Sensory issues can be the root of much heartbreak in the sexual dynamics of a marital relationship between a neurotypical wife and her ASD husband.
Neurotypical wives often come to me with a deep sense of shame, despair and sorrow that they have not had sex with their autistic husbands in years. Some will share that kissing no longer happens either, and that the affection is limited to hugs or basic pecks on the cheek. She is heartbroken by the rejection, and lost in confusion as to how this happened. Early on in their dating life, sex seemed amazing and connected. How could it have been so great, and now – he avoids it? Or perhaps due to religious beliefs, the couple waited until after marriage to be physically intimate. Despite so much anticipation while dating, their sex life never really went past the awkward stage, and then quickly became very infrequent.
Aside from her shame at feeling undesired by her husband, the neurotypical wife feels very isolated in her experience. Most of her friends talk about their husbands wanting more sex, not less. She certainly does not know anyone who is routinely rejected by her husband, and after exhaustively trying to discuss it, entice him or otherwise change course – the NT wife turns inward, blaming herself. He must not be attracted to her anymore. right? Additionally, perhaps the NT wife has discovered that her ASD husband is an avid porn user while avoiding sex with her. Her heart is broken at the betrayal that he would rather deal with his sexual energy in a way that excludes her, despite the begging and pleading for intimacy with him. It is soul-crushing to realize that he certainly does have a sex drive, it just isn’t one that craves her. (More about this in a follow-up post.)
While many ASD marriages between a neurotypical partner and autistic spouse are sexless, sometimes it is present but infrequent. Many NT women have shared with me that sex can sometimes be mired in rituals and rules. He may require that she she shower and dry her hair before sex, each and every time, immediately prior to their intimacy. Only one sexual position is permitted. His eyes might be tightly shut the entire time. Activities happen in a certain sequence. She must have a towel underneath her at all times. After the act is finished, he hops up and gets in the shower alone. There is no afterglow of cuddling or closeness. Why does her hair have to be dry? Why is he worried about the bed being damp? Why is only one position acceptable?
It may seem arbitrary, but the sensory input of wet hair is too overwhelming, and the same situation with the sheets. Some ASD men have difficulty conceptualizing and feeling their bodies in space, due to sensory integration issues. A sexual position that provides too much pressure, or not enough, during intercourse can impact arousal and ability to orgasm. The result is an inflexible lovemaking routine that is confusing for the NT wife (and sometimes feels shameful to the ASD husband, who understands to some degree that she is not pleased and his preferences differ from other men).
It’s helpful for the neurotypical wife to think about sex in the manner their ASD partner experiences it, as we can begin to see that his avoidance of sex is not personal toward her. (This does not minimize the hurt, harm, or impact of deprivation.) Understanding that taste, touch, scents and sounds can be engulfing for him helps her to stop turning the blame inward for a lack of marital intimacy. It is not her fault that body fluid is repellant to him, and nor is it his fault that he can’t handle it. Sexual aids like oil or lube or vibrating toys might bring sensations he doesn’t enjoy. It’s important to note that autists often experience sensory input to a much greater or lesser degree than neurotypicals – what feels like a nice backrub to her might feel like being pummeled to him.
Articulating these sensitivities can be challenging for the autistic husband. He might be very distracted by negative sensory input and have difficulty maintaining an erection. He may also know that reading her sexual responses and cues is a struggle for him, which adds to his anxiety level that is already high due to the overwhelm of sensory input.
As to why sex was perhaps quite satisfying and more flexible in the beginning of the relationship – it seems that the hyper-focus of his girlfriend or wife being a consuming special interest can override the sensory engulfment of sex. As the special interest or “newness” starts to wear off the relationship, he may be much more distracted by the sensory difficulties. Learning this, and in combination with what is often his diminishing interest in her beyond sex as well, can feel very devastating for the NT wife. It feels like a bait and switch, even though the ASD husband was likely unaware of why his sensory difficulties abated early on in their relationship. As I affirm to wives repeatedly, his good intention does not minimize the harmful impact to her.
Occasionally, I will hear that a neurotypical wife is drowning in her husband’s sexual needs. His desire for it is daily, if not multiple times a day. She might be puking from the stomach flu, but he’s still sure to tell her that he really needs sex tonight. She feels overwhelmed by his expectations and inability to read when it’s appropriate or not to be requesting sexual time with her. He tells her that sex feels really good and calms him down. In this case, sex is a sensory pleasure and something he wants to experience repeatedly, often for the calming effect it has on him.
