Our introductory post regarding Pathological Demand Avoidance can be found here. As a behavioral profile of autism, PDA is exceptionally challenging to navigate in a neurodiverse relationship. By its nature, marriage intrinsically necessitates collaboration – which requires reasonable agreeability on the part of both spouses. If a PDA partner chronically pursues autonomy at the expenseContinue reading “Part 2: The Antithetical Nature of “Partnership” with a PDA Spouse”
Tag Archives: Asperger's Syndrome
The Private Hell of Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage
Winter holidays often come with many expectations in our culture. Cozy togetherness, matching pajamas, gatherings with family, parties with co-workers and friends. It’s a season of preparation. We plan, we shop, we bake, we select gifts, we wrap them carefully. We look forward with anticipation to sharing love and connection within our most special relationships.Continue reading “The Private Hell of Holidays in a Neurodiverse Marriage”
Can Abuse be Attributed to an Autistic Spouse?
October was Domestic Violence Awareness month. (And as much as I wanted to post this blog in the appropriate month, I couldn’t quite make it happen.) During October, survivors, advocates and allies come together in hopes of raising awareness, mourning the tragedy of lives lost, and discussing the trauma and experience of intimate partner violence.Continue reading “Can Abuse be Attributed to an Autistic Spouse?”
The Barren Desert of Emotional Reciprocity
Of all the various categories that require reciprocity in marriage, emotional reciprocity is at the heart of intimacy for a neurotypical wife. She is inherently drawn toward connection, and she desires the mutuality of synchrony with her husband. Since warm, loving, intimate relationships are a necessity for her neurology, the presence of chronic impassivity fromContinue reading “The Barren Desert of Emotional Reciprocity”
Alexithymia, Mind-blindness & Sexual Dysfunction in ASD-NT Marriages
Physical intimacy within a neurodiverse marriage is often problematic. While not a universal problem, it is frequently a devastating reality. Various circumstances contribute to sexual dysfunction in an AS-NT marriage. (Sensory issues and porn addiction are frequently contributing factors, discussed in more detail here and here.) Additionally, two often overlooked components of sexual dysfunction areContinue reading “Alexithymia, Mind-blindness & Sexual Dysfunction in ASD-NT Marriages”
The Criminalization of Emotion in Neurodiverse Marriages
Alexithymia is a condition in which one struggles to identify and verbalize emotion. It is closely associated with autism, as approximately half of ASD individuals meet criteria for alexithymia. The absence of emotional awareness from an ASD husband is a significant issue within neurodiverse marriages, as the disparity between himself and his neurotypical wife isContinue reading “The Criminalization of Emotion in Neurodiverse Marriages”
The Missed Experiences of Cassandra’s Life
Trauma events, while painful to discuss, can be articulated to empathic listeners. It’s possible to describe what happened to us with great detail, including the distress we experienced during and after the event. But what happens when we are traumatized by non-events? Just as neglect is difficult to characterize, so too is the absence ofContinue reading “The Missed Experiences of Cassandra’s Life”
The Extended Family System of a Neurodiverse Marriage
Partners in a neurodiverse marriage often have families of origin with various complexities, many of which may impact the marital life in significant ways. For neurotypical wives, the most difficult aspect is the lack of support from extended family members. When families of origin aren’t burdened by pervasive mental health disorders, addictions, generational trauma, neurodiversityContinue reading “The Extended Family System of a Neurodiverse Marriage”
The Authoritarian Father & Stupid Child in a ND marriage
In some neurodiverse marriages, a father-daughter dynamic develops early on in the relationship. The ASD partner appoints himself as the authority figure, devolving over time into micromanaging his wife. It’s important to note that this type of parental interplay is highly different from the mother-son dynamic in ND marriages. What factors contribute to the father-daughterContinue reading “The Authoritarian Father & Stupid Child in a ND marriage”
The Surrogate Mother & Defiant Child in a ND Marriage
Healthy spouses have no desire to parent each other. They want a reciprocal partner, lover, companion, and equal. Ideally, a marriage is complementary. Both partners bring different strengths and gifts to the relationship, contributing equally to the care and maintenance of the marriage – but not the upkeep, nor management, of the other person. HealthyContinue reading “The Surrogate Mother & Defiant Child in a ND Marriage”
The Special Interest of Every Neurotypical Wife
After being discarded as the special interest of her ASD husband, the neurotypical wife is desperate to understand what is happening. She becomes obsessed with decoding her autistic spouse, though ASD may not even be on her radar for months or even years. She tirelessly strives to understand his myriad of unfamiliar behaviors that ultimatelyContinue reading “The Special Interest of Every Neurotypical Wife”
Is it an autistic shut down, or an ASD shut out?
What are the differences between an autistic shutdown, autistic burnout and a common (but less defined, and rarely discussed) dynamic in neurodiverse marriage – the autistic shut out? What is an autistic shutdown? An autistic shutdown in is a short-term reaction to overwhelm. Perhaps the autistic individual has masked for an extended period of time,Continue reading “Is it an autistic shut down, or an ASD shut out?”
