger, and even if her reaction is quite moderate – he may experience it as overwhelmingly negative and catastrophic due to his anxiety.) Shame is also interwoven with anxiety, and ASD men often have a significant sense of shame due to long feeling inadequate in a neurotypical world. He also may seek to avoid any input from her, because he fears being engulfed by her emotions or diverted from his agenda.

Conversely, a lack of foresight can be an elemental issue of the ASD husband’s dishonesty, and is the opposite of an anxious ASD spouse – consequences aren’t real (or imagined) unless he’s currently enduring them. Some partners simply fail to consider nor care what the unintended outcome might be of his secretive choices. If a blip of concern regarding consequences happens to cross his mind, he dismisses it as something he’ll deal with later. His focus is on getting what he wants, not evaluating risk/reward. A lot of smaller lies fall into this mindset, too – reflexively lying because it’s the path of least resistance from his wife.

Control is by far the biggest factor in why ASD husbands choose to be secretive, outright lie or withhold information from their neurotypical wives. It’s worth clarifying that maintaining a sense of control is a generalized coping mechanism for ASD anxiety, not exclusive to secret-keeping. However, when control is the function of his secretive behavior, it is usually self-serving and in pursuit of his agenda. Those with autism are led by their rigid black and white thinking, which informs their notion that right and wrong is absolute. If he believes his secret reflects the right way to do something, then he will not risk being thwarted by consulting his wife! Black and white thinking also impacts his notion of what constitutes a “need to know basis,” and he can convince himself that his wife is not entitled to the privilege of information. Withholding information can also be a means in which to defy his wife’s expectation of honesty. In cases where he is intending to be vindictive, keeping information from her is a satisfying means in which to do so. He gets to control the output of information and thereby have a leg up from her, when he so often feels like her social-emotional skills provide an advantage in life. Additionally, many men with autism will argue that omitting the truth is certainly not a lie and nor is it dishonest. This makes perfect sense in their literal brain – a non-verbal inaction (withholding) cannot be a verbalized action (lie).

What sort of secrets do ASD men typically keep?

The most common issues of deception that I hear about in coaching are:

  • Financial: secret debt, undisclosed earnings, private bank accounts, hidden spending, unknown credit cards, lending money without agreement, neglecting bills, employment status change, business failure, major purchases without consultation
  • Sexual: extreme porn addictions, failure to disclose true orientation, betrayal, history
  • Relational: emotional attachments to other women, breaking marital agreements regarding other people (children, parents, in-laws, friends)

How does the ASD partner’s secret-keeping impact the neurotypical wife and marriage?

When dishonesty is a significant problem in a neurodiverse marriage, it often compounds the despair a neurotypical wife feels due to the baseline emotional deprivation that exists in their marriage. Neurotypical relationships tend to feel blindsided that such an emotionally intimate relationship could have such deceit, but neurodiverse marriages suffer from the sense of a double blow. The message to the neurotypical wife from her autistic husband is: “Not only do I not value emotional reciprocity with you on a daily basis in the ways that most married couples would expect and share, I am not interested in even telling you the truth. I am not interested in trusting you with any information that might change my access to what I want. I don’t value your input, and I see it as potentially thwarting my outcome. Nor do I think you deserve to have access to information that may impact you. I also fail to see how important trust is in our relationship and if you try to convince me otherwise, I will just view you as overly emotional, illogical and hypercritical.”

Secret-keeping, lies and withholding of information are crazy-making in any relationship, but it is extremely deleterious for a neurotypical wife in a neurodiverse marriage. It increases her trauma reaction that is likely already present, creates more hypervigilance, and usually she has physical symptoms from the stress of realizing how many miles apart she and her husband exist from even a modicum of reciprocity in their marriage. It also reinforces that deep, pervasive, devastating sense of “aloneness” in her “marriage.”

Interested in coaching services? Contact me for more information here.

The Extrapolation Mistake

Most of us notice qualities of character and integrity in those around us, and we feel comfortable in generalizing our observations. It seems reasonable to assume that if certain positive qualities are demonstrated in one setting, that those same positive qualities apply to other settings. For instance, when we observe someone being exceptionally kind to a child – we build a framework in our mind that informs us about that person’s tendencies.

When the neurotypical wife and ASD husband first begin dating, she is often initially attracted to many of his responsible qualities. Many neurotypical women endured childhoods that were filled with instability – abuse, neglect, trauma and/or caregivers who were mentally ill, personality-disordered, absent, or enslaved by addiction. Having survived tumultuous early years in life, the NT wife experiences the hard-working and intelligent ASD boyfriend as a calm from the storm. She can envision a future with him that feels safe. The ASD boyfriend seems to demonstrate so many qualities that would ensure a marriage and family built upon a solid foundation and partnership.

Because the ASD boyfriend is brilliant at work, there is an impression of his overall competence that is imprinted upon her perception of him. (While there are some ASD men who struggle to keep employment – for the purpose of this post, we are referring to the large percentage of Asperger’s Syndrome men who are very successful in their professional endeavors.) He appears dedicated, capable, focused and reliable. The framework in her mind is that this man has qualities which would lend to dependability in marriage.

NT women often have a history of childhood emotional neglect. As young girls, many were compelled to take on adult responsibilities far too early. The autistic boyfriend’s professional life is reassuring. It’s easy for her to generalize that he’s equally devoted and proficient in all aspects of adult life, especially when paired with the social-emotional masking that happens prior to the marriage. She believes he will be a partner whom she can rely upon to share responsibilities with, instead of taking on the over-functioning role of her childhood.

The autistic boyfriend is self-assured and well-respected for his authority and knowledge at work, but he is boyishly vulnerable with his neurotypical girlfriend during personal time. He may be far less confident when they are alone and in intimate moments. She’s charmed that such a professionally successful man is not sure-footed when he is trying to be close to her. It gives the impression that his feelings for her are sensitive and special. She believes he is gifting her with rare vulnerability, and it must be because his feelings for her are so strong.

The neurotypical girlfriend might also notice that unlike other men she’s dated, he is very respectful of her personal space. She does not feel threatened by his advances, because he’s reserved and cautious in initiating anything physical. He may even be a bit awkward. He might confess that he doesn’t have a lot of experience, which is endearing to his neurotypical girlfriend. This might make perfect sense to her, because he’s been so busy building his career – he didn’t have time for personal relationships until now. Many neurotypical women who marry autistic men have a history of sexual abuse, assault or trauma. As a result, neurotypical survivors are sometimes unconsciously avoidant of sexually assertive men. An autistic boyfriend is often lacking confidence, experience and skill in seducing his neurotypical girlfriend, so their intimate moments feel very safe – she can’t imagine being coerced by him.

The neurotypical woman is drawn to the dating experience of:

  • ASD attentiveness to her (she is often the special interest)
  • Observing his work ethic and professional success
  • His boyish charm & sexual inexperience or reservedness

She does not realize that after marriage or cohabitation, it often translates into:

  • ASD discard (losing her special interest status)
  • No energy put toward the household, family or marital relationship
  • Avoidance of sex, preference for porn, and sexual sensory overwhelm

The framework of his strengths and qualities as observed by her in his professional life, cannot be extrapolated to family life.

It is quite devastating for the neurotypical wife to realize that the strengths which drew her toward him initially, can in turn be the qualities which cause the most suffering for her in the long-term. It’s so painful for the neurotypical wife to observe that he can show up in the boardroom, or the science lab, or the tech conference and be fully present, engaged and dynamic. But at home, the relationship with his wife is not prioritized in the same way he has dedicated himself to professional success. He might be a corporate executive, but he lacks executive functioning in the home environment. He might have had very little intimate experience prior to meeting her, but perhaps that was not a lack of opportunity – and more so a lack of interest.

While the neurotypical wife usually maintains an admiration and sense of gratitude for her husband’s career achievement and dedication, she still anticipated a very different marital partnership. She expected his professional integrity to spill over into the same amount of energy and interest for his wife and family. She extrapolated that his professional passion, dedication and work ethic would be brought into the marriage with equal emphasis, and that is often not the case.

When do adult ASD meltdowns become manipulative?

Over the course of life, some ASD individuals might come to realize that emotional dysregulation can be used as a means in which to manipulate a desired outcome. While perhaps the majority of autistic meltdowns are sincerely the result of sensory and social-emotional overwhelm, it’s an unfortunate reality that sometimes ASD individuals use their frequent emotional dysregulation as a smokescreen in which to control or manipulate those around them. Generally speaking, manipulative meltdowns (and shutdowns) are borne out of desperation for the ASD partner to gain what they desire, or to act out against what they perceive as a wrongdoing ‘against’ them. (Neither fact lessens the impact nor damage of using maladaptive behaviors to gain control of results.)

How does an autistic individual learn that meltdowns are a means in which to meet their needs or preferences?