The impact of sensory deluge is very important for the neurotypical wife to conceptualize, and for the ASD husband to begin recognizing within himself. Understanding his struggle helps the neurotypical wife de-personalize the absence of sex. His avoidance of intimacy is about his sensory issues, not a reflection of her. While his difficulties do not make her sexual deprivation acceptable, it at least offers explanation as to why she is being subjected to his avoidance. If the ASD husband is able to recognize his sensory overwhelm, problem-solving can begin happening and sexual intimacy can be potentially restored.
So descriptive and resonating with my experience in a 14 yr nt/nd marriage, this blog needs to be shared with marriage therapists, court professionals!! How can we do that??
Thank you.
This is my situation, 100%. My heart is so broken.
My guy for 25 years now is completely lacking in any sexual needs or wants. He can’t get erections now. He won’t talk about it anymore or read my endless letter’s of suffering. I’m going on 60 and he’s going on 52. What can I do?
Honestly, divorce is the best answer for this kind of marriage. Thank you for all the information on asd marriages. I’ve bookmarked all of the subjects to refer to later. I just realized my father was on the spectrum by reading these stories.
My bf and I are both nd and we have a very vigorous sex life but our sex drive fluctuates. I have sensory issues and hate to be slobbery or have immediate sex after showers. We get around it, anyone struggling with libido should just contact their physician or accept their sex drive differs from their partners
Married 45 years. Now 65 year old woman. I feel like a victim. I am a victim of his grooming since my teens. Today I just realized he could be autistic and probably is. It’s too much for me! Please help me.
I don’t know how I felt about this as an autistic person. “As I affirm to wives repeatedly, his good intention does not minimize the harmful impact to her.” Sure, she may feel hurt, but what if the gender roles were reversed? People would think of a man desperate for sex as, well, desperate and cringey. If she wants sex and he doesn’t, he doesn’t owe her anything. Nobody deserves to feel pressured into sex, and I’m not accusing anyone of being creepy, I think one person’s wish to not have sex is more important than another person’s horniness.
Why is one more important than the other? Sex is a rightfully expected part of marriage. If a person cannot live up to that, and the other party has not agree to a sexless marriage, they shouldn’t get married.
With communication being one of the things some of us nd couples find really difficult, it’s best to try and find ways to address difference. Libido early on. I disclosed to my so when we met (both nd) that I can fluctuate from sex repulsed and hypersexual easily and in seconds or weeks and to let me know if I’m overbearing Abt it. Without communication it’ll be a difficult relationship
As an autistic woman who has mostly dated autistic men, I agree with this article. The sentence you’re quoting is saying, essentially, that her feelings matter, too. Her desire for sex is as valid as her partner’s sensory experience. Her feelings should matter as much as his. Nowhere in this article does it say “pressure your partner into sex.” It says that your partner’s feelings matter, and if you can get to a place of mutual understanding around that, you can problem solve within the relationship. If it doesn’t matter that your partner is being effected by your disinterest, and you still don’t want sex regardless, period. Then, be honest about it. You can figure out how to separate or open up the relationship so you can both have your needs met.
I’m wondering why Erectile Disfunction seems to be a huge issue with ASD men? Also sex is difficult in my relationship with my ASD man as he can get an erection but shortly after insertion, he will loose it or can’t maintain it. I try not to take it personally but I can’t help it. Of course there isnt much convo at all about this problem and now I do everything to avoid sex because I HATE when it happens and blame myself. Like why would a man repeatedly lose his erection after insertion, he must be repulsed in some way by the woman?
So, once again, the NT wife is just supposed to suffer because he has a disability? Just one more thing the wife has to carry? I’m not talking about finding a compromise that works with both giving; it’s been 10 years since we’ve had sex. It’s not enough. A woman can understand WHY he has difficulty, but that doesn’t excuse the ASD man. He needs to attend to her needs, even when it’s not good for him.
Reading this makes me feel like there is no hope for my ASD partner and I. We’ve been together 3 years and he no longer wants to have sex with me. He does have desire to have sex with others so he’s not asexual.
Is it wrong to blame your HFA spouse for having sensory issues and he can’t meet the wife’s needs in the bedroom? How does the wife not feel invisible and lonely when she catches him with boxes of porn magazines and videos of naked women who are 50 years younger and prettier? What about going out in public and he whistles, stares and has a strong sexual desire for pretty girls but not for you? Should she give up her own needs for him?
It sad how some people lack empathy for people who are broken hearted in their marriage because they married someone who is on the spectrum. It’s not their fault especially when the asd spouse won’t even address the problem because they lack empathy for their spouse. What a horrible world we live in when we can’t feel compassion for people who are suffering.
What do you do when the ASD husband is aware of the problem, won’t address it, yet won’t agree to a divorce/open marriage? Do you start having affairs or quietly move forward with divorce preparations?