The Adversarial Dynamic of a neurodiverse marriage
When the neurodiverse marriage has spiraled into severe disenchantment, the ASD husband begins to view his neurotypical wife in an adversarial manner. The autistic partner is naturally self-focused, and his mind-blindness does not enable him to easily put context toward many of her expectations. He starts to regard his wife as an encumbrance to peaceContinue reading “The Adversarial Dynamic of a neurodiverse marriage”
The secrets that Cassandra keeps
The concept behind the name of Cassandra Syndrome is that a NT wife is sharing her reality with others, and being doubted. But what do her disclosures about the neurodiverse marriage really look like? To what degree is a neurotypical wife able to fully reveal the extent of her marital dynamic to others? A neurotypicalContinue reading “The secrets that Cassandra keeps”
Secrets & Lies with ASD in neurodiverse marriages
One oddly pervasive misconception about autism is that individuals with ASD are unable to lie. It appears that the lack of tactfulness commonly associated with ASD has been frequently confused for an inability to be deceitful. Being “blunt” when his wife asks how she looks in a dress is certainly not the same thing asContinue reading “Secrets & Lies with ASD in neurodiverse marriages”
The Extrapolation Mistake
Most of us notice qualities of character and integrity in those around us, and we feel comfortable in generalizing our observations. It seems reasonable to assume that if certain positive qualities are demonstrated in one setting, that those same positive qualities apply to other settings. For instance, when we observe someone being exceptionally kind toContinue reading “The Extrapolation Mistake”
When do adult ASD meltdowns become manipulative?
Over the course of life, some ASD individuals might come to realize that emotional dysregulation can be used as a means in which to manipulate a desired outcome. While perhaps the majority of autistic meltdowns are sincerely the result of sensory and social-emotional overwhelm, it’s an unfortunate reality that sometimes ASD individuals use their frequentContinue reading “When do adult ASD meltdowns become manipulative?”
The tyranny of ASD rules in a neurodiverse marriage
ASD individuals are often very uncomfortable with change, and have a strong need for predictability. Black and white thinking that is common with autism also lends itself to narrow ideas about the way in which life should happen. In a marriage, rigid inflexibility can begin to feel like a dictatorship for the neurotypical wife whenContinue reading “The tyranny of ASD rules in a neurodiverse marriage”
The role of fear in the neurodiverse relationship
When the neurotypical wife marries her autistic husband after a dating period that was likely spent basking (unknowingly) in the role of his special interest, the attention of those early months or years is deeply imprinted upon her heart and mind. She is built for tenderness, connection and reciprocity. Having received such devotion for anContinue reading “The role of fear in the neurodiverse relationship”
The harm of minimizing neglect in a neurodiverse marriage
In our society, the concept of physical abuse is perceived as more egregious than other forms of abuse, and certainly more heinous than the idea of neglect. If a woman has been physically harmed, it is more universally accepted as intolerable behavior from an intimate partner. Outsiders to the marriage have an easier time imaginingContinue reading “The harm of minimizing neglect in a neurodiverse marriage”
Why does a neurotypical wife choose an ASD husband?
Many neurotypical wives struggle with understanding how they were drawn to choose their ASD partner, when so much of the marriage has been spent longing for emotional engagement. With highly empathic natures – how did they not recognize his difficulty with emotional reciprocity? Masking during the dating phase is very real, and certainly a significantContinue reading “Why does a neurotypical wife choose an ASD husband?”
Why do ASD husbands experience neurotypical feelings as an attack?
The communication difficulties between NT/ASD partners is usually a primary source of conflict, hurt and misunderstanding. The neurotypical wife feels very isolated and hopeless when the ASD husband is unable to receive her feelings and perspective. A neurotypical woman needs her intimate partner to be her softest place to land, the primary spot where sheContinue reading “Why do ASD husbands experience neurotypical feelings as an attack?”
Autism & Grief for the NT wife
The autism community is frequently vocal about how marginalized they feel when neurotypicals share their personal experience of marriage with ASD partners. They often express that neurotypicals have a lack of tolerance for autistic behaviors, that we perpetuate negative stereotypes of autism, that we are ableist and discriminatory and infantalizing (by merely voicing our perspective).Continue reading “Autism & Grief for the NT wife”
The Impact of Porn Use on a Neurodiverse Marriage
Many neurodiverse marriages are sexless. Quite often, the neurotypical wife is deeply grief-stricken at the lack of sexual intimacy in her marriage. She mourns the physical connection she hoped to have with her ASD husband. It’s too embarrassing to confide in any of her friends that her husband won’t have sex with her, so she’sContinue reading “The Impact of Porn Use on a Neurodiverse Marriage”
Sensory Issues & Sex in a Neurodiverse Marriage
Sensory issues can be the root of much heartbreak in the sexual dynamics of a marital relationship between a neurotypical wife and her ASD husband. Neurotypical wives often come to me with a deep sense of shame, despair and sorrow that they have not had sex with their autistic husbands in years. Some will shareContinue reading “Sensory Issues & Sex in a Neurodiverse Marriage”
Why do NT wives minimize their needs?
A neurotypical wife is usually responsible for the emotional labor and practicalities in the neurodiverse family. She is the one who looks at the big picture and makes life happen. She picks up on the nuances – the sensitivities and vulnerabilities of her ASD spouse, her autistic or ADHD children, and all the special considerationsContinue reading “Why do NT wives minimize their needs?”
Where do we draw the line in a Neurodiverse Marriage?
We know that ASD partners have different neurology. They are more susceptible to overwhelm from daily life in a world of neurotypical expectations. How do we integrate this awareness into our marriages and families, while still holding boundaries of what is and is not acceptable behavior? Examples of reasons an ASD husband may feel burdenedContinue reading “Where do we draw the line in a Neurodiverse Marriage?”
Why do neurotypical wives need support for their neurodiverse marital experience?
“Why do neurotypical wives need support? It’s a neurotypical world! Shouldn’t the focus be on the autistic spouse and how neurotypical expectations are so unfair to him?” All we have to do is look at social media responses from #actuallyautistic individuals to know that neurotypical wives are highly unwelcome to share their experience of beingContinue reading “Why do neurotypical wives need support for their neurodiverse marital experience?”