The longevity of ASD meltdowns often cannot be rivaled, whether in children or adults. Moms of autistic children struggle with feelings of powerlessness as they come to realize that the neurodiverse child is uniquely single-minded when distraught. Hearing the word “no” is often very aversive to a child with autism, and many also struggle with pathological demand avoidance. Both can be antecedents to meltdowns, along with sensory overload, social confusion, emotional overwhelm, etc. Distracting or diffusing an ASD child can be very challenging and sometimes impossible. The autistic toddler or child is often so immersed in distress that comfort is continuously resisted, and the only non-punitive measure a caregiver can take is to hold space until the child has fully released their meltdown. (Usually, punitive measures drastically increase the ASD child’s inconsolability and can then add trauma.) The volume, intensity, duration and frequency of ASD meltdowns may continuously increase as the child’s world gets bigger, more confusing and incontrollable. What is originally a toddler having age-appropriate tantrums becomes a furious teenager who is screaming, throwing things, threatening bodily harm to self and others when a boundary is set. It is understandable that many situations may arise in which a parent or caregiver cannot “wait out” a meltdown. Unfortunately, this lends to an ASD individual “learning” that if they persist in relentless meltdown mode – eventually the person withholding what they want will given in to their demands. (Again, there is no blame for exhausted caregivers in this scenario, it’s merely an explanation of what shapes the trajectory of social-emotional learning for ASD over time.)

What is the difference between an authentic meltdown (or shutdown) and a manipulative meltdown (or shutdown) in an autistic adult? (It is important to note we are discussing adults and not children at this juncture.)

Authentic meltdown in ASD adults have some or all of these characteristics – spontaneous occurrence, sometimes a slow work-up (called “rumbling,” plus a lack of insight into recognizing), reactive to sensory or social trigger, significant loss of body or behavioral control, may include stimming or bolting behaviors, happens with or without an audience, lack of rational thought, may have high occurrence of language that is uniquely characteristic of ASD (echolalia – repeating phrases, sounds, etc).

Manipulative meltdown in ASD adults (toward their partner) have some or all of these characteristics – threatened ahead of time, self-serving, possibly intended as a punishment or negatively impactful to the spouse, jeopardizes something important to the spouse, sometimes includes bargaining (claiming they will stop if they get what they want), transmits a message of defiance or adversarial opposition (vs. overwhelm), can serve to withhold help or invoke shame and embarrassment to partner (such as a looming social engagement), seems purposeful in timing and can often stop like a light switch. Verbally articulating blame towards his partner is common.

Both can include anger, rage, screaming, sobbing, throwing things, swearing, etc.

Many individuals with ASD strongly protest that a meltdown could ever be intentional or manipulative. This is black and white thinking, as of course it is not a universal issue for every autistic person. But, it DOES happen, and autistic adults are certainly cognitively capable of applying learned behavior to achieve their desired outcome. Tony Attwood, world-renowned autism expert, discusses this briefly in the book Neurodiverse Relationships by himself and Joanna Stevenson:

“How would you know if the meltdown was intentional?

The difference is in the eyes. In a genuine meltdown there is a look of absolute panic and despair: ‘I have to get out of here, I am overwhelmed.’ That’s versus a glint in the eye and a feeling that this is under cognitive control in an intended meltdown. It is hard to define, but sometimes you know by the circumstances if the meltdown is a bid to control. A meltdown is a constitutional part of Asperger’s syndrome, but that does not always mean it is out of the person’s control…. That is the issue – the lack of control. Then there’s the punishment of the apparent perpetrator, ‘You must be punished for doing something wrong.’ This ‘punishment’ will affect both the partner and the children of the person with AS. Quite often the AS parent is a strict disciplinarian and expects obedience and learning by fear rather than by compassion, understanding and explanation. …satisfactory resolution and closure is retribution and punishment. This is where the NT partner has to adjust their management strategies in various situations according to the developmental level of their partner, which may range from two-year-old temper tantrums to adolescence, despite the fact that, intellectually, their partner may be superior to others.”

Tony Attwood says additionally, in the same discussion:

“…the AS person, throughout childhood, may have learned that throwing a wobbly means that you get what you want. This learned behaviour can subsequently be used as manipulation. With an NT fearing the anger attack, they will do anything to prevent it. The threat of a meltdown can be used by the AS partner to deliberately manipulate situations. Sometimes the meltdown is due to a build-up of being overwhelmed by social, conversational, sensory and cognitive aspects. There is a build-up of tension that is released in the meltdown – but then the AS partner can start to use that as emotional blackmail. We are used to the term ‘international terrorism’; I call this ‘domestic terrorism’ – it achieves control in the family environment. Controlling by fear is basically bullying – which is ironic, because the person with Asperger’s syndrome has often been the focus of bullies at school.”

When we have an ASD partner who also has a character issue – that is, an unwillingness to recognize, acknowledge nor change the practice of bullying his partner and family – the neurotypical wife is subjected to abusive practices and left feeling very confused. She has compassion for his legitimate overwhelm, but he has put her in the position of feeling suspicious, hurt and in disbelief each time he becomes emotionally dysregulated. She has to spend valuable time and energy attempting to discern what is real distress and what is manufactured. She’s subjected to the relentless longevity of meltdowns (and shutdowns) that will stretch on and on until she relinquishes her boundaries. Over time, this dynamic diminishes her tolerance and empathy for his legitimate challenges, as it is unclear when he’s truly struggling vs. just bullying her to get what he wants.

What are some example scenarios in which an autistic husband is manipulating his wife through the threat of meltdown/shutdown?

Perhaps the NT wife needs to prepare for a special occasion with guests coming to the home. The ASD partner is occupied by his hobby, and is resentful that she has expectations for him to help clean, cook, bathe children, etc. He may be wholly uninterested in helping with mundane tasks to accomplish an invasion of his home (by his perception). To sabotage, he may use emotional dysregulation to discourage her from persisting in her requests, as it simply creates more work for her in having to convince him to help, or deal with his meltdown. This effectively frees him to continue spending time on his special interest instead of assisting his wife, and he may feel some measure of satisfaction if the event is stressful for her and possibly unlikely to be repeated.

The ASD husband may want to make a significant purchase in regard to his special interest. The NT wife is concerned that his spending is not within the budget, or is disproportionate to other needs of the family that need financial attention. The ASD partner is single-minded and cannot be persuaded by compromise (a specific timeline, etc). He might stonewall her (a shutdown symptom, but purposeful tactic in this scenario) and cease any communication, as well as withhold practical help or parenting duties, until she is overwhelmed enough to acquiesce and ultimately not protest his purchase any further.

The NT wife may have plans to have dinner out with her girlfriends. This social time is important for her and a rare event. She secures agreement from her husband that he will parent the children while she is away for a few hours. On the day of her plans, he begins to act resentfully toward her. He seems to pick a fight, finding fault or criticism where there was none intended. Having been through this before, the wife is increasingly anxious that he will refuse to watch the children when it’s time for her to leave. Sure enough, he announces to her that because she’s been so ‘mean’ to him, he isn’t going to help, and he starts to escalate when she reminds him of their agreement. She feels caught between leaving anyway and triggering his meltdown – potentially subjecting her children to his rage while she isn’t present – or keeping the peace and missing out on socializing.

The ASD partner has lost his job. Because structure and routine is very important to his daily functioning, the absence of his usual activity quickly descends into executive dysfunction. He settles into staying up all night, playing video games, sleeping late into the day, and otherwise relaxing with his phone. He ignores household and parenting duties that could be prioritized with his extra time. When the wife becomes increasingly urgent about his need to look for more employment, he warns her repeatedly to not bring it up again, or he’s going to ‘freak out.’ If she persists, he treats her to the beginning of a meltdown, which effectively holds her hostage to the status quo – choosing between his anger and resistance, or calm at the price of income and employment for him.

As we can see, when one of the most difficult aspects of ASD behavior is weaponized by the autistic spouse, it can create a multitude of difficulties for the neurotypical wife who over time, will be continuously worn down (and have her trust in his good intentions eroded) by trying to avoid the threat of punishment in her marriage.

The tyranny of ASD rules in a neurodiverse marriage

ASD individuals are often very uncomfortable with change, and have a strong need for predictability. Black and white thinking that is common with autism also lends itself to narrow ideas about the way in which life should happen. In a marriage, rigid inflexibility can begin to feel like a dictatorship for the neurotypical wife when compromise has not been established. Compromise can be viewed in a negative manner for the ASD spouse, as he often has strongly developed opinions paired with all or nothing thinking, giving him the perception that opinions and preferences are either right or wrong. Finding a grey area can feel like “losing” to the autistic spouse, even if he is gaining a portion of his preference. He might view compromise as her attempt to withhold what he wants and create discord, even when her intent is to find common ground.

Black and white thinking is a highly challenging component of neurodiverse marriages.

The neurotypical wife is often very willing to “meet halfway” when negotiating with her autistic spouse. She is flexible with give and take, understanding we all need to make adjustments in life. She has the ability to take perspective, which means she can imagine the thoughts and feelings driving the inclination behind a request. Knowing her autistic husband’s preferences, the neurotypical wife is often quick to accommodate him – especially in the early years, as her hope to maintain or restore connection is still at the forefront. Her desire to please him and promote unity becomes a pattern of deferring to his wishes, which essentially becomes the status quo of the relationship. She notices that if she pushes back on his preferences, he may become emotionally dysregulated. Even after heartbreak has led to severe disillusionment, she may still defer to his wishes because she hopes to avoid meltdowns and shutdowns (and in cases of abuse – punishment). At this point, the NT wife often feels that she is walking on eggshells to avoid discord with her ASD husband. Breaking his rules elicits blame from him, which is very painful for a NT wife who strives so hard to be above reproach. He may feel entitled to her unswerving cooperation as he believes it to be simply the way in which their relationship functions. Additionally, he tends to strongly believe that his manner of preference is not just an opinion, but the only good, right and correct way to proceed.

Rules help create a framework for the ASD partner to feel safe. He feels more in control of his environment (and often his intimate relationships, which largely confuse him) when he can impose “the right way of doing things.” However, just as there cannot be a rule for every eventuality when teaching the ASD partner about social expectations, rules can also not be unequivocally followed. Marriage and family life require flexibility.

These are some examples of rules that I commonly hear, which perhaps someone outside of a neurodiverse relationship would find surprising (alongside the unspoken rule that follows it):

Spoken rule: There is a right way and a wrong way to load the dishwasher (or do any particular chore). Unspoken rule: Failing to load the dishwasher “correctly,” is an intentional slight meant to cause conflict and ignore his lesson on efficiency.

Spoken rule: Money should never be frivolously spent. Unspoken rule: the ASD partner is entitled to unilaterally decide what is worthy of expense.

Spoken rule: The husband works outside of the home. The wife is a stay at home mom. Unspoken rule: Mom takes care of the kids all day, every day, whether it’s the weekend or not, AND she’s responsible for all household chores since “she doesn’t have a job.” If she’s sick, busy or otherwise worn out – too bad, it’s the rule of her role. Expecting help or flexibility from him might be considered wildly imposing, unfair and deviating from “the rule.”

In households with ASD partners who are prone to significant meltdowns or shutdowns (including stonewalling), often the #1 Unspoken Rule is that the ASD partner’s preferences have to be followed in order to keep the peace. His expectations become the standard to which everyone in the family is held, because the ASD partner has difficulty understanding that other people have different and valid viewpoints. The wife and family want to avoid his reaction to rules not being followed at all costs – including at the price of autonomy and personhood.

ASD rules and expectations become a way of life in many neurodiverse homes. Often, a wife will come to coaching and share that agreements made with her husband are not being upheld by him. A common situation is that her husband agrees to complete a household project, such as installing an appliance. Perhaps she is capable of installing the appliance, but he insists she is not ‘permitted’ to do it. He may have reasons for it, most of which come down to her potentially not doing it “the right way.” He continuously promises to get to it, but time passes and still the family is living without a clothes dryer. When I suggest that she set one more deadline and inform him that if it is not installed by X date, she is hiring help – the NT wife might respond with lots of fear. “Oh, no. I can’t do that. He would be so angry at me for spending money on something he can do himself. He’ll also be mad that I just couldn’t wait for him to get to it.” She is sincerely afraid of setting and holding a boundary. (She may also have genuine budget concerns and it is very difficult to let go of the fact that her husband IS capable of doing it, but simply will not prioritize it.) However, she is clearly conditioned to accommodate his rules to avoid his anger. It has almost escaped her notice that following his rules has become a hostage situation, where she is forced to either 1) obey his rules and go without a needed appliance for an interminable amount of time 2) disobey his preference and face his reaction 3) disobey his preference, face his reaction AND feel guilty about spending money on what could have been saved, IF he followed through on agreements. She feels like there is no way to safely meet her needs. (It’s worth noting that boundaries are important and will feel very uncomfortable at first, but setting them is how we begin to change the dynamic within the marriage.)

Since there are so many aspects that go into managing ASD life due to sensory overload, social confusion, the need for routine and predictability – lots of little rules exist, too, even if they are followed unconsciously. The emotional labor of abiding by these rules takes a toll on the NT wife. I’ve had women tell me she “can’t”:

  • buy food for herself that her husband doesn’t like
  • bake cookies from a different recipe than the one he’s used to
  • deviate from the typical meal schedule, both in what is cooked and what time it is ready
  • have conversations with him in the car, listen to music or permit children to speak – too overwhelming for him to safely drive
  • touch the household thermostat and adjust the temperature to her liking
  • skip shaving because otherwise he’s disturbed by stubble on her legs
  • purchase any non-grocery item without his agreement
  • plan a typical family vacation because it’s too much disruption & stress for him
  • watch a movie with him that isn’t his choice
  • expect him to take turns with nighttime parenting – the impact of being tired is far too great on his daytime functioning, and she’s used to over-functioning
  • suggest anything spontaneous, like even a walk after dinner, or an impromptu date night
  • request him to do a chore immediately without prior notice – it doesn’t matter if a kid vomited all over the couch, it can wait until he’s ready on his timeline
  • have company or baby-sitters in the house
  • socialize without him – he resents her time outside of the home, because it’s stressful for him and outside of the family routine

…the list goes on and on.

The reality is that many accommodations the NT wife makes could be considered fair, just and loving – IF the ASD partner reciprocates with adjustments for things that are important to his wife. Or, at the very least – takes responsibility for his preferences that are within his own control. (Examples: wearing pajama pants to bed so he doesn’t have to feel her unshaven legs, if it bothers him. Skip eating the chocolate chip cookies, even if they aren’t his favorite. Wear noise muffling headphones in the car. Encourage her to meet her needs for practical help or personal time, even if it means spending money. Allow her to guide him into what is reasonable, and learn skills to tolerate the distress of practicing flexibility.)

The ASD partner doesn’t usually intend to be tyrannical. He is highly overwhelmed by the world around him, and making rules help him feel safe. He struggles to understand the impact of his rules on those around him. When an ASD partner comes to coaching and says, “it just seems so unfair that I have to learn all of these strategies to make her neurotypical brain happy” – it can be helpful to expand his theory of mind by examining ways in which his NT wife has been accommodating his autistic brain all along. Often, he is quite surprised to think about all of the ways she has silently shown him love by keeping his needs ever-present in her mind for the entirety of their marriage. Sometimes he has genuinely thought that she, too, prefers silent car rides and enjoys getting up with babies in the middle of the night while he sleeps. No, she endures many things that she prefers not to do, because she loves her husband and needs her family home to be peaceful and functional. He is often motivated by learning that her mood, energy and attitude toward him might greatly improve if there is effort on his part to build skills that will increase reciprocity in the marriage. While that may seem an obvious conclusion to a neurotypical, cause and effect is sometimes quite challenging for the ASD brain and abstract concepts like reciprocity and mutuality need to be broken down into specifics. As I tell him and all of my clients, there is always hope for a marriage when BOTH partners are willing to learn, bend and grow.

When a neurotypical wife has twisted herself into a pretzel with the cumulative effect of accommodating an ASD husband’s needs, the impact can be quite substantial. Knowing that a meltdown or shutdown is looming creates a sense of hypervigilance. This contributes to a sense of danger inside of her, instilling fear, and often resulting in outward expressions of anger. Chronic stress, heightened cortisol, adrenal overload – the long-term impact of “rules” in an ASD household have detrimental health implications for the NT wife. The one-sided nature of the neurodiverse household is certainly a contributing factor to Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome, and it manifests as mental health challenges and chronic health issues. Righting the balance in a neurodiverse marriage is essential for the neurotypical wife’s wellness.

(Also worth noting: A NT wife is often raising neurodiverse children. All of whom likely have their own unspoken rules, preferences and sensitivities. This post cannot begin to even delve into the complication of managing multiple ASD individuals who have a plethora of rules in regard to “how things should go” in daily life. It all contributes to overload for the neurotypical wife, who for the sake of survival must keep it all in mind, accommodate and then spend significant time diffusing the result from upset to routines and expectations.)

The role of fear in the neurodiverse relationship

When the neurotypical wife marries her autistic husband after a dating period that was likely spent basking (unknowingly) in the role of his special interest, the attention of those early months or years is deeply imprinted upon her heart and mind. She is built for tenderness, connection and reciprocity. Having received such devotion for an extended period time is very bonding for her, and it creates an incredible feeling of emotional safety. When his hyper-focus all but disappears (usually after marriage), she is rightfully disoriented. She is driven to regain his attention, engagement and reassurance of love. She wants more than anything to feel the safety of his attachment again.

In the early months and years after his focus has shifted, the neurotypical wife feels essentially abandoned on an island by herself. Consider, if you will: she sees her autistic husband in the distance, on his boat, motoring around, perhaps lounging in the sun, exploring sea life and totally oblivious to her waving, jumping, shouting and begging from shore to be noticed. He occasionally comes close and perhaps gets out of the boat to fish alongside her (to meet his need for food). She collapses upon him in relief and joy, perhaps tinged with some anger that it took him so long. She might fall asleep next to him, clinging on for dear life in the comfort of his presence. But, he feels trapped by her desperation. She awakens to notice that he and his boat have gone again, in the middle of the night, and without a word. The disappointment is crushing. She thought, momentarily, that perhaps she was no longer alone. Instead, the connection with him has slipped through her fingers – and she’s abandoned, along again on an island.

Living with a partner who regularly ignores her need for connection reinforces a deep insecurity within the neurotypical wife. The chronic nature of deprivation – with intermittent and inadequate attention sprinkled in – creates a frenetic desire and preoccupation with striving for more. When she experiences a little bit of notice from him, it re-doubles her belief that perhaps he can give more – again? Like he used to? Because she is starved for the tenderness, warmth, mutuality and gentleness that she was once accustomed to in great supply from him. She is built for reciprocal nurturing. Yet, the relentless rollercoaster ride of unmet needs persistently unfulfilled creates an ever-present sense of danger. Her body exists in fight or flight mode as she’s busily trying to gain and keep his attention to quiet the fear. Even when he’s with her, she might have difficulty feeling safe because she’s anticipating the discard to come. It wears out her adrenals over time, and it alienates her autistic husband who wants nothing to do with pressure, demands, expectations and feeling thwarted from his personal agenda, interests and goals. Meltdowns and shutdowns ensue to gain the distance he needs from the engulfment of her emotions that confuse and frustrate him. He experiences his wife’s insecurity as anger, blame, and criticism. It is difficult for him to see beneath the surface and recognize that her outward anger is propelled from fear due to ever-looming danger of emotional abandonment.

Safety is the antidote to danger and fear. Those who have undergone trauma need to feel safe. The concept of “felt safety” is abstract in nature, but it can be built in a neurodiverse marriage when both partners are willing to equally contribute to the shared responsibility of maintaining a safe relationship.

One point of reflection for NT women is building awareness of self-abandonment. We must believe someone when they show us who they are. When we place our worth and needs in the hands of someone unwilling to do the work in which to meet a reasonable portion our needs, we activate a sense of danger for ourselves. If the well of compassion is dry, not just by nature of his limitations – but his choices – we must begin to detach from waiting for what he chooses to not learn nor provide. We must not compound emotional abandonment from the autistic spouse with self-abandonment. In the metaphor of an island, we must remember that we can build our own boat, we can jerry-rig a raft, we can swim into unknown waters – if that’s what it takes. The path to safety is not just through his actions or skills, but the boundaries and self-care we can provide for ourselves.

The harm of minimizing neglect in a neurodiverse marriage

In our society, the concept of physical abuse is perceived as more egregious than other forms of abuse, and certainly more heinous than the idea of neglect. If a woman has been physically harmed, it is more universally accepted as intolerable behavior from an intimate partner. Outsiders to the marriage have an easier time imagining how destructive the experience of physical abuse is – such as hitting, kicking, punching, choking, beating, etc. It’s worth noting that verbal, emotional, and financial abuse – and even the idea of rape within marriage – are often minimized by our culture, too. However, generally speaking, the word abuse signifies extremely unacceptable mistreatment. An abuse victim is largely met with care, compassion and support. Seeking separation or divorce is met with less judgment from outsiders when domestic violence of a physical nature has occurred.

A NT wife struggles to impart the devastating impact of chronic neglect within her marriage to a neurodiverse husband.

Neglect is minimized in our culture. It is recognized as an issue primarily between parents and children. Babies who aren’t fed, children who are left dangerously unsupervised. Neglect is much wider in scope than the bare minimum of food and safety, yet consideration for the emotional needs of others is a more abstract concept. It is often a somewhat indefinable grey area for many to distinguish. How much nurturing and attention does a baby, child or adult need from others, in order to flourish?

It’s challenging for most neurotypical women to articulate what neglect looks like inside their marriages. It’s also a struggle for those around her to understand the cumulative effect and impact. When she tries to say, he sleeps so very much, every weekend. She might be met with, “well, he works hard! He’s just tired! Let him have some rest!” She is put in the position of trying to justify why it isn’t a surface problem – it isn’t merely the act of sleep. It’s the chronic deprivation of time, attention and bonding with him that is not prioritized. She might try to enumerate other issues that, when picked apart, can look very petty and small. Her support system, and even a marriage counselor unfamiliar with neurodiverse relationships, might view her as unreasonable in her expectations.

It is traumatizing for a neurotypical woman to find herself needing to be understood, but unable to convince others of her profound aloneness. Trauma is not just what happens to us, but being alone or disbelieved in our experience. Often, others are quite dismissive of anecdotal behaviors that a neurotypical wife might desperately draw upon to convey her experience. Outsiders to the neurodiverse marriage cannot conceptualize the storm that converges from daily acts of neglectful behaviors which lead to neurotypical despair. When an autistic husband is excessively sleeping, and absorbed in his special interest, and ignoring the household, and ignoring parenting duties, and avoiding conversation, and avoiding recreation and avoiding intimacy with his wife – on a daily basis – it is a combination of devastating neglect.

When she is unsupported in the reality of neglect within her marriage, the neurotypical wife questions her experience and options. She is confused by how invisible she is to her husband. Frequently, she has lost confidence in her own self worth. A marriage is only two people, and it is only him who can be her husband within the relationship. Yet the more she begs him for time, attention and help, the more he resists, perhaps denies, and avoids her. He may be genuinely anxious and perplexed as to why she is so dissatisfied with the relationship, when he is perfectly content (other than her complaints and demands). If she begins to contemplate divorce, she might be met with shock or derision from her friends and family. How can she justify ending the marriage when there isn’t abuse……….?

Because of our cultural understanding of abuse and underdeveloped comprehension of how severe and damaging neglect can be, terming it as deprivational abuse is sometimes helpful in the pursuit of understanding from others. Additionally, it can help the ASD spouse put his behavior in appropriate context if he chooses to persist in ignoring her reasonable request for improvement.

What makes chronic emotional neglect fairly termed as abuse? Again, it is important to understand that neglect is merely the flip side of abuse, whether it is fully distinguished as such, or not, by the average person. The murky area in a relationship with an autistic spouse is that he may not intend to neglect, abuse or deprive his wife. He may be genuinely without the skills in which to meet or even discern her needs. How can it be abuse, or even neglect, if he doesn’t understand what he is supposed to do?

Problematic and harmful behaviors within a marriage become abusive when a partner is unwilling to improve and change behavior. Being “sorry” is useless if an apology does not come with a commitment to do better. When he is informed of her needs and the harmful impact of his behaviors, he has a duty to repair and progress forward. If he is unwilling to learn how to adjust his behavior and strive to meet her needs, then that is an egregious withholding of care for his partner. Failing to take action and make changes is neglectful, and can be termed deprivational abuse (for those who need help comprehending how grievous his indifference is for her). While it is not his fault that he is unable to intuitively meet or understand her needs, it is his choice and responsibility to build skills and seek consultation if necessary. The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy.

Why does a neurotypical wife choose an ASD husband?

Many neurotypical wives struggle with understanding how they were drawn to choose their ASD partner, when so much of the marriage has been spent longing for emotional engagement. With highly empathic natures – how did they not recognize his difficulty with emotional reciprocity?

A neurotypical wife was once a little girl who likely experienced love as a sense of longing.

Masking during the dating phase is very real, and certainly a significant component that greatly blurs the social-emotional deficits of an ASD man. Still, masking cannot happen 100% of time time, even if just dating and not living together. So what happens when those glimmers of autism peek through during the dating phase? How can autism draw in an emotionally intelligent, neurotypical woman?

When we examine the word “autism,” it is comprised of two parts: aut, which is from the Greek word “autos,” meaning – “self;” and “ism,” which is also from Greek, and means “a state of being or underlying condition.” This definition can be connotated in a negative way, but it is important to focus on the denotation. Autism is the state of self-focus. Autism is selfism. Autistic individuals struggle to see beyond their own perspective, and are unintentionally oblivious to the feelings and experience of those around them.

The origin of autism’s self-focus is neurological and developmental in type. The inability to intuitively understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, motivations and intentions is a deficit that stems from nature, not nurture. While emotional empathy is involuntary for a neurotypical, it is a cognitive skill that must be developed for an ASD husband. He is capable of learning, with practice, how to take his wife’s perspective through imagination and drawing upon his own experiences. However, it is not neurologically possible for emotional empathy to be an intuitive or involuntary process for him.

Although quite different in origin, other disorders of pervasive self-focus exist. Often, a neurotypical wife was once a little girl who learned that love is a feeling of longing – to be recognized as a person with needs, feelings and value. The adults around her were self-absorbed, instead of attuned to her needs.

It’s unusual for a neurotypical wife to be from a family of origin who met her emotional needs consistently, handled conflict with open communication, and valued her authentic personhood. Instead, usually the neurotypical wife shares one or more of these attributes:

  • adult child of an alcoholic or addict
  • adult child of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) parent, or another personality disorder (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) & Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are common)
  • adult child of a very chaotic, abusive environment
  • parentified at a young age with a sense of over-responsibility
  • early loss of a parent or sibling in childhood
  • experienced pervasive childhood emotional neglect or other trauma
  • has a diagnosis of PTSD, anxiety or depression
  • unresolved sexual, physical, verbal or emotional abuse in her history
  • adult child of a father or mother with ADHD or ASD (usually undiagnosed)

When we consider the above disorders and the description of autism as selfism, we see a theme that overlaps between them all: self-absorption.

Self-absorption is certainly part of addiction and personality disorders. Addicts are obsessed with abusing their substance, which is essentially a special interest. Parents with a personality disorder are inherently turned inward. They view their children as an extension of themselves, not an individual with their own personhood. There is little tolerance or curiosity about the child, just expectations for them to fulfill. A child surviving abuse, neglect or trauma is accustomed to deprivation of safety, and also an attachment to her abusers in some cases. Obviously, individuals who chronically neglect or abuse children demonstrate a profound disregard for others. A little girl who is subjected to mistreatment, and left alone to handle her trauma without support, is sadly primed to accept emotional abandonment as normal.

The neurotypical wife may have developed her high emotional intelligence through the necessity of reading the self-absorbed adults around her. Whether it was to keep herself safe (avoid abuse or wrath), earn love and attention, or caretake destructive parents – the neurotypical wife learned to quickly anticipate the needs of self-focused others (and ignore herself). She may struggle with feeling worthy of love and attention, since it was scarcely offered and not sustained by those who were supposed to be devoted to her.

We can begin to understand why a NT wife with a certain history might be vulnerable to a dynamic that hinted of longing, while simultaneously feeling very fulfilling – at first. Those moments with her boyfriend that perhaps allowed a glimpse into his poor theory of mind skills, or lack of emotional engagement – were easily pushed aside when his hyper-focus returned. (Nothing is more powerful than intermittent reinforcement to keep a child or a vulnerable woman doggedly “trying” to connect with someone they love.) We also see why a NT woman is apt to run herself into the ground, contorting herself in accommodation of her ASD spouse, in hopes he might awaken to her inherent value and personhood. She learned in childhood that to be loved, she must become indispensable and never-needy to those who are entirely focused on themselves. We are not allowed to have needs as a child if our parent is an addict or inherently disordered in personality or character. Unconsciously choosing a partner who does not allow her to have needs, either, is very understandable. We recognize love in what feels familiar. A partner’s selfism feels familiar to the neurotypical wife.

It’s important for the NT wife to understand her history in connection with her relationship. If she has been conditioned through childhood to find a state of longing both familiar and excruciating, it helps her to deepen self-awareness and enact change.

Why do ASD husbands experience neurotypical feelings as an attack?

The communication difficulties between NT/ASD partners is usually a primary source of conflict, hurt and misunderstanding. The neurotypical wife feels very isolated and hopeless when the ASD husband is unable to receive her feelings and perspective. A neurotypical woman needs her intimate partner to be her softest place to land, the primary spot where she is received with empathy, kindness, warmth and understanding. Unfortunately, the autistic husband is often overwhelmed by her feelings and this makes it very difficult for him to hold space.

Honest communication is an inherent part of any healthy marital relationship. Spouses should be able to both give and receive honest feedback to one another. Unfortunately, this can function like a minefield in a NT/ASD relationship. Many neurotypical women report that their husbands perceive her feelings universally as criticism, and a personal attack. Sharing her feelings can quickly escalate to a serious conflict with her Asperger’s Syndrome husband.

DARVO is an an acronym that stands for DENY, ARGUE, REVERSE VICTIM & OFFENDER. Unfortunately, this is a common communication pattern in ASD marriages when the neurotypical wife brings her feelings to a discussion. The autistic husband might view her feelings in black and white, right or wrong terms. This might be reflected in him denying the content of what she is sharing. He might say – no, that didn’t happen, because he disagrees from a perspective of literalism. Or, her feelings are “wrong,” because his behavior isn’t inappropriate (by his estimation). He didn’t intend to be hurtful, so she shouldn’t feel hurt. This is terribly invalidating to the NT wife, who is yet again experiencing deprivation of empathic engagement. An argument ensues, and the husband is now angry – he insists that she apologize for being so critical, negative and accusatory toward him. He may spiral into all or nothing statements, like “he can’t do anything right, she always attacks him.” The neurotypical wife is possibly further villainized if she doesn’t swiftly jump to apologizing and reassuring the ASD spouse. Yet………………………………………………this conversation was supposed to be about HER grievances.

Many circumstances contribute to the autistic partner’s perception of criticism when his wife shares her feelings, such as:

  1. Autistic individuals often think in black and white terms. If he is judged as doing something “wrong,” then he feels irredeemably “ALL” wrong in his mind. Holding two opposing thoughts is difficult for the ASD husband. He has difficulty knowing that his strengths and good points still exist – simultaneously – with her disappointment in other aspects of his behavior.
  2. Feeling inherently bad, wrong, unlikeable, etc., is usually very triggering for the ASD spouse. Most autistic individuals have experienced a great deal of bullying in life, especially in childhood. He can perceive his wife’s feelings as her presenting evidence of his innately flawed self. Her dissatisfaction over his behavior is perceived as a rejection of him vs. his actions. (Example: “my behavior is disappointing” vs. “I am disappointing.”)
  3. His poor theory of mind skills (also called “mind-blindness,” or lacking intuitive empathy) present difficulty in imagining her intention in approaching him, or what pain is motivating it. He is consumed by his own engulfing feelings of shame and defensiveness, possibly crowded out by anger. The autistic spouse places value on his intent, and struggles to see that his intention does not minimize the harmful impact upon her.

When the conversation about her feelings is turned upside down, the neurotypical wife is left feeling outraged (and broken-hearted) that she cannot communicate her honest feelings and be heard by her husband, Her feelings that were the original point of the conversation are no longer the focus – she must repair his feelings, accept his perspective of her intent and perhaps be treated to his silence, anger, shutdown or meltdown.

Sometimes, an ASD husband will ask me, “why should I listen to her feelings when they’re really just complaints about me? She just wants to treat me like a punching bag.” I will tell him, “the way that a neurotypical wife solves a problem is to communicate. Her sharing hurt feelings about your behavior in the relationship is an attempt to be understood. She hopes that if you understand her pain, then you will modify your behavior. Bringing her “complaints” directly to you is a hopeful thing, because she is inviting you to help solve the problem, and it also means she believes you are capable of solving it.” This is often a mind-blowing revelation for an ASD spouse, because his experience with hearing negative things about himself is usually in the context of bullies who get a thrill out of hurting him. To realize that his wife is actually trying to problem-solve at heart is helpful and concrete to him. The more abstract concepts that a neurotypical wife wants – of being heard, seen, understood intuitively, and met with remorse – are difficult to convey. But we can start with problem-solving. If he can “see” her need to change the problem behavior and not personalize it as hatred for him – but actually confidence in his potential – then he’s less flooded with anxiety and defensiveness. This helps increase the likelihood of the NT wife having her needs met to a certain degree, instead of not at all.

Autism & Grief for the NT wife

The autism community is frequently vocal about how marginalized they feel when neurotypicals share their personal experience of marriage with ASD partners. They often express that neurotypicals have a lack of tolerance for autistic behaviors, that we perpetuate negative stereotypes of autism, that we are ableist and discriminatory and infantalizing (by merely voicing our perspective). Essentially, it seems to be a common perception that our neurotypical needs and expectations within an intimate partnership shamelessly promote disdain or contempt for autism.

Sometimes a neurotypical wife feels shut out from truly connecting with her ASD husband, as if a wall of glass separates them.

It’s my experience and observation that neurotypical women married to autistic men, and often raising neurodiverse children, feel anything BUT hatred toward autism. What I notice in NT wives and mothers is a deep grief toward autism sometimes. Grief includes many difficult feelings, some of which might be anger and frustration, yes. Autism can feel like a window of glass separating us from true connection with the ones that we love most in the world. We see our beloved spouse and children on the other side; we can hear them and try our best to communicate with them through the glass – but there is no ability to truly touch one another, or to easily hear each other. And the glass makes it difficult to understand the nuances of our tone, to make out of every single word or the complexities of our meaning. Sometimes we have to truncate our speech and swallow the words we wish we could share, just to convey the most basic and concrete message. But we are built to be wordy, to share freely and fully, and that is simply too much to be understood through a thick wall of glass. The neurotypical is left perpetually yearning to embrace and be embraced by the ones we love so fiercely. But all we can do is place our hand on the glass and look inside at their inner world, never fully belonging. Knowing that usually they are most content in that inner world (without us). It’s a wound in our neurotypical hearts. Grief is all the love we desire to give, knowing it cannot be received to the fullest extent we hope to impart.

There is no hatred for autism. There is frustration, and longing and even fury sometimes. There is a protective fear when we witness the unique vulnerabilities of autism in our husbands and children, many of which are invisible to the world around us but so fully displayed in our homes. There is a feeling of obligation toward autism, because we worry for our children and how they will navigate adulthood without our care and supervision. We worry when our husbands have burnout or shutdowns and seemingly need to escape us and the world. It is sometimes a misplaced sense of worry and responsibility, but it exists. We puzzle over how our family members can be so brilliant, perhaps very academically and professional successful, yet struggle with fundamental executive functioning. We know if they forget to eat, or can’t get up on time, or get overwhelmed by noise, or didn’t sleep well or are exhausted from masking – a spiral might happen. We feel like a one-woman crisis prevention team – out of love, though sometimes misplaced responsibility. Trying to protect our autistic loved ones from the very symptoms of autism that make their lives so hard sometimes. Does autism have extraordinary gifts and talents? Yes. And also extraordinary vulnerabilities that break our empathic, neurotypical hearts.

I witness the way that neurotypical wives and mothers give until they are spent, nearly always unseen, not needing recognition but wishing for some sense of understanding from their family members. They dig deep to continue giving at their own expense. Neurotypical women carry a profound sense of over-responsibility. They over-function because their autistic loved ones need caretaking and accommodating.

Grief for autism includes all the stages. I see when women try to bargain with their spouses. We have all done it. Please, please, please. I will do this, if you will do that. I will do this even if you don’t do that! Because it has to be done! The desperate, frazzled begging and pleading for change. Forgetting that there is a ceiling from neurological limitation, and that light switch can’t happen. The ASD partner needs structure, accountability, concrete and specific instructions – preferably from someone who is NOT her, because he doesn’t want to feel controlled. And he feels controlled when she requests that he finds someone to help fix this enormous disconnect between them. So she keeps trying to bargain, increasing the grief, which increases his anxiety, and drives him further into avoidance and resentment. There is denial when perhaps he goes through a season of having energy to try really, really hard (usually after she’s threatened to leave or he realizes there is a point of no return approaching). She thinks perhaps all the difficulty is behind them. The depression, another part of grief, starts to lift. But he can only mask for so long, and then it becomes hard again, and she is crushed. Because autism is hard in an intimate relationship for a neurotypical woman. It just is. And stating it is not hatred for autism, it is not being ableist, it is not discriminatory.

Perhaps some are still offended to know that autism causes feelings of grief in neurotypical women. And that’s okay. Feelings are not wrong, they just exist. Acceptance is also a stage of grief, and I find that when both partners can strive to accept each other’s feelings and differing needs as simply existing vs. being right or wrong, there is a lessening of sorrow.

The Impact of Porn Use on a Neurodiverse Marriage

Many neurodiverse marriages are sexless. Quite often, the neurotypical wife is deeply grief-stricken at the lack of sexual intimacy in her marriage. She mourns the physical connection she hoped to have with her ASD husband. It’s too embarrassing to confide in any of her friends that her husband won’t have sex with her, so she’s very alone with her pain and confusion.

The neurotypical wife is often heartbroken to realize that her ASD husband has an easier time with porn vs. marital sexual intimacy.

The autistic spouse might not fully understand nor articulate why he avoids intimacy with her, and may even offer explanations that seem unlikely, or offer false hope and shift blame to her. He may tell her that he DOES want to have sex with her. A circular conversation ensues, where she points out that he doesn’t initiate and when she initiates, he turns her down. He may then say such things like, “I don’t like how you smell,” which is of course a function of his sensory difficulties – but is excruciating for the neurotypical wife to hear. Other things my clients have been told: “I thought your vagina would smell like strawberries, but it doesn’t.” “I can’t stand having to touch your vulva. It’s too squishy.” “It feels awful to be inside of you.” “Your pubic hair reminds me of worms crawling on your skin.” “Touching your clitoris makes me feel like my finger is drowning.”

Some of the above statements are probably shocking to read, but trust me when I say it is the tip of the iceberg. I don’t fault ASD partners for struggling to express their sensory experience in a way that is not hurtful, but I will say that intention does not diminish impact. As much as I can reassure a neurotypical wife that these comments from her autistic spouse are said in this manner because of his concrete, literal brain and fueled by his distress over the sensory aspects – it does not lessen the harm this imposes on her sense of worth, value and desirability.

Conversations about the lack of sex produce anxiety in both partners. Feeling blamed for the lack of sex, he may lean hard into the narrative about her natural body state being intolerable to him, perhaps lacking insight that his sensitivities are quite high. Feeling hurt, she may offer honest feedback to him about how robotic his lovemaking is and that she wishes he could read her cues better about what feels good. This offends him, which further pushes him away, and she is left hurt and reeling to know that he is so repelled by things she cannot change about herself.

As months or years stretch on, the neurotypical wife becomes curious to know how her husband is coping with his lack of sex. Is he asexual? Has he sought out a new partner? How can he possibly live without the touch that she craves?

In my coaching practice, I have heard from many ASD men that they were introduced to porn at quite a young age. As we can imagine, a young boy with social confusion and poor abstract thinking would find porn to be a goldmine of information. Gone is the wondering of how sex works! Unfortunately, a young boy also lacks context and does not understand that porn rarely depicts realistic intimacy between a man and a woman. Additionally, porn is a mesmerizing dopamine hit for his brain, making it quite addictive. However, the most damaging aspects of porn for a specifically autistic husband are these things:

  1. He conditions himself to experience sex as an observer, not as a participant
  2. He associates sexual feelings with sensory deprivation of a woman’s scent, touch, taste, feel
  3. He does not have to practice considering the feelings or needs of any partner

Porn is problematic for many relationships, not just mixed-neurological connections. For an ASD husband, when porn is used at the exclusion of his neurotypical spouse and further entrenches him into habits that are counterproductive for his primary intimate relationship, his use of porn is rightfully experienced as a very grave betrayal for his neurotypical wife.

Sensory Issues & Sex in a Neurodiverse Marriage

Sensory issues can be the root of much heartbreak in the sexual dynamics of a marital relationship between a neurotypical wife and her ASD husband.

A neurotypical wife often feels terribly rejected by her autistic husband who avoids having sex with her.

Neurotypical wives often come to me with a deep sense of shame, despair and sorrow that they have not had sex with their autistic husbands in years. Some will share that kissing no longer happens either, and that the affection is limited to hugs or basic pecks on the cheek. She is heartbroken by the rejection, and lost in confusion as to how this happened. Early on in their dating life, sex seemed amazing and connected. How could it have been so great, and now – he avoids it? Or perhaps due to religious beliefs, the couple waited until after marriage to be physically intimate. Despite so much anticipation while dating, their sex life never really went past the awkward stage, and then quickly became very infrequent.

Aside from her shame at feeling undesired by her husband, the neurotypical wife feels very isolated in her experience. Most of her friends talk about their husbands wanting more sex, not less. She certainly does not know anyone who is routinely rejected by her husband, and after exhaustively trying to discuss it, entice him or otherwise change course – the NT wife turns inward, blaming herself. He must not be attracted to her anymore. right? Additionally, perhaps the NT wife has discovered that her ASD husband is an avid porn user while avoiding sex with her. Her heart is broken at the betrayal that he would rather deal with his sexual energy in a way that excludes her, despite the begging and pleading for intimacy with him. It is soul-crushing to realize that he certainly does have a sex drive, it just isn’t one that craves her. (More about this in a follow-up post.)

While many ASD marriages between a neurotypical partner and autistic spouse are sexless, sometimes it is present but infrequent. Many NT women have shared with me that sex can sometimes be mired in rituals and rules. He may require that she she shower and dry her hair before sex, each and every time, immediately prior to their intimacy. Only one sexual position is permitted. His eyes might be tightly shut the entire time. Activities happen in a certain sequence. She must have a towel underneath her at all times. After the act is finished, he hops up and gets in the shower alone. There is no afterglow of cuddling or closeness. Why does her hair have to be dry? Why is he worried about the bed being damp? Why is only one position acceptable?

It may seem arbitrary, but the sensory input of wet hair is too overwhelming, and the same situation with the sheets. Some ASD men have difficulty conceptualizing and feeling their bodies in space, due to sensory integration issues. A sexual position that provides too much pressure, or not enough, during intercourse can impact arousal and ability to orgasm. The result is an inflexible lovemaking routine that is confusing for the NT wife (and sometimes feels shameful to the ASD husband, who understands to some degree that she is not pleased and his preferences differ from other men).

It’s helpful for the neurotypical wife to think about sex in the manner their ASD partner experiences it, as we can begin to see that his avoidance of sex is not personal toward her. (This does not minimize the hurt, harm, or impact of deprivation.) Understanding that taste, touch, scents and sounds can be engulfing for him helps her to stop turning the blame inward for a lack of marital intimacy. It is not her fault that body fluid is repellant to him, and nor is it his fault that he can’t handle it. Sexual aids like oil or lube or vibrating toys might bring sensations he doesn’t enjoy. It’s important to note that autists often experience sensory input to a much greater or lesser degree than neurotypicals – what feels like a nice backrub to her might feel like being pummeled to him.

Articulating these sensitivities can be challenging for the autistic husband. He might be very distracted by negative sensory input and have difficulty maintaining an erection. He may also know that reading her sexual responses and cues is a struggle for him, which adds to his anxiety level that is already high due to the overwhelm of sensory input.

As to why sex was perhaps quite satisfying and more flexible in the beginning of the relationship – it seems that the hyper-focus of his girlfriend or wife being a consuming special interest can override the sensory engulfment of sex. As the special interest or “newness” starts to wear off the relationship, he may be much more distracted by the sensory difficulties. Learning this, and in combination with what is often his diminishing interest in her beyond sex as well, can feel very devastating for the NT wife. It feels like a bait and switch, even though the ASD husband was likely unaware of why his sensory difficulties abated early on in their relationship. As I affirm to wives repeatedly, his good intention does not minimize the harmful impact to her.

Occasionally, I will hear that a neurotypical wife is drowning in her husband’s sexual needs. His desire for it is daily, if not multiple times a day. She might be puking from the stomach flu, but he’s still sure to tell her that he really needs sex tonight. She feels overwhelmed by his expectations and inability to read when it’s appropriate or not to be requesting sexual time with her. He tells her that sex feels really good and calms him down. In this case, sex is a sensory pleasure and something he wants to experience repeatedly, often for the calming effect it has on him.

The impact of sensory deluge is very important for the neurotypical wife to conceptualize, and for the ASD husband to begin recognizing within himself. Understanding his struggle helps the neurotypical wife de-personalize the absence of sex. His avoidance of intimacy is about his sensory issues, not a reflection of her. While his difficulties do not make her sexual deprivation acceptable, it at least offers explanation as to why she is being subjected to his avoidance. If the ASD husband is able to recognize his sensory overwhelm, problem-solving can begin happening and sexual intimacy can be potentially restored.

The Life Cycle of a Neurodiverse Relationship

Why does the neurodiverse marriage seem to worsen over time, and what does that do to the neurotypical wife?

A neurotypical wife marries her ASD husband thinking that their life together will be as joyfully connected as their dating period.

One of the biggest sources of confusion for the neurotypical wife is why and how the dating period was so amazing, but everything seemed to change shortly after moving in together. She goes through the various stages of grief, desperately trying to understand what she can do to return the relationship to a satisfying connection.

When an Asperger’s Syndrome husband falls in love, usually his girlfriend quickly becomes his special interest. He is extraordinarily attentive, and his hyper-focus helps him read her cues. The couple might have shared interests that brought them together, so time during dating is spent on that shared interest (like running, or music, or church, golf, etc.) which feels very bonding. The ASD boyfriend might call to mind relationship scripts – perhaps from movies he’s seen, or books he’s read, or discussions with a helpful mother, sister or friend – about what men should do in relationships. He is more apt to think of flowers, or classic romantic gestures. He’s flooded by her reciprocal attention, and as someone who was often bullied, excluded or actively disliked by peers in his childhood – her warmth, love, acceptance and attraction is mesmerizing.

Dating differs from cohabitation in many ways, but the biggest issue for the autistic partner is the increased expectation from the neurotypical for time and conversation. The autistic partner loses his solo space and experiences disruption to his routine and preferences, such as time for his coping and other interests. He might start to feel encroached upon and this causes anxiety and withdrawal.

The neurotypical wife or girlfriend is puzzled as to why her boyfriend or husband seems to avoid her in the same house. Why does he sleep so much? Why would he rather play video games or read astronomy books instead of going out on a date together? She searches for fault within herself and experiences various stages of grief as time goes on.

Eventually, she likely confronts her ASD husband with anger. Why does he ignore her? She needs love, attention, conversation, fun. Why is he so busy and disinterested in her? Why doesn’t he care how she feels or how their relationship used to be? Her emotions cause further anxiety and withdrawal in him, leading to more anger, hurt and resentment for her – and the cycle continues.

Over time, she is no longer the special interest. She is the source of his anxiety. He does all he can to avoid the very conversations and time that she craves from him. He buries himself in his life-long special interests, which are his abiding passion. His need for sleep increases, further isolating her as he tries to cope with the expectations and confusion from her. Instead of the positive feelings he felt for her at the beginning, contempt grows toward her neediness. She once valued how kind and gentle he seemed, but now he seems to have little of those former qualities. She senses that he no longer values or cherishes her the way he once did.

The neurotypical wife may find herself at a crossroads when the marital or cohabitation dynamic has reached an adversarial stand-off. She may embark on a larger effort to understand “why,” especially if autism is undiagnosed or not known to the couple yet. She will often seek out coaching or counseling as a last ditch effort to see if her marriage can be saved.

Why do NT wives minimize their needs?

A neurotypical wife is usually responsible for the emotional labor and practicalities in the neurodiverse family. She is the one who looks at the big picture and makes life happen. She picks up on the nuances – the sensitivities and vulnerabilities of her ASD spouse, her autistic or ADHD children, and all the special considerations that go into diffusing emotional dysregulation to keep everyone on an even keel.

A neurotypical wife is usually juggling nearly every aspect of her neurodiverse family’s needs.

Aside from walking on eggshells in hopes of avoiding her autistic husband having distress that leads to meltdowns or shutdowns, the neurotypical wife is also often the schedule keeper, medicine distributor, grocery shopper, meal-maker, chores & household do-er. She does bedtime and wake time and makes the lunches and is up all night with the baby and consoles the big feelings of her children and spouse. If there is fun to be had, usually she is the one thinking and planning holidays or outings. She’s the one getting children off of screen time to go outside, or visit the park, or do something besides isolate at home. If she wants any semblance of special time with her husband, she’s planning the dates and the anniversaries and getting the babysitter. She might even be buying her own Christmas present so as to avoid the children seeing the lack of anything for her. Often, any sort of normal family life or marital intimacy takes a lot of convincing, justifying, explaining and defending to her neurodiverse family members. While doing everything at home, she is quite likely working a full-time job as well. If she asks for help from her ASD spouse, who simply does not intuit what needs to be done, it may take further time and emotional energy to remind, plead or beg for him to follow through. She may learn that asking for anything from him leads to emotional dysregulation, which starts to feel like more trouble than it’s worth.

Conflict avoidance becomes a default manner of operating for the NT wife. Her life is so full of managing “all the things.” Emotional dysregulation + executive dysfunction are such pervasive parts of autism that taking up any space in the home is an exhausting endeavor. Avoiding meltdowns, shutdowns, vindictive behavior and competing with autistic special interests is an impossible task, but she persists anyway. Asking for help often leads to resentful reactions from her Asperger’s husband, who does not prioritize needs of others in the same way that she is able to intuit. He may find it perfectly reasonable to let chores go undone, and he perhaps may not value the same standard of upkeep that his NT wife prefers. When he agrees to a chore or to help, he may find a timeline to be unnecessarily ‘controlling’ from his wife. This can devolve into an argument and again starts to defeat the purpose of her even asking.

When the neurotypical partner starts to wear out from doing everything, she may seek out therapy and insist her husband go with her. Unfortunately, the dynamic is often misunderstood in traditional marriage counseling. Feeling overwhelmed by the sheer volume of responsibility, the NT wife may unload on the therapist while her Asperger’s husband sits calmly beside her. She finishes listing every aspect of how much she does and how angry she is to not have a partner in helping. He may comment, “see what I have to deal with? She can’t be pleased, she keeps score of what I do or don’t do, she is constantly stressed out and creating work for herself, she criticizes when I don’t do something the second she asks me. All she does is try to control me and argue with me about what is and isn’t fair. She views me as the sole problem, but she’s so mean to me that I would rather do my hobby than have to deal with her.” The therapist may start thinking that perhaps the NT wife is narcissistic or borderline, due to the depth of her emotionalism spilling out, and believe that she is the one who needs the most behavior modification. This leads to the neurotypical wife feeling even more isolated in her chronic deprivation of empathy, while the ASD husband may dig in to his resistant responses to her.

As one might imagine, being told at every turn that she is nothing but a controlling complainer might start to shut down any persistence in voicing her needs. Being routinely ignored, having to constantly explain and justify what needs to be done to keep the family afloat, needing to convince her ASD husband to help while his resentment level has skyrocketed due to the demands on his time – the neurotypical wife learns that the path to least resistance is ceasing to stop asking for anything. Her personhood gets smashed down, because there is only so much time in the day to do it all and try to convince someone that she matters, too. The conflict created with her autistic spouse is worth avoiding more than it is worth fighting for her needs to be met.

Where do we draw the line in a Neurodiverse Marriage?

We know that ASD partners have different neurology. They are more susceptible to overwhelm from daily life in a world of neurotypical expectations. How do we integrate this awareness into our marriages and families, while still holding boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior?

Neurotypical wives do not have to be held hostage to their autistic husband’s meltdowns.

Examples of reasons an ASD husband may feel burdened by daily life, that are not usually shared by neurotypicals universally:

  • dysregulated sleep patterns
  • masking autistic behaviors while at work
  • sensory overload
  • social confusion or isolation
  • co-morbid mental health issues
  • difficulty with changes to routine
  • executive functioning challenges

Knowing these are legitimate challenges, to what standard is it reasonable to hold our Asperger’s Syndrome / Autism Spectrum Disorder husband to when he’s angry or frustrated? Should we accept his behavior when it devolves into explosive rages, meltdowns, or shutdowns? Can he just not help it? He may not be able to prevent it, but there are certainly ways to manage his meltdowns that allow him to have them without harming his family members and their deserved sense of safety.

First, let’s examine the idea of boundaries and rules. Rules are what we set for other people to follow, and boundaries are what we set for ourselves.

Some rules that we set when I work with neurodiverse couples are usually the following, in regard to what the autistic spouse can do to both have his meltdown and take responsibility for managing it:

  1. When either spouse notices that the ASD partner is becoming dysregulated (i.e. overwhelmed by sensory input, emotional misunderstanding, conversational triggers, etc), they offer that observation to one another – if the NT wife is initiating that statement, she does her best to say so in a neutral tone.
  2. The ASD partner is responsible for removing himself to a pre-agreed location. Perhaps a bedroom, a small or private place within the home, or – quite often, even leaving the house. This is viewed as an act of love for his wife and family, because sparing them from from witnessing (or hearing) a rage or meltdown is very important. It prevents damage to his relationship with them, and it prevents stress and fear from developing (especially important as a consideration for the harm this imparts to children).
  3. The ASD partner uses coping skills (discussed in coaching) to help calm himself, or work through the meltdown. He agrees to wait until his heart rate has returned to a measurable normal before rejoining his wife or family members. He maintains awareness that a problem cannot be solved through verbal discussion while feeling flooded by emotion (anger, sadness, rage, fury, frustration, etc).
  4. If the issue is a communication problem, the spouses will resume discussion through a different means than verbal dialogue. The conversation will not resume in any capacity until the spouses are a minimum of one hour past the husband’s heart rate returning to normal.

For the neurotypical wife, of course it is also her responsibility to not react to her ASD partner by mirroring his dysregulation. She must practice her own self control. This prevents any further escalation and also models calm for her children. Since she also cannot force her ASD partner to follow the rules that have been set forth in the marriage, she sets boundaries for herself.

It is worth noting that even if her autistic husband is not working with me in coaching, it is highly reasonable to request that he follow the above protocol. However, we must recognize that she cannot force her ASD husband to be compliant, respectful or considerate.

Because of this, boundaries are necessary and important. Boundaries are different than rules because it is what we enforce for ourselves, vs. being dependent on someone else’s cooperation.

Some boundaries that we might set when I work with a neurotypical wife:

  1. If her autistic husband chooses to not remove himself from her presence when emotionally dysregulated, then she will remove herself from his presence. Along with any children witnessing their father having a meltdown.
  2. If his meltdown lasts for hours or otherwise infringes on her ability to safely be present in the home, or return to the home, then the neurotypical wife will have a plan in place. This plan may include going to the home of a family member or friend, the park or other outing, or even procuring a hotel room or calling the police. The neurotypical wife’s boundary is that emotional and physical safety is 100% her priority. She will not tolerate being unsafe in her home. She will not tolerate her children witnessing a scary event by the other parent. If the police have to be called and even if her husband is removed from the home temporarily, that is a consequence of him choosing to not follow reasonable rules and be a safe person at that time. It is not her fault for holding the boundary. She and her children are entitled to safety. Her husband is NOT entitled to inflict his meltdown upon his family.
  3. If the ASD husband returns to the environment and tries to insist on talking while still in meltdown mode, the NT wife will remind her spouse that they cannot solve a problem when either partner is dysregulated. She will not be baited into any further discussion. She will remove herself as needed.

It’s worth nothing that sometimes the expense involved in acquiring hotel rooms, etc., serve as a motivator for an Autism Spectrum spouse to reconsider his resistance to self-removal during a meltdown or rage. The important thing for the NT wife to remember is that SHE MUST FOLLOW THROUGH WITH HER BOUNDARIES. Otherwise she teaches her spouse that she is merely threatening and not willing to hold him accountable nor keep herself safe.

While NT wives can have understanding for the emotional dysregulation issues caused by ASD neurology, they do not have to be victimized or held hostage by autistic meltdowns. The Asperger’s Syndrome husband can follow the reasonable rules in place to allow himself to experience the needed release of a meltdown, while not infringing upon the emotional or physical safety of others in the home. The NT wife recognizing that she cannot force him to be considerate, cooperative or agreeable is part of her growth in upholding boundaries. She must choose to put herself and the needs of her children ahead of accommodating the ASD husband’s meltdown. This is often VERY painful for her, because it is so unfamiliar. She is so used to simply enduring the meltdown, his possibly throwing things, destroying things, the screaming, the accusations, the looming physical presence.

Sometimes a coaching client will say, “it’s too hard to leave the room! I can’t just corral everyone into my bedroom and lock the door while in the middle of cooking breakfast!” Well yes, you can! It’s a mindset shift. She can practice what is called “coping ahead,” and have a storage bin full of snacks, toys, clothes, diapers – even noise muffling headphones for herself and the kids – if or when escaping her autistic spouse’s meltdown is necessary. She can have a duffle bag packed and kept in the car if she needs to load up kids and leave the house. Changing the NT wife’s mindset of allowing herself to have needs that matter, when she has so long been overlooked and worn down by the overbearing needs of the ASD partner, is where her work toward freedom and personhood lay. Is it inconvenient, infuriating, and a betrayal that he won’t follow the rules? ABSOLUTELY. (And the larger relationship issue is certainly worth evaluating, but this is a strategy for surviving a moment vs. a lifetime.) She chooses to set boundaries and uphold them. She learns to prioritize herself even if he won’t. And if she can’t leave? Then that’s when the police should be utilized. Not for the sole intention of a criminal arrest, but a transport to the hospital. He can meltdown under professional supervision, or law enforcement, instead of subjecting his family to scary behavior.

The accommodation we give the ASD spouse is this: “Okay, these meltdowns are going to happen because it is part of your neurological response to overwhelm. I acknowledge that you cannot prevent or stop or change the fact that they will exist. What I can do is control my exposure to them, and the way you treat me and our children during a meltdown. I am allowed to set boundaries. I will not rescue you from consequences when you are unwilling to contain the meltdown in a safe place.”

What is Cassandra Syndrome?

Denial of the neurotypical wife’s experience in her neurodiverse marriage is traumatic.

Something often misunderstood about the formation of trauma is that it does not just develop from a single event, or a complex set of ongoing events. Trauma occurs when we are left alone with our hurt, and subjected to disbelief from others. There is nothing more isolating and further traumatizing to a survivor than being dismissed, minimized, or invalidated. How does this relate to neurotypical wives married to ASD men? First, we must look at the dynamic of neurodiverse marriage.

Autistic individuals are capable of masking for certain periods of time. (Masking is a way in which ASD people try to adopt neurotypical behaviors in social settings, to cope or fit in better with neurotypical counterparts.) At work, with extended family, outside in the neighborhood, at church, at special interest gatherings – the ASD husband might appear to outsiders as a fully-functioning-like-a-neurotypical person. Reserved, perhaps a little introverted, a tiny bit endearingly quirky. But certainly participatory, awake and present. While this leaves a positive impression socially, masking is an exhausting endeavor for the autistic person. Once at home, the autistic spouse needs recovery time, which might include sleeping, isolating, focusing on special interests, and having little tolerance for the needs or expectations of his family members. This ongoing recovery cycle often creates burnout for both spouses – but for differing reasons. The ASD husband exists in defense mode from navigating social expectations inside of his relationship, and outside of the home. The neurotypical wife strives to give her husband all the down time he needs, but this has her shouldering the household and parenting obligations alone – and desperately missing emotional engagement with her husband.

Before the term “Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome” was coined by Families of Adults Affected by Autism, a few different descriptors were in rotation to describe the chronic emotional deprivation experienced by neurotypical wives married to autistic men. Many might be familiar with the term “Cassandra Syndrome,” which references the Greek Mythology character, Cassandra. When she does not return Apollo’s love interest, he curses her – she is allowed foresight into the future, but she is unable to share it with anyone. Cassandra is left alone with her burden of truth – unheard, and unable to convince anyone of of what she knows to be true. Neurotypical wives are thought of as “Cassandras,” because nobody believes what they say about their experience in a neurodiverse marriage. She is often met with, “but he’s so nice!”

Doubt from others when we share our pain is crushing, especially because it’s so difficult to characterize invisibility within our marriages. Anecdotes rarely work, since it isn’t just the one-off weekend when he slept from Friday night until Sunday evening. (While waking up to pee and correcting your characterization by saying that he is NOT sleeping all weekend, he’s in the bathroom right this second!) How do we explain big picture concepts? That his excessive sleeping habits are really an underlying inability to SEE that we have needs on the weekends, too. It’s the cumulative effect of being unrelentingly deprived of intuitive empathy and having our personhood not just ignored, but literally unseen by our spouse. How does a neurotypical meet her need for emotional intimacy with her husband, if she’s invisible to him?

Denial of someone’s reality is toxic. Being left alone with hurt is harmful. It is traumatic. We all need others to see our perspective. It’s also important to keep the social confusion of the autistic partner in context. While he may not intend to ignore, or under-respond to his wife, intention does not minimize impact. Trauma still happens for a neurotypical wife even if her husband does not intend to be hurtful.

Why do neurotypical wives need support for their neurodiverse marital experience?

Neurotypical wives are expected to stay silent about their marriage struggles, or face a number of intolerant reactions.

“Why do neurotypical wives need support? It’s a neurotypical world! Shouldn’t the focus be on the autistic spouse and how neurotypical expectations are so unfair to him?”

All we have to do is look at social media responses from #actuallyautistic individuals to know that neurotypical wives are highly unwelcome to share their experience of being married to an autistic partner. Neurotypical wives are denigrated as being hateful for voicing that their emotional needs go unmet in their neurodiverse relationship. As a result, very little support is available for neurotypical partners and they are often shamed into silence. Mental health professionals frequently fail to grasp what chronic emotional deprivation is like for a neurotypical spouse, unless they have personally experienced it. Traditional marriage counseling is rarely an effective source of help for neurodiverse couples, unless the therapist is very familiar with the dynamic specific to ASD (formerly Asperger’s Syndrome) + Neurotypical partnerships.

FAAAS (Families of Adults Affected by Asperger’s Syndrome) has termed the phenomenon experienced by children or marital partners of autistic individuals as “ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome.” The truth is that neurotypical spouses have neurotypical needs, which shouldn’t be demonized or minimized, even if the autistic partner has a challenge in meeting them (through no fault of their own). The world that matters in this case is the interior dynamic of a singular marriage, not the construct of society at large. A marriage is intended to be our most emotionally intimate relationship. The marriage is supposed to be the place we are seen, heard, understood, validated and cherished. When neurotypicals are deprived of those fundamental needs – even if it is due to genuine neurological limitations from the other spouse – it is experienced as ongoing trauma.

While the defensiveness of autistic partners is understandable, it’s also very disappointing. Terming the truth shared from neurotypical wives as “hate speech,” “ableism” or otherwise villainizing their experience is only illustrative of our point: there is a distinct lack of reciprocal empathy. The sarcasm and victim posturing of autistics – when confronted with neurotypical feedback of their intimate relationships – is unkind, unproductive and an interesting double standard. Neurotypical wives are to forgo their needs, silence their hurt and pretend to be fulfilled – or risk shame, blame and accusations of discrimination. Yet the autistic partner still expects his neurotypical wife to fully understand his challenges and accommodate his feelings, preferences and limitations (which most neurotypical wives do to an astoundingly empathic degree). Why is it not fair and correct to expect a measure of effort in the same vein from her autistic spouse?

Fortunately, social media is only a microcosm of the full picture. There are many neurodiverse husbands who love their wives and are humble enough to accept feedback. While intuitive empathy is a challenge, cognitive empathy is certainly possible – and as the autistic spouse begins to grow in understanding of his wife’s experience, he is often very motivated to build skills in support of her. Learning to sit with the distress of feeling criticized because of his wife’s unhappiness IS part of the process. His wife sharing her experience is not an attack, nor is it a fact to be disproved. It is merely her experience, and a husband willing to listen and truly hear her is half the battle of improving the dynamic.

Autism advocacy in our society is thankfully growing each and every day. Neurotypicals do not need advocacy for acceptance in the world at large, but they need support in order to thrive within their intimate relationships to ASD spouses. Both partners in a neurodiverse marriage deserve to have their individual needs and considerations equally prioritized.